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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Broken heart..What Happened??

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Author Topic: Broken heart..What Happened??
Raider.Gal
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I was dating this really amazing guy and for some unknown reason he broke up with me. I'm completely blindsided and I can't sleep. I have no clue what to do. I would really like to be friends but I'm not sure how he feels. I just want to know how a guy who seems to love me so much would randomly break up with me. He says it's not my fault but i keep thinking "maybe if I did this instead of that"/
How do I get over a lost love??

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Heather
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I'm sorry about your breakup, Raider.Gal. [Frown]

It's a bit tough to know how to help here without having a little more idea of the history of all of this. For instance, I'd give different advice, usually, for someone in a relationship for years than to someone who was dating for a few weeks. I'd probably not say the same thing to someone who a BF/GF broke up with that made clear why, or who voiced problems to throughout, than to someone who was just left with no answers at all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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we dated for a little over 5 months but we were best friends for over a year. When he broke up with me, he kept making contradictory statements and gave no real reason why. I'm still so confused. the day before he even texted me that he loved me. I just don't understand
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Heather
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Are you two still friends, or did the friendship come to a screeching halt, too?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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he said that it was up to me and i told him that i would still like to be friends because he was one of my only close friends
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Heather
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Okay. So, if this person really is your friend, you should be able to have a sit-down and get some resolution here.

Might you try asking him for that time, and then letting him know that you're just feeling very confused, and accept the breakup, but to start moving on, you need to have some idea of what happened?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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i could try that but i just have this bad feeling that there really isnt a reason and that even if there was one he wouldn't want to tell me. I feel like the blame is all on my shoulders
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Heather
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I think it's safe to say none of us make choices in relationships without a reason. By all means, he may not know the reason, and may just know his feelings changed, but even just saying his feelings changed IS a reason in and of itself, you know?

I'm not sure what you mean by "blame" in this context. Relationships often change and shift, and it's not at all unusual for romantic relationships to just not work out or to end. That happening sometimes is about someone doing something specific the other person doesn't like or isn't comfortable with, but sometimes it happens because wants and needs don't seem to be or feel the same, or because someone just isn't feeling a thing.

But it does very much sound like this person was not communicating well with you. It happens all too often that with breakups, rather than a person who is having issues voicing them throughout, people keep those feelings to themselves, only really voicing them in action with a breakup. That's unfortunate, but at the same time, a lot of people aren't very good at this kind of communication, especially when they're young and haven't really worked on those skills over time.

Again, if this person is a best friend, you two should be able to talk about this. But if you feel like your friendship has also broken down so much he wouldn't talk to you about what happened -- something I'd suggest you ask for before you assume -- then getting resolution and moving on is something you'll have to do on your own. Happy to help you out with that, but how about we go to that only after you're sure he won't fill you in?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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I just got off the phone with him and he said that he didn't want to hurt me and that he had been feeling that way for a couple of weeks and didn't know what to do. He's acting like it didn't even phase him that i'm to the point of where it feels like im in an emotional breakdown. he said that he wanted to be friends but needs some time. he's one of those people that i dont want to have drop out of my life completely. He even said that it was to the point where he hated the thought of hanging out with me.
I guess the blame in this situation is the "if i would have done this differently, maybe we'd still be together"

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Heather
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Okay, but what I'm hearing is that HE was the one who didn't communicate with you about how he was feeling so that there would have been anything for you to do. In other words, the only thing so far I'm seeing, knowing what we know, that could have been done differently and might have helped is if he would have talked to you about how he was feeling as he was feeling it, rather than kept those feelings to himself.

Just FYI, it probably did phase him. One thing to know when people do breakups like he did this is that he has likely done all of his own processing with this by himself in the time period he knew he was going to break up, so that by the time he did, he was likely if not totally over it, pretty close. He had the time to do all of that while he wasn't communicating with you. Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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I understand. I guess I just need to go on but i don't know how to pick up the pieces. it's to the point where everything reminds me of him and i've been in a constant state of tears I don't know what to do anymore. I used to be really strong about handling situations like this but at this point I don't know if it will ever get any better
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Heather
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Breakups are hard as it is, but when a) the other person doesn't let you see them coming at all, and b) that person is also a good friend, they're particularly hard.

It probably will get better. I don't think I have ever met anyone who just could not get over a relationship ending in the earlier part of their life, even when it's really tough or particularly awful. I remember feeling that way when my first big love died very suddenly and violently, and while it did take me a while to get over it, I did. Not trying to say, "I did with THAT, so you can with THIS," since comparing emotional pain just isn't something we can do, the point just is you likely will in time, most of us, do.

But if this is fresh, be realistic about your expectations of yourself. Give yourself some time to grieve and feel what you're feeling: part of what we need to do to move forward with something that upsets us is to allow ourselves to feel upset, not try and push those feelings away, however unpleasant and painful they are. Do you have people around you, other friends or family, who you can cry with, talk about your feelings with; who will just sit with you and let you be sad for now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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I do have some friends but I don't want to be a burden on them. Since I'm in college, my family isn't around and my relationship with them isn't great to start with. It's very rare that I can let my feeling out to people but when this blind sided me I just broke down right in front of him. I tried not to I really did. I just feel so alone right now
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Heather
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I don't know about you, but when my friends are in pain, supporting them never feels like a burden to me. rather, it feels like one of the most important ways in which I can be a friend. Chances are, your friends will feel the same way.

I know it's tough to be vulnerable around other people sometimes, but I don't think you have to feel so alone, especially since the loss of one person in our life is not the loss of everyone nor the loss of our whole life. So, how about talking a step outside your comfort zone and just asking ONE friend for their ear and their shoulder, filling just ONE friend in for now so that you can have that support and not feel so alone?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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I did that a little when it happened last night but it was kinda awkward because the only person i could really open up to was his roommate. I guess that I've been part of the support system for so long that I'm not used to the fact that now I'm in need of one. I just want to be able to hang out with the guy who blind sided (it doesn't feel right calling him an ex yet) and to be able to talk to him like I used to be able to, especially after the fact that he told me that he was so sure that we were going to be a long term thing.
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Heather
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So, it sounds like one part of how you're feeling may have been about making this one person too much of your life, without being sure you had your own friends and your own life outside this relationship.

Obviously, that's going to suck pretty hard right now, but it's an important thing to learn and correct, because that's not healthy inside or outside a relationship. So, how about reaching out to a friend YOU have that isn't one of HIS friends?

I get that you mostly want to talk to this guy, but since this is about him, and you two just split, he's not really the right person for you to talk to here and now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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It's hard to find a friend that we don't have in common. There really isn't anybody up at college that really open with. I've tried to tell my across the hall neighbor, whom I'm decently good friends with, but the words refused to form. I went totally speechless.Is there any way to stop the hurt long enough to tell someone? This is really the first time that I've ever been this hurt over someone
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Heather
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Does your college have any kind of counselor or more formal support services? Something like that may be the best way to start, since that kind of training involves skills to help people talk when they find it difficult.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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they don't have the best counselling service. i've tried going but not only is it expensive but the people there are very rude.
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Heather
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I'm sorry to hear that. What about student-based/led support services?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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We really don't have anything like that. It's the kind of school where if it's your problem then it stays your problem. I would just like to be able to have someone to talk to about what happened. I think it might help mend my broken heart a little faster
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Heather
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Gah! No good, that.

So, we seem to be at a bit of an impasse, but not without options. You can a) call up a friend you had perhaps before college b) make some new friends (which is understandably tougher at a time in your life when you can't stop crying, c) ask around some more to see about support services you might not know about and/or d) talk some more with us here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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All of my friends before college have moved on and there really isn't too good of an opportunity to make new ones here because there are a bunch of super immature people on my floor of the dorm i live in. Would it be ok if i kept talking on here? It has honestly helped and I was able to leave my bed and attend class and go to work.
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Heather
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It's so much more than okay for you to keep talking here. That's what we're here for!

Just let me know if you want any cues from me, or if you just want to basically vent as you go. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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what would be the best idea for the grieving process that you can think of?
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