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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » older men and a girl. HELP.

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Author Topic: older men and a girl. HELP.
alyssalynn
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i am seventeen. i have had sexual interactions with about 6 or 7 guys 21 or over, starting at 16. and sexual interests and conversations would triple the number. (i know i am promiscuous, please don't judge).

what i am here to ask is does anyone else have such attraction to older guys? are these guys bad guys because they are willing to have sex with a minor?

i wasn't too worried about this situation until recently, my assistant principal who is 41 has completely fallen for me. and i am having intense feelings for him back. he is older than my parents, and has two kids. he kissed me and told me he wouldn't do anything else until i am 18, but i really don't believe that. i know something else will happen.

is he a bad man or can he just not help the way he feels? he really cares about me and he's been amazing to be, a huge support. i can't think he's a pedophile... but if he is... i need to be careful. i've been molested and raped by two different people before, and i do not want to be hurt again. please help me... thanks.

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no day but today

Posts: 34 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
robot_on_fire
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this seems to be a complex issue,

I cant say much , but i feel that you should not be continuing what ever you have with your assistant principal .

You wont get much good out of it, he is already married and has kids. He has commitments and will not be likely to have a "proper" relationship with you , since his wife and kids will always come first.

His intentions are also questionable , as are his professionalism and work ethics.

If you do not want to enter a potentially complicated and damaging relationship i suggest you make it clear to him that you do not intend to continue with him.

on a side note have you had any counseling for your molest and rape issues?

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alyssalynn
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yes, i have been in counseling for quite a few years. it's just difficult because i feel like he loves me- and i want nothing more than to be loved... but you are right about his wife and kids. he knows everything about me, including the rape and molestation. i've had multiple suicide attempts and he knows all of that, and he still cares. so that might make the attachment make more sense to you? but bottom line, it is still wrong. i will just have to get over it, i guess. thank you.

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no day but today

Posts: 34 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
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alyssalynn,

It is *deeply unethical and illegal* for your assistant principal to have kissed you.

He may have some great qualities, but honestly, this is NOT someone who should be working with teens. His behavior is totally inappropriate, and he certainly knows that.

You should stay away from him as best as you can, and if you ever feel comfortable, you should report him to either district authorities or the police. He has made a choice to engage in this, and that choice can and should prevent him from working with teens in the future. If you ever feel like he may coerce you since he is in a position of power, you really will need to bring in another trusted adult.

Now, as for your other older boyfriends, there can be healthy relationships with age differences, though those age differences are a lot bigger when someone is in their teens and the other is in their twenties. Depending on where you live, these relationships could be illegal, too.

Now, have you always felt able to assert your sexual wants and needs? Have all of your partners been on board with safer sex practices? Are you up to date with STI testing?

Finally, have you seen this?
Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Whoah there, hold the phone.

Chances are exceptionally high that this assistant principal saying what he has to you and kissing you are both FAR outside the bounds of his job. School staff and administrators at nearly any school you can think of are absolutely usually bound by their contracts NOT to do or say anything like that to students, because their position of power is such that that is an exploitation.

This is someone abusing his position, not treating you with love. I would strongly advise you report this person to other school administrators, as anyone who behaves like that with students is not safe to have working at a school.

And yes: someone who abuses their power and position on this way is NOT a safe person for you or anyone else.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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alyssalynn
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I do not think I will report the assistant principal, but I will stay away as much as I can.

I read the article, and some of the guys are the bad guy. I have one guy who I totally love, and he is an amazing guy. He's 22... and here's what spoils it all: in the marines. I know I would be completely satisfied being with him, but it just isn't possible right now.

I have been practicing safe sex, and I am STI free. I am very careful about that. I have told quite a few guys no based on them not having a condom.

Thanks!

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no day but today

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Heather
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Just so that you know, if you wanted help in reporting -- if you wanted someone else to do it who was not you -- that's something we'd always be glad to help users do, making that call for them instead, okay?

Because someone being at a school who is behaving like this is not only unsafe for you, they're unsafe for other students, too. So often young people have the idea -- usually because adults who exploit young people lie and tell them their behaviour is JUST about how 'special" a given person is -- that they are the ONLY one an adult is behaving a given inappropriate way with. But that's rarely the case: usually adults who do things like this either have before with others, or are doing it to others at the same time.

It's in the best interest of everyone's safety for a person like that to be removed from that environment, and not hidden by young students they have either manipulated or intimidated into silence via a crafted loyalty, one that is usually intentional on the part of that person to assure they get to abuse their position for their own enjoyment, with no care for the emotional safety of students and no care for the agreements of their position.

[ 02-11-2010, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marigold
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"he knows everything about me, including the rape and molestation. i've had multiple suicide attempts and he knows all of that, and he still cares."

--> sorry, but maybe if you had a more peaceful past and less depressed present, then he would be afraid of the consequences. His "care" might exist not "despite of" your problems, but actually enhanced by them (and it doesn't matter at all here, what his particular motivations are).

"and i want nothing more than to be loved" - yes, and you deserve the genuine thing.

don't loose the hope, please! please please please please please...

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Heather
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Alyssa: just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today. I'm sure yesterday's conversation probably left you with some strong feelings, maybe some upset or sadness, so figured I'd ask if you're doing alright.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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alyssalynn
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Thank you, Marigold.

Heather- I am doing okay. I am at my dad's which isn't really a place of support or love for me, but I'll be fine. I am letting myself relax and catch up on Lost episodes and watch movies.

But I feel like I've lost him, and I'm still not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it is something I will have to deal with...

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no day but today

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Heather
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Glad you're doing okay.

If you want to talk about those feelings of loss, I'd be happy to do that with you. I'd also be happy if you prefer to help you find someone for counseling in your area to talk to about that if you'd rather have someone in-person to talk with.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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alyssalynn
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I got in a fight with him via FaceBook last night... saying that I was angry that he started this whole thing with me and what is his plan for me. It was basically me being angry at him for putting my in that position. But then he was like I'm not involved in anything with you... and then I apologized for freaking out and felt really bad. And now I just want him more... =(

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no day but today

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay, so want to talk out why you think you're feeling that way?

I mean, here's someone who abused his position of power and your vulnerability. He's someone who is also denying that he's had anything to do with you.

What in that is something you want?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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