Ok so I really just need to get this all off my chest before it drives me crazy. I would love feedback if anyone has been in a similar situation but honestly I will be surprised if anyone has the patience to read all of this.
My boyfriend and I broke up 6 weeks ago. We dated seriously for over 2 years, from age 18 to 20. We met right after high school and then eventually committed to a long-distance college relationship. Even when we are home from school, we still live an hour away from each other. So basically this relationship was set up to fail from the beginning but we were just too in love to care.
He was my first love, first boyfriend, my first kiss, first everything... Since this is online and anonymous I'm just going to toot my own horn and say that I've had a lot of guys interested in me over the years, but he is honestly the first guy I have ever really had any sort of feelings for.
We had a relationship that I seriously loved to brag about because I thought our level of communication, comfort, and just plain friendship was well beyond our years. Particularly in intimiate situations, we had absolutely no problem talking about what we wanted, how we wanted it, teaching each other new things, experimenting with things together.. an awesome situation for a girl like me who had never even kissed a guy before. We had so much fun and were just so physically compatible.
At the beginning of our relationship I was big on waiting for marriage to have sex, (he wanted to have sex but was cool with my decision and never pressured me) because that's how my theology classes always taught me to be, I guess. I was told I might regret losing my virginity, but I would never regret waiting.
Well now that we're broken up, guess what?
I FREAKING REGRET WAITING.
It's driving me crazy and I honestly can't believe I feel this way. Things that I should mention: 1. After about a year I decided that I did want to have sex with him and I "knew" that eventually we would... but I was so terrified of the idea of getting pregnant that I couldn't bring myself to do it (even though I would have been on birth control AND we would have used a condom every single time). 2. He did not break up with me because we weren't having sex. I mean I guess I can never know that 1000% for sure since I'm not him, but it's not like we weren't satisfying each other in other ways. My point is, I'm not all "omg if we had sex we'd still be together." No. 3. Our relationship was based on so much more than just the physical (we waited like 7 months before even venturing down the belt and being long distance it's literally impossible to focus only on physical things).
We were never unfaithful, and honestly I don't think I'll ever be sure about the reasons behind our break up, which I am slowly trying to accept. He claims it was mutual, I claim he broke up with me (longgg story very short: he stopped putting effort into our relationship, I let it slide so many times, but eventually I knew I deserved better, so I said if he didn't change, we had to break up, and though he said many times he would change and didn't want to break up, he accepted the break up because he just can't handle a relationship. Even though that doesn't even begin to do the situation justice.)
I still love him, and I have good days and bad days about the whole thing, but besides that, this sex thing is like the one big thing I can't shake. Shouldn't I be relieved we never had sex since it ended up in him being dishonest with me and eventually leaving me?
I can't even enjoy masturbation because it almost always ends up with me close to tears. No matter how hard I try my thoughts end up going to him. I'm sure it's because he was my first sexual experience of any sort I associate it all with him but come onnnn. Is this normal at all or am I like screwed for life?
I keep trying to tell myself that my body and my sexuality are mine, not his, but no matter what, anything sexual I see just makes me think how I regret not sleeping with him.
I think part of me thinks because we had such amazing sexual chemistry and compatibility and openness (even up until the end.. we hooked up the night before we broke up) and he was always so eager to please me, I'm afraid I won't find that with someone else. Plus he was a virgin and I was a virgin so I guess I liked the idea of us both losing it to each other, and now I figure by the time I date another man long enough to feel this same level of comfort and openness, chances are it will not be my partner's first time. And I guess I just loved him so much and assumed we would..we talked about it soo many times.. I just can't believe we never did. Also, since he claims that he doesn't want to be in a relationship for a longg time, I'm almost sure he'll end up sleeping with some random girl, being a relatively attractive guy in college, and a virgin at 20. Even though he broke up with me the thought of him giving himself to someone in such a not-special situation, when ours would have been so special, just breaks my heart.
Sorry if that was rambly, I'm just so confused. Have you ever heard of anyone else regretting NOT having sex? Any advice on how to shake this?
I feel so horrible
Posts: 10 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged |
Hi, krystal, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad about this. It sounds like you really enjoyed your relationship while it lasted, and that's great Although I don't have any personal experience with this, I do have a few things I'd like to suggest.
I hear that you're now really feeling like you should have made a different decision about whether or not to have had sex with your partner at the time. However, I also hear that you guys did have a pretty fulfilling sex life together -- after all, intercourse isn't the only kind of sex out there.
Maybe a way to look at this that will make you feel better would be to think about that -- that intecourse isn't the only kind of sex, and it's not actually hugely different from other kinds of sex in terms of intimacy, communication skills, pleasure experienced, etc! In our society, vaginal sex is made out to be a huge deal, that it's so so different from anything else, and it is the only REAL sex. However, this isn't really true. For many people, even, vaginal sex just isn't anything they're that interested in at all!
I know you are expressing that you <i>are</i> interested in it, and I don't mean to say that you shouldn't be -- just that maybe if you don't think of yourself as having not had sex with your ex-boyfriend at all, and instead as having participated in some forms of sex, it will put this in a different and better light for you
I'm going to link several articles for you that cover this sort of concept, and maybe it'll start to help you feel better about this and think about it in a bit of a different way.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.