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Author Topic: religious beliefs
Talldude90
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so me and my gf had been dating for around2 months and we had a break up... she was trying to change me to better suit her perfect image (im a good guy caring, considerate, loyal, wht ive been told any girl could possibly ask for) but she wants me to be more religious and agree more with her political beliefs (she realized she was trying to change me and apologized) so we go 8 hrs without talking and she gives in and apologizes and says she will change.

i wake up this morning and she says no more sex. completely done till marraige. (keep in mind we have had a good sex life we connect very well in that aspect) that she wants to deepen her faith to change. (she had a bad past. she was raped and used sex as a way of control and i forgave her for that)

now shes saying no sex and if i cant accept that we are done (after 8 hrs of me not talking to her she was like borderline suicidal)

i love the girl. i rly rly care about her, but our views conflict on a lot of things. she doesnt call me and have long phone convos like she had with her exes. i get txts. an occasional phone call here and there.

is it wrong that i dont want to give up the sex? i feel its necessary. u can have a friend whom u talk to and hang with and occasionally make out with. thats not a special connection. i feel that shes taking away the one thing im confident enough in.

she also lives an hr away and is a little bit younger than i (just abt to graduate high school)
her parents raised her to look for a husband (apparently i fit the bill except im not into religon as much as they are yet) she doesnt want to get married till shes around 23-24 (i understand that and agree) but 6 years without sex?

at 19 should i bother trying to fix this?

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kitkatbits
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Before I present my opinion, I would like to say (as a user of the site) that I can't tell you what to do or not do as only I know myself.

Now my opinion:

It seems that you are saying that you want to look for a person that has the same beliefs as you on important things such as sex. You seem to imply that the only way up until now that you and your girlfriend connected was through sexual relations because she never (you say) connected very well with you on the conversational aspect of a relationship.

How do you feel about this?

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Talldude90
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i feel like i dont want to lose her. that she means a lot to me but we always argue. shes set in her opinion and attacks my opinions if they are different from hers. if we are together (one of the 2 times a month i can see her) and her ex bf txts her... she will talk to him (has happened and she said "well we werent doing anything...") we connect on more than a sexual level but we disagree about a lot of things. she is one extreme or another. its her way or not at all.

im afraid to lose her. i really care about her but she doesnt seem to want to change how she handles things. i mean we talk constantly but its only through texting. very rarely over the phone. if i say something bothers me she kinda brushes it aside and says ur just insecure or something. =\

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Heather
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Effectively, when it comes to sex, you're both right.

In other words, you want a sexual relationship to be part of an intimate relationship, and want that to be actively sexual and there isn't a thing wrong with that.

She now has said she does not want her relationship with you to be sexual, save that with marriage, there may be a future potential for sex. There isn't anything wrong with what she wants, either.

The trouble is, that when it comes to this, you two want different things, and it's not right for either of you to ask the other not to want what each of you do, really. (Nor is it okay for her to figure only her opinions and beliefs matter or are correct.)

So, it sounds to me like this simply isn't likely to be or remain a compatible relationship in several different aspects. I understand you don't want to lose her, but it seems to me the only way to stay with her would be to a) accept a relationship that isn't sexual, which is not what you want (or try and get her to change her mind, which isn't okay, either), but also b) be in something where it doesn't sound like you're accepted in being a different person than she is, and where she is asking you to be someone else. Not only does that make clear two people aren't compatible, it would ask of you to be in some pretty unhealthy and unwanted dynamics.

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Talldude90
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i fit in so well with her fam tho like her grandma says its like shes known me forever.. they love me but im just at a loss...
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Talldude90
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sorry for the double post but yea she broke it off.

just told her entire family at the superbowl party

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Heather
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I'm sorry, Talldude. And I know that someone saying what I'm about to often comes off as callous, but please know I don't mean it that way.

It sounded very clearly to me like you two were just not -- or at least haven't been lately -- a good fit anymore, and that this relationship didn't sound likely to meet either of your needs or make either particularly happy moving forward. So, breakups always hurt, but I do think this relationship was probably likely best to let go so both of you can seek out relationships that really do meet both of your needs. And for you, certainly relationships where you are accepted and honored for who you are, not where someone is trying to mold you into what they want.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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i just got this text. "please try and think positive. im not completely gone. i still love you. we're just not meant to be together right now. maybe this is Gods way of making us heal.

(the last girl i dated i fell in a deep love with. bought her a ring the whole shabang. she broke up with me on sept 30th. october first my father passed away in my arms) i started dating my girlfriend on the 4th of november. mayb thats wht she means by heal)

maybe i just need time... but i dont want to be alone. maybe im just so tied up with my own emotions over everything that i snap and dont notice wht im doing.... idk about anything anymore

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Heather
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I'm so sorry. [Frown]

With this relationship, I don't see how any of this is about you snapping. You explained a big sexual incompatibility the two of you now have (due to a change in religious practices on your part, hardly something you could have predicted), as well as a lack on her part of treating you with mutual respect sometimes. In other words, I don't see anything here that suggests you've done anything wrong.

For sure, if we are afraid of being alone or are trying very hard to avoid it, none of us tends to make our best choices per partners. feeling that kind of desperation can make it way tougher for us to see who is and isn't a good fit with who we are. But if you started dating right after the death of a parent, which also happened right after the end of a serious relationship, by all means, it would have been very hard to see who was or wasn't a good fit for you, or what was or wasn't a healthy relationship.

For sure, after either of those things, I'd suggest taking time before dating again, certainly before starting another serious relationship. But you are where you are now, okay? You can't undo any of this, you can only take steps to do what's best for you moving forward.

Since you express feeling so alone, what's your own support network like: who are you close to you can talk with and count on in terms of friends and/or family?

(By the way, from the sounds of things, I really would let this person go. It just -- don't mean to be a broken record -- doesn't sound like it was a good relationship in the first place, nor one that was really embracing of who you are, and to end it with a message like that BY TEXT is....well, in my opinion, that's really crappy.)

[ 02-07-2010, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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im done trying. ive got a psychiatrist i see abt my father. ive got a small network of friends who are there for me. still doesnt change the pain.
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Heather
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Of course not.

I was just saying to my partner today that losing a parent tends to jet a person of any age forward in terms of emotional maturity at least a few years. Losing a parent is one of the roughest things anyone can go through. And going through that after a breakup, then having ANOTHER one shortly after, would all be exceptionally tough. Of course you're going to be hurting, and probably for a while.

Do you feel like you have a handle on what you need? Have you talked to your therapist about your feelings of not wanting to be alone, and also about managing relationships right now (which it might really be best, for the time being, to keep at more casual dating)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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casual dating isnt for me. im an extreme monogamist. like if i like one girl and am talkin to her i wont flirt with anyone else. and as far as my father passing away... he went into cardiac arrest infront of me. i gave him cpr for 13 minutes before paramedics pulled me off. ive lost a lot of people close to me to death. i may be 19 but i feel much much much older. the fact im in my second year of college and shes still in high school may be part of the issue. she feels more mature than she is which as true as it may be... doesnt compare to the level im at (in my opinion)

we have connected on an emotional level and she has helped me in a way i doubt this board will accept. she has a gift. she can talk to the deceased. shes told me stuff about that night my father died, thoughts and feelings surrounding the incident that i hadnt told anyone.

im not ready to just completely shut her out of my life. im afraid of not giving it a second chance to see if we can work things out. id rather do that than kick myself and wonder what if...

as for a handle on what i need.... i feel alone all the time, except when im with her. i can be surrounded by my closest friends and family but i still feel like im alone.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry about how it went with your father. I was exposed to a lot of death and loss, including violent death, growing up myself, and I know how rough it can be and how old it can make a person feel.

This probably isn't the most appropriate time to go into this, but while casual dating isn't something that has to be right for you, or that anyone has to do, going from 0 to 6 in terms of relationships does not tend to net healthy ones. In other words, in the future, if dating doesn't work for you as a way to start relationships more slowly, then friends-first for periods of time may work. But again, this may not be the time.

For obvious reasons, we can't speak to whether or not this girl can communicate with people who have passed on or not. However, someone having the sensitivity to engage in something like that in earnest, but who is without the empathy and sensitivity for something basic like understanding people other than herself have their own set of opinions and beliefs which deserve just as much respect and care as her own seems strongly inconsistent to me.

However, you came asking about the situation you laid out, and whatever anyone's opinions are on that kind of potential communication, I don't think it's something we can soundly consider when someone is asking...well, the questions you started out asking. By all means, I certainly don't think that's something to consider when asking about you wanting a sexual relationship and her not wanting one.

So, per what you did ask and the conversation about this relationship so far, I would stick to the opinion I put out there for you to consider, which is that this does not sound like a relationship likely to be beneficial to either of you to continue. Tonight you have gone back and forth several times about it and what you want to do about it, though, so it may be best that you take a few days to talk to people in your life who support you, and then come back here if you want to pick up our conversation, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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alright. and with her we spoke off and on for a little over a year so it wasnt like i just met her and got together. we just never rly fought...
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Heather
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Do you feel like you want to keep talking about this here right now rather than taking a few days away to go talk to friends?

I'm having a tough time figuring out what you want from your responses.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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to be honest Heather i dont even know either. im so conflicted. i want her but i want wht we had before all of the fighting. gah i dont know anymore. thanks for the help/talk. sorry to have bothered you. take care
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Heather
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I don't feel at all bothered, I'm just not sure how to best help you.

I do think that it's important after a breakup, which you did have, to grieve but also be working on accepting the breakup. In other words, vascillating about if you want to be with someone or not who has terminated your relationship isn't sound, because that's not an option now. This person broke up with you, and as of right now, your relationship is over.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talldude90
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she also came back 8 hrs later saying she cant not be with me. its still up in the air but its our newly found sexual differences and opinions that are the issue.
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Heather
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Then she's not being fair, honestly, or acting with care and maturity.

If and when we want to break up with someone, the onus is on us to think about that, ideally to talk with that person about those feelings in advance, and if and when we do decide to do a breakup, to only do that when we're sure that's what we want.

Going back and forth with someone when it comes to that is just really uncool and pretty darn heartless.

I'll be honest again: unless she is coming back to you not only being pretty sorry for jerking you around like this, but also making clear she's going to start treating the person you are with more care and respect, I'd not advise stepping back into this. Look back at your first few posts here again: does that sound like a workable relationship to you? If you had a friend in the position you are, what would you advise them to do?

No matter what, I'd suggest a cooling-off period right now. She broke up with you: she made that choice. So, at the very least, I think you two need to take a week or two apart, without talking, and just sort out how you feel, then only talk AFTER that if you both still want to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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