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Author Topic: i should be used to this by now!
babybear
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I'll keep this short and sweet for you guys.

I started a new job about two months ago. I started "talking" to a very shy, nice guy that works with me. We hung out a total of three times and texted a little (every couple of days, I mainly initiated, no phone time whatsoever) before he had asked me to sleep over his house. He asked me this after he hadn't seen me or spoken to me much in well over a week; I don't really know him that well. I reply "are you booty-calling me? lol" I was joking, but still serious. I'd had this happen too many times before, so I figured I'd be upfront and ask in sort of a funny way. I suppose he didn't think it was too funny. He said, mind you this is all through text, it "wasn't like that". I guess I was a bit confused - here is this "shy" guy who can't even kiss me at the end of a date, or talk on the phone, but can ask me to sleep at his house. Whether he was considering having sex with me or not, I just don't understand how he could jump to that?

I apologized to him that night, as well as in person the next day, explained my past and let him know I understood if he was offended. He said he was not offended. I ask him if he'd like to do something that day, he never contacts me, I see him at work a few days later later and he's distant. No word since. I know what that means.

I guess I feel like this is entirely my fault...Maybe I should not have answered him the way I did? I know that a "I'm not all that comfortable sleeping at your house just yet... I feel like we could get to know each other a little better" would have been the much better route. I know, I know, I know. Unfortunately I thought a little humor would lighten things up and texting isn't always the best form of communication.

My very close male friend expressed he thinks I probably made him feel uncomfortable - no matter how I said it! - and he doesn't want to speak with me anymore... but he also said that does not excuse him from completely blowing me off at this point, especially after I apologized to him for any misunderstandings (which my friend also feels I didn't have to do - I was being honest with the guy).

Is it my fault? And what do I do now? Do I let it go, not say anything? He clearly doesn't want to speak with me.

[ 02-27-2010, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: babybear ]

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Ecofem
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Hey babybear!

I think you made absolutely the right call here: it strikes me as kinda odd for a new person who's interested in you to go from hanging out to inviting you to spend the night if there have been no other signs of sexual or romantic interest. It'd be one thing if you two were hanging out and it just felt right to go spend the night at his place (or vice versa) but this situation sounds fishy to me, too.

Also, for him to criticize YOU for being honest and just going with your gut is pretty crappy: it's one thing for him to be like "Hey, I didn't mean it like that, I meant... and I'm sorry to have put you in a weird situation." But his getting so defensive is a red flag right there. And if he were truly interested in you for the whole you (because you've got a lot of neat stuff about you [Smile] ), then he wouldn't have suddenly stopped talking to you.

So, it's not your "fault" at all! It sounds like you did totally the right thing... and also saved yourself the time and energy of getting involved with someone who wouldn't be a good match. I say let it go and rest assured that you'll probably cross paths with a better match in the (near or farther) future. I think you can also give yourself props for listening to your gut! [Smile]

[ 02-27-2010, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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babybear
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Thanks Ecofem! You're always a help.

I agree with what you said - he really didn't explain himself very well (simply a "it's not like that. sorry" text isn't very convincing). He asked me somewhat late at night, out of the blue, and honestly, it WAS weird.

I also agree... I need to find someone who is a good match... someone who wouldn't completely stop talking to me because of a little thing I said (AND apologized for!! sheesh).

Well, what do you think I should do? Should I send him a text, asking what's up? Or leave it be?

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Ecofem
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I say just leave it be and not text him or anything, unless you really, really want to: he has his chance but he missed out, which is HIS loss. [Wink]

And, again, give yourself a pat on the back (hope that doesn't sound too patronizing or cheesy, eek!) for going with your gut, speaking up, and then sticking to what felt right... not to say it's always easy or fun!

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babybear
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Of course I want to text him. I hate to admit that. You know a lot about my past relationships, and you know I seem to let guys treat me like garbage yet still feel like I need to apologize or make things better. Not this time, though. I know I need to leave it be. I'm finally learning [Smile] Sticking up for myself feels pretty darn good, once I get past the ridiculous "Oh I screwed this up, he could have been such a great guy" type feelings. (I love that I can be honest about my issues nowadays...you guys have really helped me with that. It helps me rationalize these situations.)

That's not cheesy at all! Encouraging and kind words are ALWAYS wonderful. [Smile]

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Ecofem
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How about you just wait till Monday to decide on texting? That way you give yourself some time to reflect and just take away the pressure for a bit. And please don't get down on yourself! Our pasts are what they are: it's good to be aware and reflect but no reason to beat ourselves up for it! [Wink] That said, yes, I can't tell you how incredibly happy I am to hear about your sticking up for yourself here and trusting your gut!

Plus, a side benefit of developing a spidey sense with such guys (or girls, not to say such behavior is gender-specific) helps you find a GOOD relationship in that you can sense (and avoid) the creepers from the start so you have more time and space for the kind (and sexy [Wink] ) people. For that matter, people who are abusive will tend to go for partner whom they think they can push around; being assertive, sticking up for yourself and the like is going to scare them away. Conversely, being assertive, sticking up for yourself and the like is going to attract good partners who see that you're a positive person with a healthy self-image and your sights on a good relationship. That's not to say that there can't be hard moments or "d'oh!" setbacks, but it sounds like you're really on the right track here. [Smile]

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