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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dumped.

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Author Topic: Dumped.
Love to love
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Well for any of those who have read my posts about my boyfriend, he finally broke up with me. It's been about four days, and I'm at the point where I'm just questioning the whole relationship, everything he said, everything he did.. just everything.

So I'll fill anyone reading this in. I dated my boyfriend for seven months before I gave him my virginity. Then after I gave him my virginity we had constant problems, and it was like he didn't care anymore. He never did anything to make me happy, he hardly spent quality time with me. He put me last on his priorities but I thought I loved him so I was willing to do SO much to fix our relationship. And let me tell you, I did almost all the fixing. There was one time where he went out of his way to say sorry..

Well a few days before our 11 month, he broke up with me. He told me for the most part our relationship was AMAZING and that almost all of our memories were such happy, great ones and he didn't want to look badly on our great relationship - ever. So thats why he ended it, he didn't want to work through our minor problems. He said he didn't think it was worth it to try and fix our relationship, afraid it would just end bad and we would 'hate' each other and not look at our relationship as a good one. He told me that this was more than just a break, that there was a possibility we might not get back together, or we might. He also kept saying he really wanted to be friends. But I told him that if either of us got in a relationship I wasn't going to talk to him. I know what it's like to be on the other side where the ex is trying to interfer, and there is no way in hell I would ever do that to his new girl - because I know what it feels like, and I would never do that to another guy because I know how he would feel.

Well I'm over the crying bit, sometimes I get teary eyed but I never cry. I'm mostly just angry with him. I gave him my virginity after waiting nearly 19 years.. I did SOOOO much to make him happy and yet he did so little. Last night he text me to ask me for a video on my phone, I sent it to him and he said thanks and he didn't even text me back after I said he was welcome. He couldn't even ask me how I was, or anything. Its like he doesn't care, and it makes me think he never cared, and now here I am - questioning everything. It makes me so angry.. and now I'm at the point where I wish I never had sex with him, I wish I never got involved because he hurt me so much over the past four months after I had sex with him. GAH I'm just so frustrated with this whole thing.

I guess I'm feeling used.. I don't know.

[ 09-17-2010, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Love to love ]

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Heather
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I'm sorry that you had a breakup you didn't ant, and I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt.

How do you want to talk about this? Do you want to kind of go through what you're thinking critically with someone like me looking at it from the outside, or are you still in the space where you just need to be upset, feel what you're feeling, and get some support in that?

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Love to love
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Its okay, it's not your fault [Smile] I guess its life and we only get stronger from it.

I'm not sure, I think I want an outsiders out look I guess. Maybe just have some support too.. I don't want to waste any more time being upset ya know? I want to be the happy person I generally am. [Smile] I guess I'm just looking for the right advice to get on that path.

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Heather
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Can't promise I can deliver, but I can certainly try.

One thing that really jumped out at me in your post about this was what seems like the idea that "giving your virginity" -- having some kind of sex with someone -- should "get" you something, like, for instance, a certain level of commitment or more effort coming from the other person in repairing a relationship.

I absolutely know that a lot of people -- usually women -- are raised with those kinds of ideas, or pick them up from the world, but not only are they often false in reality, I'd actually question them pretty strongly for a whole bunch of reasons. We can talk about those if you like.

I don't hear someone that didn't care in what you write about what he said and how he conceptualized the breakup as being the right thing. While it certainly sounds like he was less invested in continuing the relationship than you were (I know: thanks, Captain Obvious), it sounds to me like he was honest with himself and you about what he wanted and felt capable of per this relationship. He also extended friendship to you, which, if he meant it, tells me that while this specific relationship wasn't one he felt he wanted or worked for him, it wasn't about a lack of investment in or care for YOU as a person. Know what I mean?

It's pretty typical for people to want/need some space after a breakup, so I'd be careful of making snap judgments about how he feels about you based on something like a text (which I would anyway: texting is just about the worst way to communicate anything other than "Would you pick up some milk?" or "I'm going to be late.").

Can I ask you if you feel like a) a romantic relationship must always be more important or a bigger deal than other kinds of relationships and b) if when you decided to have whatever kind of sex you associated with virginity with him, you felt like doing so would guarantee you something?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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Alright, I'm going to answer your questions first and then explain more I guess.

A. No I do not, he's actually my first relationship.. I've never depended on a relationship, and I still don't. B. In a way, yes. Before we had sex we discussed it a lot, actually before we had sex it was the only thing that frustrated him about our relationship. He used to tell me all the time 'it'll only deepen our relationship', 'it's a huge commitment'. When in fact I feel it almost ruined it. The first two maybe three weeks after we had sex we were really close and after that he didn't make any effort for our relationship. He was always doing things that he knew upset me and he didn't care. When I would tell him how I felt he would get mad at ME just because I was upset with him and then I would have to be the one to fix our problems even after he would cuss at me, yell, and make me feel bad.

He would always blame me for our problems just because I would bring them up because they never got fixed and it would haunt me.. I guess you could say.

Honestly I feel his reasoning is crap. Because we hadn't had any serious problems in a month almost two. It was out of the blew, when he broke up with me he mentioned how much confidence he had in himself now and then all of a sudden we were over. I didn't think anything of it then, but now I feel like there is someone else. I mean I'm not going to hate him for his reasonings ever, I just wish I knew what the truth was because I don't feel like it was. Because hes not the type to just give up on something that apparently means so much to him unless there is something better.

I know, but he told me to come to him whenever I was ready to be friends, didn't matter when that would be. I understand people need space, because I know I definitely need it and want it. The more I have it, the less I want him. I realize I deserve better, I shouldn't have to be giving out 90% and he does 10% (if that..)

I did anything I could to make him happy, even when I was depressed. And when I explained to him why I was depressed he gave no support, to be honest he just told me to kill myself then. I don't know why I put up with him for so long, I guess I just got comfortable, and fell in love with who I thought he was in the beginning and I was too afraid that no one would ever love me, or I wouldn't be able to be comfortable around anyone like I was with him. I don't know... :/

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Heather
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quote:
He used to tell me all the time 'it'll only deepen our relationship', 'it's a huge commitment'.
It's a pity he told you that, because while sometimes it can go that way, just as often it does not. Do you think when he said those things that he meant them and thought them, or that he was trying to pressure you?

Was he often yelling and swearing at you? Did he never take any responsibility for anything in your relationship, always foisting problems on you?

Am I understanding that this person TOLD YOU to kill yourself when you felt down?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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I honestly don't know. For a while sex was NOT an issue, and we literally had a fight a week before I decided it was time to have sex about sex. At the time I figured he had reassured me, and I did want it, but I was really unsure, and finally I just said yes to it. The fight was like 'I don't know if I can wait another seven months to have sex,' so ya it was sort of pressuring me, but then I felt like he was sincere when he told me it would deepen our relationship because he had told me so many times it would. But now that I think about it, and even at the time I felt sort of pressured, but I wanted to make him happy. I figured it would make me happy too, seeing as I was expecting an amazing boyfriend who would continue to love and commit me to.

Ya for a while till I told him if you continue to do this I will leave. It stopped over the last month almost two when I felt things were going really well.

Ya... I was saying how I didn't feel like I had anything going for me and I felt so alone, and then he was like 'well then why don't you kill yourself?" I told him that really hurt me and he basically blew it off, and later I did too because thats just the type of person he is. But that isn't someone you should say to the person you love.. and thats why I'm starting to question if he really loved me, or if he just wanted to have sex with me then when it was convienant for him, just leave. He NEVER told me how he felt about me. He used too, but like I said after we had sex it all stoppped.

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Heather
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That's not "sort of" pressure. That's sexual pressuring. Mind, you kind of having your own thing in this relationship that you described as doing 'anything to make him happy" isn't healthy either, and was likely part of this, but that doesn't make the ways he pressured you okay or not pressure.

Reading these posts, it honestly sounds to me like you were in a relationship that was, at best, unhealthy, and which may also have been in some ways abusive, namely, based on what you're saying, verbally and emotionally. Perhaps obviously, that would to make our discussion about this different than it would if you were asking about a healthy relationship.

Could you do me a favor and take a look at a checklist for me and give me your read on your relationship and it? You can copy and paste your answers here if you want, but could also just give me a summery, too: http://www.counselorsforwomen.com/abusive_relationships.htm

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just FYI, I need to head off and make dinner with my partner then rest up some more due to some illness, so if you come back and post, I may not reply again until tomorrow.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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I know, I didn't do anything, but I did a lot for him to make him happy even when I wasn't. I know its not healthy but I've always been the type of person to make others happy over myself.. Doesn't matter who you are.. if I love you in some way then thats how I am.

I guess in a way, it was. :/


Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family? Make fun of me? No. Call me out and embarrass me in front of my friends - yes.

Put down your accomplishments or goals? Not really, but he had no faith in me to getting there.

Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions? Not really. Maybe sometimes.

Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance? No.

Tell you that you are nothing without him/her? No.

Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you? Never.

____ Track your whereabouts by frequently calling you or showing up unexpectedly? No

____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? Yes, he broke up with me once because he was so drunk and angry at his ex.

____ Blame you for how he/she feels or acts? Ya, he would constantly blame me for the moods he was in.

____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for? I guess so...

____ Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship? No

____ Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family? He wouldn't prevent me but he would always question why I was hanging out with my family after all they've put me through and then continue to talk badly about them

____ Try to keep you from leaving or abandon you to "teach you a lesson" after an argument? No

Do You...

____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Yes

____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior? Yup

____ Believe that you can help your partner change if you change something about yourself? No

____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry? sometimes

____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Yes

____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? Ya

____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what he/she would do if you broke up? Yes, I was always afraid that he would go back to his old ways with drugs.

Is that what you wanted?

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Heather
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That helps a lot.

So, pretty clearly, this was an unhealthy relationship which may well have also been an abusive one at times.

Here's the thing because of that, based on what you came in asking: once a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, trying to figure out what was sincere and what wasn't, what was a manipulation and what wasn't is basically nigh unto impossible.

I'm going to say something I'm fairly certain will not sound good to you, but I want to say it anyway: abusive and/or controlling people almost NEVER end a relationship, and it's VERY hard for the person being controlled to leave. So, honestly, you lucked out here. I'll understand if you don't feel lucky, but this is the interpersonal equivalent of dodging a serious bullet.

Now, that said, I don't expect you just just switch to feeling happy about your breakup. Breakups are hard, usually, no matter what, especially if we didn't want them, even if the relationship was not a good or healthy one. But this may have a good deal to do with you feeling used and manipulated as well as angry.

One thing that's really common for manipulative/abusive/controlling people to do is to make "deals" they never honor. For instance, saying sex will create a bigger commitment, or cementing a relationship with you that hinges on things you may not ever be informed about, like how well you will be controlled, or like how much you'll dismiss without complaint.

Again, if you're coming into relationships with a "I'll do everything for you" mentality or behavior, while you're not at fault if someone abuses or exploits that, that is going to tend to draw people to you who are not healthy themselves, because it's just not healthy. Healthy people will tend to be troubled or creeped out by that, not think it's awesome or test it out. So, I'd suggest working on that after you get past whatever time you need to have grief or anger about this relationship, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(By the way, I only just looked at your post history. I'm afraid being ill made my brain foggier than I'd thought. We've talked about my sense this relationship was abusive months before this, and our collective sense months before that that this guy was just...well, not so awesome.

Can I ask if you ever set that timeline we talked about? It doesn't sound like you did if you've been feeling so hurt, so if not, it might be wise to talk about why you didn't feel able to to help you best protect your heart moving forward.)

[ 09-17-2010, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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I agree, I've had time to really think about everything that went down in out relationship and I'm not happy with how it happened. I have always told myself I deserve the best, and not to lower my standards, I would always tell my friends this - and yet I did it myself. I guess subconciously I've known hes manipulated me and been emotionally and verbally abusive. But I've never really wanted to come out and say it. My best friend always told me he wasnt for me, he wasn't going to change but I just didn't believe it.

I've realized I need to do things for myself and not always do things for my significant other. Of course I want to make them as happy as I can, but I can only do it when I've tended to my own happiness first. The break up has taught me a lot about this. I haven't cried in a few days, I'm mostly just angry.

I did set a timeline and he did change, he wasn't yelling and he wasn't cussing at me like he had. He was doing really well minus a few details that I guess come with being in a relationship for a while. So he'd been a lot better with me in the sense of his anger, so thats why I stuck around. When I posted about how I wanted to break up with him, I nearly did it, but I figured I'd give him a chance to change, and he did. But now we're not together. So I guess that doesn't matter too much anymore [Razz]

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Heather
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Well, you setting the limits you did, then, may have been part of the death knell. In other words, he may have become aware that you were not going to be easily controlled. It may even be that when you set those limits, he started looking for an out of the relationship right there. Mind, I'm not saying that was a mistake on your part AT ALL. Quite the opposite, really. Like I said, just having someone controlling and abusive walk away is a miracle, even though I know it doesn't feel like one now.

I'm glad to hear that you're having some epiphanies, and glad to hear you're making a commitment to yourself not to tolerate this kind of dynamic again, and to make sure that you're tending to your own happiness as much as someone else's. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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It could have.. I know he told me that his ex told him he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and I laughed at the time and now I see it. I see how he is with his mom (not that I agree with her at all)but he treated her so badly.. not in a way a son should treat their mother.. I'm actually thankful he left me, because if he didn't who knows if I would.. Now I'm like I don't even want to think about getting back with him. It helps being busy with training for work and the grand opening tomorrow because then I don't have time to think about how angry he makes me [Razz]

Thanks. Thats so sweet and you have NO idea how much you've helped.. well maybe you do! But ya! Hahah thanks!

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Heather
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Well, however much, I'm glad to have been of help.

Not now, but at some point, it might be helpful to you to go back and look at all of your posts here, and all the kinds of things said to you about this guy/relationships like your friend said. Not so anyone can have any kind of "I told you so," but more so you can see the red flags better in hindsight, understand better people don't tend to suggest someone is or may be abusive unless they are pretty sure they are, and in moving forward in your dating life, be more able to see the bad stuff coming and more likely to avoid it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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I will. I know it was bad I just figured I loved him and I didn't want to give up without a fight. It just sucks he made himself to be this amazing great guy and then all of a sudden he changed SO much but I was already in love and had hopes he could go back to being that guy, but he didn't obviously want to be that guy anymore. [Razz]

He text me today. Telling me good luck with work. (I had a double and now work at the buffalo wild wings RIGHT across from ASU and it was grand opening today so it was crazy) so he sent me a text saying good luck. It was weird, I didn't really know what to do. But I didn't want to be a spiteful rude person so I replied with a simple thanks and luckily he didn't reply. I know I don't have to text him back but I didn't want to be mean, even if he deserves it. But trust me there is no way Iwant to get back with him. [Razz]

[ 09-21-2010, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: Love to love ]

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Love to love
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Also, he text my best friend today asking her how I've been. I text him to tell him he can ask me how I am and that I was fine, then he asked if I had talked badly about him to a friend and I hadn't. Then he said he was sorry for mentioning anything, and I said it was okay and that he can ask me how I am and that I was honestly fine. and he was like "well, its rough for me so I just wanted to hear from you is all. Glad to hear you're doing fine. Ill ttyl," and I asked what was rough and he responded "this whole thing". I'm guessing he wants to get back together? Or something? I don't know.

[ 09-21-2010, 08:40 PM: Message edited by: Love to love ]

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