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Author Topic: Suicide
Kalex
Activist
Member # 43486

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I wasn't entirely sure which board to put this on...Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

My sister's friend killed herself last Tuesday. The girl (call her F just so the constant references to different 'shes' doesn't get too confusing) hadn't been at school that day, and had left a note that had her parents very worried. F had been out of school a few weeks ago due to 'personal reasons', but she had been back and everyone thought she was OK. My sister didn't know anything was wrong until she got home from school and a counselor called to ask if she'd seen her friend. We spent the evening in an uncomfortable state, and I was woken up the next day by my sister crying and saying they found her. F drowned herself in the ocean.

It's been really devastating for everyone. I'm amazed by how many people knew of her. She was really active in her school. Such an intelligent girl, way above average. I hadn't met her very often, but I always heard my sister's comments about how 'F did this, F said this really funny Monty Python quote, etc.'

My sister's really sad, and I hate seeing her like this. They had been friends for three years, and my sister isn't the best at making friends. Because of us living abroad when we were younger, this is the first school she's been at for more than a year.

I'm taking it rather hard. It's just so incomprehensible to me. It's so painful, and I can't understand it. I know that it was her choice, but I can't understand how she could do something that hurts so many people. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I'm not used to crying so much.

I've talked to my boyfriend on Saturday, who was really good and just held me for quite a while and let me cry. I've talked to my best friend. I've talked to one of my teachers, who knew F, and I've gone to a counselor at my college. I still just feel awful.

I mentioned on this site that I'm training for a crisis line. That changed slightly-I switched to an online program run by the same people. It's one-on-one online chat program for youth, and it seemed to be a better fit for me. Thing is, we apparently get a lot of suicide chats. I don't know why, but I discovered during my training that it was a triggering subject for me. I was doing a lot of work to get to a place where I could be empathetic without losing my calm. I had just successfully done a low-risk practice chat with my trainer, and was going to do a medium-risk chat the day we found out about F (it had been cancelled the day before due to unrelated reasons).

Now I feel completely back to square one. I was almost done my training, and I'd been working for so long and so hard. Now I know I won't be able to do it for a fair amount of time, and that makes me feel so useless.

I've also lost my libido, which feels really strange. After the crying and everything, I was feeling somewhat better. We were talking and hanging out, and my boyfriend tried to initiate kissing and touching. Usually, I love being close to him, but this time I just really wasn't interested. I made that clear, and he stopped, but it still felt strange. And I haven't masturbated since before we found out, which is...uncommon to say the least. Typically I do so every few days. To go this long without any inclination to...it really feels like everything has been thrown out of wack.

Posts: 52 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Kalex: unfortunately, suicide is an intensely triggering issue for me personally, too, and today I'm just not up for it, so I left a note for the other volunteers to come by for you when they can.

Because you may see me here posting to others, I just didn't want you to feel like you were being unseen or overlooked.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 28346

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Hi Kalex,

I'm so sorry to hear all of this, what a sad situation. It sounds like you are taking the right steps to dealing properly - reaching out to friends and trusted adults is pretty key, as you know.

I'd definitely advise taking a break from the crisis line. It can be difficult to really help others when you are feeling such a mess yourself, you know? That doesn't mean you are useless, just human. It sounds, though, like you were having issues with suicidal users before this happened. Once you take some time off for healing and feel back up to par, it may be a good idea to talk to a supervisor or even a counselor at your school about if this is a good fit for you, or if there is some other helpful work you could feel good about doing.

And seriously? It's not surprising, at all, that you feel thrown out of whack sexually. High stress, grief, drama or whatever can have major havoc on our libidos. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, or that it won't come back eventually. Just continue to deal with things as well as you can, especially talking out your feelings with people you trust.

I assume your boyfriend is being understanding about taking it slow for awhile?

--------------------
The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Kalex
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Member # 43486

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I completely understand, and I appreciate you letting me know that. I stayed home today, so I don't have a ton of things to do besides knitting. I would have been checking and I probably would have been confused. So thank you.
Posts: 52 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kalex
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Member # 43486

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Oh, oops, didn't notice you had posted, Alice. Thank you very much for getting back to me.

I know that I have to take a break from the crisis line. I emailed my trainer to say I needed some time, and she completely understood that. I understand it intellectually, but it still feels so hurtful that this thing I've invested so much free time in has come to a screeching halt. I had almost finished, and now I'm just in limbo. And I do want to keep going with it. I don't intend to give up. I think part of the problem is that I'm fascinated by theoretical concepts, but sometimes I'm better at the theory than the actuality. The fact that this concept I was trying to make my peace with so abruptly became reality really threw me.

And then I feel bad that I'm intellectualizing and rationalizing when a girl is dead. I wish I didn't analyze so much. I'm trying to make sense of something that just...doesn't. F was my sister's age, and no one had any idea what she was going to do. She had a party a few days before, invited her friends over for vegetarian food and boardgames. How could she do that to all of them? I feel like I want to be mad at her, like that'd be a relief, but I can't.

Sometimes I'm not the best at dealing with emotions. There was a long period where I either kept them all bottled up or let them sort of explode out in anger. I've worked on finding healthy expressions so much in the past four years, but right now I feel like I'm spinning out of control.

I know that events like this can have an impact on sexuality, but like I said, knowing and having it happen are very different. I don't know, I just feel like it's one more part of what's making me feel bad. It was only in the last few years that I came to terms with myself as a sexual person, and that felt really great. He's the only boyfriend I've ever had, so everything with him has been really new and exciting. Now I feel sort of fuzzy and weird about it.

I haven't actually seen him in person since Saturday; he's been really busy because he's rehearsing for Othello right now. He's called me frequently and been really great. I haven't discussed the loss of libido yet because it was only in the last few days that I realized just how low it felt, and I'm seeing him tomorrow. I think I'll play it by ear. Just being with him has a tendency to, um, 'get me going', so I don't know what to expect. If I still feel this way I'll let him know and I don't anticipate a problem with that.

I just want to stop feeling this way.

Posts: 52 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Member # 35643

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Hi Kalex,

I read through your post and am really sorry you're going through this pain. All of these feelings, they're common when you're grieving for someone. To feel how unfair and unjust death is, to try to look for reasons and to be angry at the person who has left. I hope that you're able to keep talking to the people who care about you, and to the counsellor at college.

Sounds like working in the crisis line is very important to you and you'll likely be able to get back to it at some point, but it's important to be kind to yourself as well and give yourself time to recover.

Your relationship with your boyfriend does sound great and understanding. Seems a good idea to play it by ear, as you say. Also be aware that our libido will always go up and down during our lives, rather than remaining constant, even when we're not going through big stresses like this.

Take care.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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