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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How do you guys feel about letting someone down easy (when breaking up)?

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Author Topic: How do you guys feel about letting someone down easy (when breaking up)?
Member # 47739

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A girl I know recently dumped a guy that she'd been dating for a few weeks. He didn't do anything wrong, they got along well and have lots in common, but they have different long-term goals and she doesn't want to waste her time dating someone that she wouldn't eventually marry. She doesn't really date just for fun.

She was honest with the guy about why she wanted to break up, and he was fine with it and asked if they could still be friends. This next part is what bugs me. She knew that when he asked about being friends that he wanted to be REAL friends, like see each other a few times a week like she does with her other friends and like they did when they were a couple. She told him that yes they could be friends, but she already knew that she was going to pull away from him. I'm sure that they'll still talk on Facebook and she'll invite him to parties and other group things, but they won't be REAL friends. She defended herself to me by saying that she didn't lie because they'll still be friends, just not as close as they used to be.

I'm not upset with this girl or anything, especially because I feel like this kind of thing happens all the time. But I feel like she was being misleading, and I admit that I can't think of a more appropriate thing to say in that situation. What do you guys think? What would you do if you were in her place? Do you think that people should be more honest with stuff like this, even if it might hurt feelings? (I feel like this guy will end up getting hurt when he realizes that she didn't want to be REAL friends, but she won't be around to see it so it's not as bad. For her.)

The meaning of happiness is whatever you want it to be.

Posts: 23 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
May Day
Member # 39174

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i don't the definition of "friend" has to include a minimum amount of time spent together. My best friends i see every couple of weeks. Some maybe a few times a month. We're all in different places life-wise so that's how it goes. Doesn't mean we're not real friends.

Regarding these two people? well.. for starters they've recently broken up. Just because two people can rationally understand and even agree with a break up being best, it still takes time for the emotional attachment to calm down. My ex? i still consider him a valuable part of my life; but when we broke up we spent bugger all time together because being near each other *hurt*. Even now, we only hang occasionally because we've got stuff to do, but i consider him a *good* friend.

Another side is: intimate relationships are different to friendships. Just like needing time to let you emotionally move past the relationship, you to unwind the intimate relationship from the friendship so you can have just the friendship. A friend of mine thinks that you have to rebuild the friendship after a break up. I kinda agree, after a relationship you may have had your fill of your partner for awhile and need space before you're ready and want to pick up the friendship anew.

If this girl was honest with this guy about why she wanted to end the relationship (which, i think, is hard to do because you ARE emotionally intwined with the other person) then i don't think she was intentionally misleading him about wanting to stay friends. I don't think it's fair to presume she WAS misleading him. It's more likely that she needs space to refill *her* life. They have all the time in the world to rebuild a close friendship, so why rush it now when she obviously requires space from him.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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