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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Ideal guy

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Author Topic: Ideal guy
Member # 50544

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I'm a 21-year-old straight(ish) female.  With my past dating experiences, it usually goes like this:

I meet someone who I get along really well with, and if he makes a move, I'll go with it, even if I'm not 100% attracted to him right away.  After we start dating, I usually grow more attracted to him and more invested in the relationship.  (If I don't, I break it off.) I've had several good, healthy relationships happen this way.

And then came this one guy, "Paul."  Paul was exactly my type in both looks and personality.  We only dated casually for a few months, and even though I played it mostly cool, I fell hard for him.  It happened a year ago, and I still think about him.  

It's not exactly that I'm not over him, it's just that I really miss those few months where I was dating someone I was so compatible with.  At the same time, it was scary because dating Paul meant I had more of a chance of getting hurt.  With the other guys I date, I feel like I have less to lose.

But ever since Paul, everyone I date just doesn't compare.  I know it's not fair to compare them to him, but at the same time, I now feel like I'm settling for guys that I shouldn't be.  Either I'm not completely attracted to them or they have personality flaws I feel like I can't ignore.

I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, but I'm open to it if the right guy comes along.  And none of the guys I'm (casually) dating fit that bill.  So I have a few questions.

So should I keep dating these guys, even though I know I don't see anything happening long-term? (They're aware that we're dating casually/not exclusively.)  I enjoy the time we spend together, even though part of me misses the effortless chemistry I shared with Paul.  Or should I hold out for someone who's closer to my ideal guy? Is it even fair to hold out for someone that ideal- was Paul just a fluke?

Posts: 3 | From: East | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48970

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I'd say that it really depends on what you want in a relationship. Do you want casual relationships or do you want a long-term relationship? Neither option is necessarily the one way to go.

In my experience, there are a lot of relationships which can be good, but not a perfect fit. After being in one of those, I got the idea that there is no one best relationship, and that there are a ton of possibilities. But now, I think that every once in a while, there is a more or less pretty perfect match. This doesn't mean that there can be no problems between the couple, just that personality, chemistry, etc. just all happen to mesh. And this is rare enough that it gets a lot of special names like soulmate and the "one". So I don't think Paul was some fluke. And if you wanted, you could probably find another guy who also meshes well.

This is not to say that you couldn't have a great long-term relationship with someone not like that. And also, you don't need to date with long-term relationships in mind. Long-term relationships or marriage are not some goal that everyone has to pursue or even necessarily the purpose of dating. How you go about it depends on what you want in regards to dating and relationships and how you view them.

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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