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Author Topic: Not sure what to do..
Sara
Neophyte
Member # 49208

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a 2 years. We met at school, talked for about a month and then were together. I really liked him, but I didn't feel as much "chemistry" with im as I had with previous boyfriends. There were times I wished he'd just break up with me.

I still get these feelings sometimes. I love him, I really do. I love being around him. I trust him more than anybody. I just don't know if I want to be with him.

We've never really had a fight. There's been times I've gotten mad at him, but we've worked through it. Anytime something bothers me we talk about it. He would do almost anything for me. He treats me very well. He's not like other guys I've known.

He moved to my city after graduating school so we could be together. I know he truely loves me. And has talked about marriage. I guess that scares me a little. I don't know if that's what I want.

How do you know somebody is the right one for you? I've always imagined when you get married it's like a fairytale. I know it's not. I'm so confused on this.

There are things that bother me about him and the future. Since he's been talking about marriage, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I look at his habits now and imagine what they might be like if we got married.

He spends way too much money on a hobby. It's rediculous what he'll spend. I understand where he's coming from because I used to have the same hobby. But he needs to not spend 200+ on one thing when he's basically living pay check to pay check right now.

His sleeping habits are awful.. stays up til 5am then sleeps all day until work. Nothing wrong with sleeping in occassionally, but I see this as laziness.

Video games have at times taken over. He will seem more interested in them than in me. I know not everything is about me, but don't put them before me all the time.

He's really laid back and not much bothers him. After the first 7 months he hasn't seemed to put effort into the relationship. We've talked about it. He works on it for a bit then goes back to no effort.

He puts little effort into gifts. Not just for me, but his family too. I feel its important to find the right gift for people, especially family. It makes me think he doesn't really care. I love giving gifts, especially home made ones. For our 2 years I made him a scrapbook. Took me forever. He didn't have money to get me anything so said he would when he got paid. Over a month later and still nothing except one of his hoodies. He's not even mentioned it. I'm not a materialistic person, but it would have been nice of him to show some effort. Since then he's bought soo much for his hobby. He doesn't plan money at all.. he's got rent, bills, gas, food, etc. I feel like it wasn't that important to him. Haven't talked to him about this because I don't want him to feel bad.

He can't do anything without his parents approval. He's 23. I think he's capable of doing things on his own. He couldnt take a job without his mom okaying it. She had to okay his apartment. It's crazy how much he can't do. He also depends on his parents way too much.

His family is so much different than mine. They have money; mine doesn't. They're fancier.. so hard to talk to.. don't try to include me too much. They're 7 hours away so I don't get much time around them. I feel like if we get married someday his mother will try to control the wedding, the marriage, and kids if we have them.

I want somebody who will put me first over video games, introduces me to friends, lets me hang out with his friends, who is close to his family, his family is near so i can know them, to be able to do things with his family and feel comfortable around them, somebody who isnt afraid to get dirty, somebody whos not afraid of my pets. Of course, he can't drink, smoke, or use drugs (current boyfriend doesnt). I know what kind of guy I want. But I don't know if I'll find him.

I don't know why I haven't broken up with him myself. I feel sick when I think about him breaking up with me. I don't know if I'm staying with him because I want somebody and afraid to be alone. Or if I truely want to be with him. I don't know what to do. I've really got nobody to talk to about this. Soo confused on everything!

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I feel like you may have missed some cues when from the start -- it sounds like -- you were wishing he'd break up with you. I'm not sure why the idea that you could walk away from this yourself wasn't something you thought about (and we can talk about that if you like), but regardless, I hear you voicing a long, ongoing desire not to be in this relationship, as well as a lot of things you feel aren't or won't be what you want in this. I'm also seeing you voice some things as problematic or negative which might otherwise be no big deal if you did have stronger feelings for this person or like this overall relationship more, like his sleeping patterns.

I don't know of any one way to know someone is right for you other than to look for alignment in your feelings in your heart and your head, feeling in which you feel a strong desire to be with someone in a certain kind of relationship. As well, often it has to do with having some sense of what you want in this kind of relationship and partner, period, and knowing how well or not-well a relationship and a person you're in it with are in alignment with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68251 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lucidkitty
Activist
Member # 49104

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I really feel that if you have these many reservations about him, then your mind is telling you something. Sure you might love him, but are you IN love with him? Believe it or not there is a difference...and often i find that simple thing leads to a lot of problems in marriages later on. I suggest you take a break from him....and see if that helps him mature a bit.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sara
Neophyte
Member # 49208

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I've thought about this a lot the last couple days. I think a lot of it has to do with my feelings for myself. I don't feel worthy of anyone. I've always heard you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I'm finding that to be true. I've started realizing I have control issues. I don't express them towards him, but I know they're there. I get that from my mother... only she expresses them.

I have not ended the relationship because I don't know if it's what I want. After I don't know if I'll regret it, miss him, want him back, etc. When I think of seeing other guys, I can't picture myself with anyone but him.

I have so many unrealistic views of people that it's confusing me. I know nobody is perfect. But in my unrealistic world, people are. I have a perfect guy pictured. I think that's where a lot of problems are coming from. I need to learn to accept people.

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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