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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » So, this has never happened before...

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Author Topic: So, this has never happened before...
Member # 47696

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My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 months now, and we haven't had sex... we haven't done anything more than kiss. Even though we share a bed most nights. We're both 19 and have had sex before with other people.

I asked him why and he said he didn't want to 'rush things' and that he didn't want to have sex drunk as he has a hard time getting an erection when he's been drinking.

We have a great relationship and everything else is going really well but i've never been with a boy for this long and never taken the relationship further it's making me feel really insecure and that he doesn't really like me/ is attracted to me?

It sounds silly but it does really get to me, I don't know whether to bring it up again as he's really shy.


[ 06-30-2010, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: evelynx ]

Posts: 1 | From: U.K | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carpe Diem
Member # 47124

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Just throwing my two cents in.

Deciding not to have sex drunk is a wise choice on many levels. Sometimes, intoxication can lead to making sexual choices that might not be made while sober, such as not using a condom.

Per the speed that your relationship is progressing sexually, different people feel comfortable moving at different paces, and while I understand that you are having some anxiety around *why* he is deciding to take it slow, I'd suggest just respecting his need to not rush into sex in this relationship.

That being said, if you haven't talked much about the subject, by all means sit down and have a frank, open discussion about where you both are at, while being mindful to respect each other's feelings and bounderies.

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

Posts: 210 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47572

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If it's only been two months, there's nothing wrong with this i don't think. It takes time. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with you yet? Have you tried initiating it when you're in bed together? Maybe his shyness is part of the problem. The more time you spend together, the more comfortable he will get with you. Maybe that's all he needs.
Posts: 11 | From: Kansas | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41194

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Hi evelynx,

I just wanted to say I think it would really be worth it to bring the subject up again. I doubt that the reason you two haven't had sex yet is because he doesn't like you/isn't attracted to you.

Was he intoxicated the first time he had sex? Because like you probably know, you lose your better judgment when you're drinking, so chances are it just happened and he may not have fully wanted it or knew it was a mistake, or could turn into one.

Since he is in a relationship with you now,you state that he doesn't want to have sex when he's drunk, right? He is probably just waiting for the right moment. Is the first time you or him initiated sex when he was drunk?

Also, I wanted to add in that everyone's wants and needs are different. Some people wait 2 or 3 months until they have sex, other's wait for a year, and some people wait until marriage. All is normal depending on who you are, because it varies person to person. What's considered "normal time" for you, may not be for someone else. For example, my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship together for about a year and a half, but longer if you count the veryy beginning of our relationship because I was dealing with my ex at the time. We haven't had intercourse yet, but we've found other ways to pleasure each other, and we plan on waiting until marriage for intercourse.

So, I think if the two of you set boundaries and figure out what you both want now, and in the future, that you'll both feel better and comfortable about the way everything is going [Smile]

[ 07-07-2010, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: loveyoumake ]

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Member # 47721

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Two months isn't very long at all. If he hasn't tried yet with you, he may just be waiting for the right moment, or he is just shy and doesn't want to ruin what you already have by moving too fast. You did say your relationship is going well right now. Guys don't like being too hasty and ruining a good thing. Most introverted guys think that way, and well, if you haven't talked to him about it while you were both sober, I'd try talking to him about it. You never know what you learn and what happens with just open communication! Especially with a shy person, or two shy people. [Smile] Shy people take a while to become comfortable around others... I know it took me a while to be fully comfortable with my boyfriend when I was with him. We were both shy, but the fact we could talk about anything helped... a lot.
Posts: 14 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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