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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Trouble with honesty

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Author Topic: Trouble with honesty
Tobias
Neophyte
Member # 51672

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Hi.

I have for a long time had trouble being honest to friends and family, something that has caused harm to most of my relationships. I have had a partner for many years that has now left me because of this, and I completly understand this and dont blame hir for this in any way. I have also met a new friend whom I've grown very close to over the last month, and this relationship has also been damaged because of my problem with being honest.

There is a lot of different things that I have straight up lied about, there has basicly been no limit. I have lied about everything from my health, my relationship with other people, what I had for dinner last night, my alcoholhabits and about getting tested for chlamydia when I have been at risk of being. Some of these things has even put my loves health at risk, which I am extremly regretful for.

I am extremly regretful about having lied about so many things to people I truly love, but I have had a hard time to change. Now the person that I love has left me, after that person has given me so many chances to change but I hav'ent done so, and a friend that I love to be with does'nt know wether to be with me or to just give up and move on.

At the moment my mind is not set on continuing with any of these people, since I understand that this might not be possible, but I want to make these peoples continued life to be as good as possible. What can I do for these persons now? I have tried talking about what I have lied about and why, but most of the damage is already done and after many years of lying it is pretty hard to remember what and why so most of the lies go unexplained.

Does anyone have any hints on how to train up your honesty, cause I really want to get out of this behaviour so I am able to have people close to me without hurting them eventualy.

Thanks in advance

//Tobias

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Pumpkin_Pie
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Hi Tobias,

It's really brave of you to open up about this problem and recognising it as just that - an issue for you to face. I've been friends with a lot of people who have issues with honesty like yourself and I only wish they had admitted to it as I was always willing to offer them any help they needed - you've taken a courageous first step. Well done!

Can I ask, why do you feel yourself that you lie? Have you talked to anyone close to you about your lying and your reasons for doing so?

Do you remember when it first started happening?

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Tobias
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Thanks, Rebecca, but I feel that this courageous step should have been taken years ago. I have been told that this is a problem, but I never really understood the seriousity of it all up until now, now that damage has been to severe to repair.

I believe that the reason that I started to lie was that I could tailor myself into being who I wanted, to be better than I felt myself to be. The main problem basicly being a sense of low self-esteem. I noticed that when I lied, I could alter who I was and what I had done in my life but I also noticed that it hurt people when I did lie. When I noticed people close to me got hurt, I tried to repair this with more lies and more lies. I never really faced my problem, just thought that more lies could fix it all.

I dont really have any idea of when this bevaviour started to form, but I know that my low self-esteem has been present for at least 10 years now.

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Pumpkin_Pie
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Thanks for responding Tobias.

Have you ever talked to a counsellor/therapist about the issue? Hvae you ever seen a counsellor or therapist for any reason?

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Tobias
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Member # 51672

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I have never seen any therapist in any form, which is something that I have been talked into doing now. My ex-partner has told me that I need to seek help for my problems, but I could never really get going with it. I always tell myself that I do not have problems, this is something that I can work out myself but in the end this never works and I get back to the place where I started.

I have tried talking about my problems with my mother and a very good friend, but at the moment I still cant gather up the strength to acctualy see someone about my problems. It's something that I really want to do, and I feel I need to do something about it soon, but I still need to take this first leap. Scarleteen has been the first time talking to someone completly unrelated, and I hope that this first step will take me further.

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Pumpkin_Pie
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While it'd be great to hear from other people who've struggled with this - I do think that seeing a therapist and talking to them about this would be a really great thing for you to do. You have to make sure you're honest with that person when you're seeing them.

Do you still find yourself telling lies in your everyday life, even now?

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Tobias
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Member # 51672

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I think I will have better luck being honest with a threapist, because they hopefully will not judge me for who I am.

I try and try not to lie and I am doing pretty good right now, but I know that I will fall back into my old behaviour as soon as I feel better mentally. I know now that this behaviour is not treatable by myself, I need to get help.

Right now, my major problem is that I do not know what to do about my ex-partner. I was supposed to go with my partners family on a vacation over christmas and newyear this year, but because of what happened I did not go with them. My partner gets home this saturday and I do not know what I can do right now to make my partner feel better. I think that my problems will take time to treat, but what can I do to make up for my behaviour right now? I dont feel right in making my ex-partner wait for a longer time than ze already has.

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Pumpkin_Pie
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It may be that the best way you can help your partner feel better is by giving hir space and time to themselves to deal with what happened.

Crowding them and not giving them time to process may not achieve anything. Sometimes when that happens it can be more about making the offender feel better about their guilt than helping with the other person, do you know what I mean?

I think for both your sake seeing a therapist and going down the road of getting better might be the best option in this case.

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Tobias
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Thanks for the help, Rebecca. To me that is the hardest thing to do, to just let hir go but you are not the first one to tell me that this might be the best option right now. I guess that the hardest thing to do is usually what is right.

Thanks for all your help and support!

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Pumpkin_Pie
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That's no problem Tobias, and come back here anytime you need to talk anything out. [Smile]
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