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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » annoyed with best friend

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Author Topic: annoyed with best friend
SpiderGirl91
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Member # 45953

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sooo I have been friends with this girl for almost 6 years...we hit it off right off the bat (: and even when she moved to another state almost 3 years ago, we stayed in contact and even got together a few times.

She started changing when she moved away. When we were both living in the same city, she was a shy, conservative girl with no fashion sense, but awesome sense of humor and I loved her the way she was.

She started chopping and dying her hair, listening to hard rock, and got some new clothes. This was fine....but when she got a boyfriend, she started acting like a total bitch. I don't wanna go into a lot of details, otherwise this will be a super long post [Razz] but in a nutshell, she's an obnoxious, slutty dressing, boyfriend-addicted person now. But I still love her. sometimes [Razz]

anyways. I have a new boyfriend, and she won't stop trying to compare my relationship with hers. She keeps saying she's not modeling all relationships off of hers, but I can totally tell that's what she's doing.

I don't think she's in a healthy relationship for one, and for two, I don't want her giving me any more boyfriend advice. How do I tell her to leave me alone?

Posts: 14 | From: Michigan | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Horizon
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First of all, please keep from making derogatory comments here. You may be upset at your friend's behavior, but we don't tolerate accusatory terms like 'slut' or 'bitch' here.

I am not really clear about what you expect out of this friendship. Do you want to break off the friendship entirely or stop her from talking about boyfriends? You have probably experienced in your life, too, that when you get a new partner there is so much exploration and learning to be done that you want to talk to others about it.

The simplest way that I see for you to maintain this friendship (if that's what you want) is simply to not bring up relationships with boyfriends. When talking to her, you can change the subject to something else you are mutually interested in.

Also, be aware of the differences between what you find to be a healthy relationship and her views on the matter, i.e. is it unhealthy because of verbal/physical abuse, etc, or is it unhealthy because you are not getting the right attention from her because of the relationship?

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-Kayla
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"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

Posts: 755 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SpiderGirl91
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ok, I'm sorry about the language and for not being clear with my post...I'm still learning to navigate this site :\

I say her relationship is unhealthy because the other relationships in her life have suffered greatly as a result of her getting together with this guy.

Her older sister had liked the guy beforehand, and the guy had even gone on a date with her. Everyone was pretty sure they were going to get together...

but then he decided to ask my friend out instead. she accepted, disregarding her sister, who was very close to her. also, her brothers were friends with her boyfriend beforehand, and now she will not allow her boyfriend to spend time with anyone but her.

she has to be with him at all times to feel truly happy, and ignores everyone else when he's around. I can understand being in love, I just don't think it's right that she's hurting everyone around her by the way she acts when her boyfriend is around...does that make sense?

so no, I do not think that her relationship is bad only because it affects how much time we spend together....I don't think it's good emotionally for her family and the few friends she has.

as to whether I want to remain friends with her or not...I do want to stay friends with her, I just don't like what she has to say about relationships to me...I don't agree with it.

Posts: 14 | From: Michigan | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilerse
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Just want to say that I've been through the same experience with my best friend. And right now we're in a really good place and I've accepted her for who she is. People change. I know how much it sucks when they do, but it happens.
My best friend and I have been close since we were in elementary school. Even though she was 2 years younger than me, she started experiencing boobs, boyfriends, drugs, alcohol, etc. before I did. I was always really strong-minded about these sorts of things and did what I could to convince her of my point of view. But there was nothing I could do.
Long story, but she's doing pretty well right now; I still sometimes feel like a failure of a friend for watching her go through really bad stages of her life (meth addiction, emotionally abusive relationships, etc.) and not being able to fix them, but she was lucky enough to make it through. She's clean and is dating a wonderful man (the first boyfriend I have ever approved of - and she's had a LOT of boyfriends).

Of course, your best friend is different and may need more of your help. But if you try and intervene, MAKE SURE NOT TO JUDGE. When I was trying to convince my friend not to do some of the things she was doing, I thought it was in her best interest, but really I was moralizing. I wasn't trying to understand her point of view or WHY she was doing these things. I felt so strongly about these topics (like drugs and sex) that I was narrow-minded and judgmental. Make sure to listen. Know you can't change her. And figure out what exactly it is about her choices that's bothering you, and if they're really detrimental to HER.
That's all the advice I can give. I still don't know what I could've and should've done with my best friend. Now I am just trying to be supportive and not tell her what to do when it's her life.

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilerse
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Oh, and as for spending too much time with her boyfriend..that was the case with my best friend most serious, and most emotionally abusive, relationship. The guy was incredibly possessive and controlling and didn't "let" her see anyone else. I barely saw her for 8 months. Eventually she got out of that relationship, but I don't know what would've happened if she'd stayed in it. There was no convincing. I understand that now that I've been in relationships - it is so true that when you're in love you don't think straight. So your friends might know that what you're doing is not healthy, but you're in denial. [Frown]

Her relationship with her sister has to be worked out between the two of them.

And remember that the "slutty" dressing etc. is her choice. Believe me I WAS in your situation, I couldn't believe the kind of clothes my best friend suddenly started wearing (or the makeup, hair, piercings, etc.), but eventually I opened my mind and grew to accept it. Honestly I am glad my best friend opened up a whole new world to me. I was so sheltered before. Now I understand that not everyone is like me or should be like me.
As for the boyfriend-obsessed..yep, that's her. It happens. It's frustrating when girls can't be ok just being on their own for awhile. But she obviously has insecurities and is enjoying the attention boys are giving her; she'll hopefully mature eventually and realize a boyfriend isn't NECESSARY in her life, but for now that looks like how it's gonna be. Teenagehood sucks sometimes. It'll get better:)

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SpiderGirl91
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Thanks, Lilerse. (: I really appreciate your feedback, it's really good for my situation! <3
x

Posts: 14 | From: Michigan | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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