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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » boyfriend and his mom

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Author Topic: boyfriend and his mom
Member # 30364

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I just started seeing this guy, who is absolutely one of the nicest people I've met. But I am having a serious issue with him: his mother!

He is a a little younger than me, but we both go to university. His mom basically controls his life. He actually tells me he is "not allowed" to do certain things. I tried to look at it like "Well, he still lives under her roof, so of course she'll have say in some things", but I can't get over it. Every single time we hang out, he HAS to call her to "check in". She is worried sick when he is out (I've heard what she says to him on the phone), even if he is just at my apartment.

I think what really sent me over the edge was the fact that she asked him if were having sex and offered to buy us condoms. He is in his 20's, I am in my 20's! I feel very uncomfortable now. It makes me wonder what he DOES tell her.

I have always been a pretty independent person. I do understand people are raised differently but honestly, I just can't deal with this. So my question to you guys is: How do I go about the breakup? How in the heck do I say this without being rude?! I do not want to offend him - he really is a sweetheart, but this is bothering me beyond belief and I can't be with him.

Posts: 250 | From: somewhere | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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You can either call him or meet him for coffee and simply say that you're just not feeling things click. You can say that you think he's really nice, but don't think this relationship can work out. You don't have to specify the reason, even if he asks. It's not "rude" to break up with someone--it's just the way things go sometimes. One very polite way to put it is to say that you just don't feel a really big "spark" or something like that--phrase it as a compatibility issue rather than something being wrong with him. Afterall, that's really what this is.
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Just passing through for a sec, but I also thin k it is okay to be more honest, albeit gently, and that it might help him to make positive changes in his life.

In other words, I think you can say that you just feel like for you to be involved, you need someone to have some more autonomy and separation from their parents first.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47037

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I have EXACTLY the same problem! he's the only son, and she can't cope with him "leaving the nest", which is something you should take into account. I feel once the moms start in on the sex life, the line has been crossed.
Have you brought up the mommy issue? I think you should try that before you break up with him, maybe he feels his moms getting in the way too? And it might be hard for him to say something because, well she did give birth to him.

If you really think he's telling her personnel stuff (Sex and what not)stuff (Trust me been there!) i think that's indicating maybe he's not mature enough to be in a relationship at the moment . I cannot fathom the woman actually asking to buy you guys condoms, is she loopy or what? That's just way to strange.
I'd say you should talk to him about it, and if doesn't agree to talk to her about it, dump him.

Posts: 23 | From: West Chester, Pa. | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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