posted
So I really like this guy and at a party a while ago we fooled around but didn't have intercourse because I told him that I'm not comfortable with casual sex at this point. He was completely fine with that but based on our conversation afterward, I felt like I gave him the impression that he was just a re-bound from my abusive ex (he doesn't know that my ex abusive but he's aware that there were bad circumstances surrounding our break-up, etc.). I later explained to him that he wasn't a rebound which he seemed happy to hear.
Anyway, after that we hung out once with a group of friends and on New Years Eve we kissed at midnight and fooled around more back at his place. The conversation about whether or not we were having sex went like so . . .
Him: So last time you said no emotional attachment, right? Me: Yes, but only because I assumed that that's what most guys want. Him: And it is . . . so do you want to? Me: Is it a good idea for me to be emotionally attached to you? Him: Well . . Me: You tell me. Him: I don't really know. But I do find you incredibly attractive.
*later*
Him: What exactly would constitute emotional attachment? Me: We'd have to be dating. Him. Ok
Basically, it was a casual hook-up sort of situation both times but the way he acted the next morning suggested to the contrary. Both times I planned to leave first thing in the morning (I didn't have to be anywhere, I just didn't want to overstay my welcome) but he asked me to stay and we snuggled, and made breakfast, and watched cartoons and stuff.
He just invited me to go to a concert with him. I'm not sure if this is a date or not. And if it is, I don't know if he's asking me out because he wants to go out with me or if he just wants to have sex with me. I don't especially mind his hesitance to start a relationship because right now I'm trying to be extra careful with myself and not rush into anything since I was still in an abusive relationship a mere four months ago. I really want it to work because I really like him, but at the same time if all he wants is casual sex I'll keep my eye out for someone else because I know that's an arrangement that I won't be happy with.
I don't know. What do you all think is going on here?
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Is this someone from your ex's circle of friends? If so, I'd be very wary. I think it all depends on the person and situation but based on your past interactions with these guys, I'd hesitate recommending dating any of them. (I hate to be a downer but I'm saying this from a place of care and I think that I would recommend taking a break from dating while you process the past abusive relationship for awhile. I know it's not so fun but I know from experience that it's very important to avoid getting in the same or a similar situation.) It's ultimately your decision but that's where I'm coming from. I do think it's good that you're reflecting upon it and questioning stuff-- it's a good sign, really. And if your gut is telling you something is up, heeding what it's saying is generally the right way to go.
(Btw, I have to respectfully disagree that "most" guys want "no emotional attachment" to people they're sexual with-- it really all depends on the individual guy, just like it all depends on the individual woman. )
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Hey, Ecofem Luckily, this guy is not in my ex's circle of friends. Infact, I'm pretty sure they've never met. But he knows who my ex is because the first time we met I was still with him. As far as I can tell, I don't think he'd be the type to get abusive because he doesn't go out of his way to intimidate people, isn't at all possesive or controlling, and doesn't act like he's entitled to anything from me. I don't know if this changes anything.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Actually, that does make a big difference. If he had been a friend of your ex, I'd say to avoid it; because he's not, I say proceed with caution. The whole bit about being careful about dating after having survived abuse applies (going slowly, looking for warning signs, listening to your gut, etc.) Technically those things apply to any relationship but they're especially true for people with abuse in their backgrounds.
It sounds like you both want what's happening right now, is that accurate? Hanging out as friends with some sexual activities going on? Are you willing to keep things this way or are you truly hoping for more, like a dating scenario? Because if so, then you may end up disappointed. I'd just ask him for clarification and encourage both of you to be as honest as possible. I think part of the trouble is that you're both sort of talking around things. From that convo, I'm really not sure myself. It's like with the "most guys" this and "most" that: just say what YOU want! I could read certain things into it or not, but asking --both yourself and him-- what you each want would be a good next step.
Here are some articles you may or may not already know. Why not share them with him and get his take? You don't have to be in a relationship to have those talks, of course! If the mere thought of discussing this stuff with you is a turn-off to him, then I'd write him off as a no. But if you do get a chance to chat, I think they'll help a lot.
[Let me know if any of those don't work: the site's being updated and sometimes stuff might get lost in the shuffle due a technical glitch. ]
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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