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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » 2 clingy

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Author Topic: 2 clingy
XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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Me and my bf have been on and off for the past 6 months. We both love each other very much but we seem to be having the same problems over and over again. He's always been very clingy I guess. We used to see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a week. But since Xmas it's starting to be most days. I love him and I wanna spent time with him but I need space. He thinks we don't see each other enough but I think we see each other more then enough.

I still see my friends but not as much as I'd like and usualy he convinces me to let him tag along which I'm not always too happy about and my friends aren't either. He gets upset when I don't want to see him.It feels like I'm torn between just wanting to scream I need f**king space! Go find someone else to hang out with! and wanting to make him happy and see him smiling and just bringing him along.

I've brought it up many times before and he always gets upset saying that he's trying to make me happy and that he just wants as much time togther as possible. And as much as it annoys me I always end up kind of feeling guilty for giving out to him when all he wants is 2 see me as much as possible. How can you get mad at someone who'll go anywhere, do anyting, any day, any time, just 2 see you?

I've nicely explained that I love him and I wanna see him but that I need time with my friends and time by myself too and that I'll be a much happier person and alot easier 2 b around if he gives me space. Have said that I no he's scared he's gona lose me but that I'm not going anywhere and that it'll be even better when we do see each other. Absense makes the heart grow fonder and all that lol


I don't want to hurt his feelings and I'm aware that this is very unhealtey and I do want to change it. I just dont know what to say or do to fix it. It frustrates me so much and I end up snapping at him and shouting about how I've seen him every day this week and I need some f**cking space and that he's driving me insane and that he can't force me 2 spend every day of the week with him but as soon as I've said it I hate myself and even though I know I'm telling the truth I just wanna take it all back and pretend I didn't mean it cuz it kills me 2 hurt his feelings.

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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He's also always been very jealous and I'm accused of cheating on a regular basis. He thinks he has the right to read my email and my text messages and usualy I let him cuz I want to prove I'm not cheating so he'll drop it but this constant nagging, constant where are you? who are you with? text messages are driving me insane. I hate the fact that he thinks he should be allowed read my texts and I used to put up a fight but realised for my sanity its easier to just let him do it. I have nothing to hide anyway. I'd just love to be trusted instead of having to prove everything.

The fights aren't violent its just more like I get so frustrated after spending so much time with him and the non stop texts and lack of time on my own that I snap straight away when an argument starts and I dont want to be saying stuff I'll regret or getting too angry so I'll ask 4 space or il say il talk 2 u 2morow or whatever and he'll just keep going and going. texts, phone calls, coming out to my house and telling my mom how upset he is and how much he needs to talk 2 me and how we need to sort it out when really the only thing that will sort it out is giving me the space I asked for.

I always end up regreting half the stuff I say when we're fighting but I know I wouldn't end up saying it in the first place if he just said ok I'll talk 2 u 2morow instead of sending 20 texts messages in a row until I'm ready to throw my cell phone out a window.

I love him and I know he loves me too but how can I stop this crazy obsession with me cheating??? How can I get him 2 just relax and enjoy being with me instead of wasting our time together fighting about something I know will never happen. I've done everyting I can to prove it and he has no reason to think I have cheated or will cheat.

I don't wanna leave him. But if it dosn't change soon I'm going to have too.

Any advice on what I could say to him 2 make him realise that this needs to stop? That he can't keep pushing this far. That when I say give me space it dosn't mean send me 20 texts, ring my cell phone every ten minutes, ring all my friends trying to get through to me and come out to my house trying to convince me to talk to him when I've already explained that I need time 2 calm down

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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atm1
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Hayley,

Honestly, this is not someone who sounds capable of a healthy relationship. His behavior (being jealous, not giving you space, manipulating your mother and friends, not respect what you say) is full of SERIOUS red flags.

I don't believe that you'll be able to get him to be in the type of relationship you want. He very clearly needs to work on his issues by himself, not while in a relationship.

I strongly encourage you to tell your friends that his behavior is really unacceptable and that you need them to not pressure you to spend time with him. If your friends take his side, they're simply not friends you can trust.

His behavior is SO far over any acceptable line that it needs to stop, and probably the only way to make sure that happens is to end the relationship (or at the very least, take a couple week long break when you don't speak or text at all).

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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I agree with you.....

My friends don't preasure me to spend time with him or take his side though. Most of them have told me that they wish I spent more time with them without bringing my boyfriend along.

I've asked him many times not to call them regarding relationship problems we're having and I've explained that him discussing our problems with my friends and my Mom isn't fair and that this isn't their problem to fix and that if I wanted them to know what's going on I'd tell them myself. But he always has an excuse "you wouldn't answer your phone and I was worried", "I just wanted to fix it and you wouldn't talk to me", "I didn't know your Mom didn't already know" ect.

I know they're all on my side and they'll back me up if I end the relationship.

I'm not going to continue the way things are going. I'd be willing to give it another try if I got a genuine apology and felt like he understands what he's doing is wrong and wants to change it but he dosn't even agree with me that it's unacceptable.

How could I explain it to him without hurting his feelings? I want to give him one more chance to promise to stop doing this and if he's unwilling to make the promise I'll have to end it.

His response to anything regarding wanting to know where I am, who I'm with, read text messages and emails is always "if you have nothing to hide why won't you tell me, I tell you where I am and who I'm with and I have no problem with you reading my texts and emails". How can I argue with that???

I've been struggling with how to deal with the where are you and who are you with text messages. Should I ignore them even though he'll just send it 20 times? Should I just say "I'm your gf and you need to trust me"? Should I just tell him so he won't be worrying about what I'm doing???

How should I respond to his requests to see text messages and emails? If I say its private he accuses me of hidding stuff from him. Should I just refuse to show him??

I just don't know how to explain to him what the problem is because no matter what I say it makes it look like I'm trying to keep secrets, in the past I've refused to tell him where I am just out of pure frustration and it hasn't gone well. And refusing to let him read texts and emails just makes him more paranoid that I'm cheating and lying to him.

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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Heather
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The thing is, Hayley, I think given all of what you have posted here, it's pretty clear that there's nothing you're going to be able to say, no given approach, where he IS going to behave differently. That's one reason atm1 would have suggested what she did, which is that this is a relationship we think you should ideally get out of, not try and stay in.

I also don't think you can often have an amicable breakup with an unhealthy or controlling person, unfortunately. Breaking up with them tends to be interpreted as an ultimate loss of the control they want for them, so no matter how kind you are about it, he's likely to react badly.

So, I'd give you the same advice atm1 did, and probably that your friends are giving you, too: I'd suggest you separate from this relationship. I don't see what one more chance will do, and strongly doubt things will be any different if you do give him one more chance. At best, he might change his behavior for a few days or weeks, then revert back to acting like this again, especially if he's not getting any professional help with these issues.

By the by, is this this guy from this post two months ago? http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/010403

If so, I'd reread my advice to you there.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, have you looked through these?

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/hello_sailor_how_to_build_board_and_navigate_a_healthy_relationship
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/does_your_relationship_need_a_checkup

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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Ok has gotten way worse. I'm going to break up with him. How do I get my life back together after all this? Feels like everything is falling apart

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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Heather
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I feel like talking about how you might take steps AFTER the step of breaking up is advice that's going to be tough to give.

How about instead we start with the steps to getting out of this unhealthy relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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AGF
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i had a similar problem with the clingy and fighting and accusations. get away as far and as fast as possible. you cannot help or fix him. its not healthy for you to be there. and i know how you feel too. you do care for him as the nice person you know so you do end up feeling guilty and making sure he is happy but its making you miserable and will come back to bite you in the ***. after your relationship is over spend time with your friends and enjoy your "me time" then when you are ready, find a new boyfriend. and be 100% completely honest about everything with him. sit him down when you feel the need to discuss something with him and then you both will be comfortable in the relationship because you will each know each others feelings and personal boundaries and limits. The guy that is controlling you is concerned for his emotions and is using yours to make him feel good. My new relationship is amazing and so so much better. I'm even more happy with him than I was with the last one and more than the last one ever made me feel I could be if I was with someone else.
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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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I've already done it. Breaking up is easy. Staying broken up is the hard part

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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anyone?

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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atm1
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Hayley, we don't promise a response in a certain time, particularly when we are very short staffed and some people are on vacation.

Too, it's unclear to me what you're looking for here. Can you be more specific about what your question is?

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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How do I get my life back together after all this? Feels like everything is falling apart

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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eryn_smiles
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Right at the beginning of this thread, you were talking about needing more time to yourself and to spend with friends. How are things going with friends and family? Have you been able to ask them for support? What kind of things do you enjoy doing, just on your own, that you now have more time for?

Sounds like you've had a really tough time with few abusive relationships in the past. Any more thoughts about getting some counselling support?

Hang in there and take care! This will get better.. (PS- good on you for being strong and ending it with him, I'm sure that can't have been easy)

[ 07-24-2010, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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Emm my ex had kind of caused alot of problems with my friends and family before we broke up and I guess I realised after that I didn't even have any interest in being friends with half of them and had just been making the effort so it wouldn't look like I was ditching them for a boy. We're just not realy close anymore. Feel like I have nothing in common with them anymore. And havnt for a long time. Only one Ive felt realy close to recently was my ex and that's done now.

I'm kind of a people person. Not the type to sit home and watch tv would prefer to be out doing something. I dont know what I like doing on my own anymore. I don't realy like doing anyting on my own. Used to enjoy dancing but can't be bothered anymore. Quit taking classes and don't realy want to go back.

Parents are finaly now willing to pay for counselling but have both told me that they think it's a waste of money and the only one who can fix it is me.

don't even see the point in getting out of bed in the morning. i try to push the thought to the back of my mind but keeps coming back to me that I could end all this any time I wanted. Put me outa my misery. There's an escape and I wanna take it so bad but can't do it to my parents

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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mma
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That's the depression talking, not you! Call the suicide hotline right now if you're earnestly feeling like you are going to hurt yourself.


Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If your parents are willing to pay for counseling, let them. They may think it's a waste of money, but they will like the alternative even less, as you yourself just said. They are right that the only one who can change you is you. But sometimes there are things you can't do for yourself without help and guidance.

The only one who can educate you is you. That's not a good argument for putting all the teachers in the world out of a job, now is it? Same same.

Please do whatever you have to do to get some help. I know depression makes that hard, but trust me, once you take that first hard step, it gets easier. You are worth it and you will find joy again!

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http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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I'm not going to. I want to. But not going to. Wouldn't do it to my parents.

I kind of agree with them though. I didn't have a bad childhood. Havnt been abused by anyone apart from my last two boyfriends. Had a completly normal childhood that was very far from traumatic and from past experiences with couselling my childhood seems to be all there instrested in talking about when it was so uneventful that I don't think there's any chance any of these problems have anything to do with it. The last counseller I saw basicaly blamed the whole thing on my parents divorce which I can't even remember due to being too young at the time. I'm not upset about it and I don't even really think about it. They've been split up for as long as I can remember so there's nothing to miss.

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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Heather
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The thing is, I'm not a fan of one of the strong messages your parents seem to be giving you, that only you can "fix you."

Often in life, when we're stuck in certain patterns -- like with something like controlling or otherwise unhealthy relationships -- we need help to get ourselves unstuck. For sure, most of the work we'll do in things like that is our own, but we don't always know what we need to do or evaluate, and often also need support.

As well, depression is a health issue. I doubt you'd remove your own spleen if it was sick, because you don't have medical training. The same is true with any kind of mental illness or imbalance: seeking out evaluation and treatment from someone else is usually necessary to know what we might need, what our options are, and to get help.

I don't think staying stuck in the idea nothing bad happened to you, therefore you shouldn't need therapy or other help is productive. For starters, you have been in two abusive relationships: that, all by itself, is a big-bad and needs some address. It also sounds like you may have depression, which might be chemical, and not situational at all -- not all depression is because something bad happened to someone.

Not all counselors do or say the same things, and a bad experience with one doesn't mean they'll all suck. So, since your parents are willing to pay for counseling, and you certainly have some issues you need help with and are asking for help with, I'd suggest going ahead with that. You can screen counselors before you start seeing one regularly to tell them what's been going on, and then ask then what their approach with you would probably be, choosing one whose approach sounds sound to you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XXXHayleyBabyXXX
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I'm going to do it. I'll ring 1st thing in the morning. Do you realy think it's possible to recover after all this though? will I ever really be happy again? or even happy on my own without a boyfriend. I really do feel like half a person. I know that's not healthey just feel like my life is so empty without him but at the same time he treated me terribly and I don't want to go back. I want to move forward I just dont know how

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Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you

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Heather
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Yes, absolutely. Plenty of people have and do, and it's fair to say that all of people are much more likely to be happy and find happiness after leaving abusive or dysfunctional relationships and learning other patterns of relating than they are sticking with them.

Please also bear in mind that that feeling of being half a person without an abusive or dysfunctional partner often has to do with both still being in the cycle of abuse in your head and heart, but also often in your own poor self-conception that probably played a part in landing in something abusive in the first place. And both of those things are areas in which you can get help, and feel a lot better so long as you really work it at and accept the help you're given instead of resisting it or continuing to come back to those patterns.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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