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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » It's not fair.

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Author Topic: It's not fair.
averagejen
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Today my boyfriend of one month and I broke up. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Wrong.

We've met at a hookah lounge where we hang out a lot. He approached me first, we started talking and we came to like each other. I was intrigued because he was outgoing, older (6 years older to be exact, I'm 19 and he's 25) and funny. It wasn't long before we started dating exclusively.

The past few weeks have been really hard for me. I noticed he would pick fights over every little thing and blame everything on me. For example, it was his birthday this past Tuesday and I couldn't do anything with him on his actual birthday because I had classes until 5 PM and I went straight into work by 11 PM to 8 AM (I work graveyard). I knew I would be tired and wouldn't be able to spend quality time with him on Tuesday, but I had already made reservations to a top-notch restaurant in Beverly Hills for that Saturday to treat him out. He implied that he wanted to go to Disneyland for Tuesday but I knew I couldn't because I didn't have time, it was raining and he later told me he didn't like Disneyland. We started fighting because he claimed that "I didn't care" and I only wanted to take him out to eat on Saturday so I would have an excuse to "wear my fancy dress." This itself was preposterous and I couldn't believe he'd think that. He also accused me of being incredibly selfish and that I didn't get to choose when his birthday was, because it was on Tuesday and that was that. I understand that, but I just thought it'd be a better experience overall on Saturday because I wouldn't be tired and we wouldn't be pressed for time. Things went downhill from there and we eventually broke up today.

That's just the tip of the ice burg and he's been constantly accusing me of "not caring," being selfish and not being able to do anything right. He always said these things even though he hardly did anything nice for me (for example, I always drive him everywhere from his job to his house to my apartment to our mutual hangout spot; he has never driven me). Whenever I tell him all the nice things I do for him to show that I do care, he just shuts down and says things like "I don't want to get into it," etc. I don't understand how a 25-year-old man could be so immature. Either way, I'm still heartbroken over the end of our relationship and I don't know what to do. From past experiences I know that it does get better with time but since this just happened today, it hurts a lot. I can't help but feel guilty and even though deep down I know I tried my best, I can't help but keep thinking about all the things he told me. My self-esteem is at an all-time-low and I've been so stressed out from fighting that I've gotten sick and have gotten a gastric ulcer. I already suffer from clinical depression so I know how fast things can go downhill for me. I don't know what's wrong with me, I keep thinking of all the plans we made and when things started to go wrong. Any advice is appreciated.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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Listen, I'm gonna tell you right now, it doesn't sound like you were the one at fault here. This guy clearly has some of his own issues to deal with (neediness, manipulation, picking fights) that were hurting the relationship. You did indeed try your best, and it doesn't sound like any of your actions reflected his words.

Also? It's ok to be busy with work and school. And when you go into a relationship sometimes it's hard to maintain it when you're so busy, but if you start off right away by explaining your situation and your schedule, then really a person can't argue with you when you're busy or tired like it's all your fault. It doesn't mean you didn't care or you weren't trying, it means HE wasn't trying or caring enough to try.

Over all this relationship (and this guy) doesn't seem to be a good fit. And really, after one month of dating you two were already having all of these issues? If it hadn't been thing then I'd say it would have been something else down the line.

As far as feeling like crap and all of your plans, I think the best way to deal with a break up is to make plans for YOURSELF. Maybe with friends or family, people that will be there for you and cheer you up. Go out on your own time and have your own fun. Also, being with people that love you and appreciate you for who you are, that will be the best self esteem booster in this situation.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

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OWL Dan
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Averagejen,
It sounds like you were handling things quite well, especially given your busy schedule, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your ‘self’ for a relationship. I agree that it sounds like he has many problems and needed you to conform to his needs without any consideration for you. You were right to end the unhealthy relationship and it was great that you were able to see it early too. Unfortunately it doesn’t make not hurt, but keep reminding yourself that you did what needed to do for you. Take Natalie’s advice about going out, doing things for yourself, and being around the people you enjoy and care about you too.

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Dan

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averagejen
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Thanks for the advice. I know what you're saying is all true, but I can't help but still feel depressed. I know he was manipulative and overall just not a good fit (he even told me himself that he's extremely manipulative and "loves drama). But I'm still hurt over the fact that I wasn't good enough even for an immature, lacking person as him. I know I tried my best but it doesn't help that he's acting like life goes on and that nothing really happened while I'm the one who's depressed and heartbroken. I know he feels totally justified in his actions and that he was in the right, and that kills me because no matter what I did I couldn't make him see that what he was doing was hurting me. He thinks that I got what I deserved because in his eyes, I was the problem in the relationship. Overall I feel ashamed and embarrassed because I tried so hard to make the relationship work and to make him happy when he wouldn't even lift a finger to return the favor.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Hey, Jen: I think there may be an important clue for you in all of this in something you just said:

quote:
I'm still hurt over the fact that I wasn't good enough even for an immature, lacking person as him.
What that suggests to me is that you were looking for a relationship to prove your worth, to make you "good enough," with the idea you weren't already. While no kind of abuse is ever the person who has been abused's fault, that kind of headpsace can actually make us very vulnerable to unhealthy people/relationships.

This isn't and wasn't about you being good enough or not good enough. You're good enough for someone to love and care for already, and remain good enough even if and when someone you want to care about you or feel a given way about you doesn't. Another person doesn't have the power to make you good enough or not good enough.

Getting THIS invested in just a month also sends off some warning bells for me. A month into seeing someone, we're really still just starting to feel out if they're a good fit for us or not, what kind of relationship might be best with that person and us, the works. Caring this much about the opinions of someone you barely knew is worth thinking about: why do you think you put this much stock in a relative stranger? Know what I mean?

Maybe these kinds of questions and issues are still big right now while you're still feeling the sting of a breakup, so if you just need more time to be pissed or sad, to grieve, mope or vent, take that time. But I think you might be well-served by looking at things like this, too, and maybe also taking some time to figure out if this stage of your life -- particularly with clinical depression, and what also sound like some self-esteem issues -- is really a sound one for getting involved romantically with folks.

Hang in there!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
averagejen
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Thanks for your advice, Heather. I've definitely noticed I tend to rush into things and put way too much on the line when it comes to relationships. I have no idea why I do that since I always just end up getting hurt. If you could tell me some factors that cause people to act this way (put so much stock in a relationship this fast), it'd be really helpful. Of course everybody's different, but I'm trying to figure this out.

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:)

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Heather
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Well, one thing I pointed out was low self-esteem. If and when people are looking to try and get or raise esteem via sex or romance, we'll tend to see stuff like this going on: rushing in, getting very attached very quickly, and getting involved with folks who are unhealthy or dysfunctional and not seeing red flags that were probably there to show that person wasn't so great to get involved with at all.

Your depression, again, might also have a lot to do with this. Are you seeing a therapist for that? If so, have you been able to talk about dating and relationships at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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averagejen
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Yea I've been seeing therapists ever since I was in high school (I'm on my third therapist right now) but it's not really helping. When I go in for therapy I tend to sit and not talk at all because at times I don't know what to say. I know I've had low self-esteem for what seems like my entire life and I don't really see how I can change that.

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:)

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Heather
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Talk therapy really only works if...well, you talk. If you don't participate, and make up most of the conversation, then you're not likely to get anything of value out of that kind of therapy.

Have you felt like the therapists you've had have been a good fit for you? If not, how about looking for one that is? Of so, how about taking a step and opening up, maybe just starting with your self-esteem or with even this recent relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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