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Author Topic: Ladies, If a guy wants to date your friend...
HumanTeddyBear
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Member # 34046

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So, you recently introduce a male friend of yours to one of the best friends you've had since high school. They hit it off one night at a party. One of your male friend's buddies asks you about your good friend and says your male friend is very interested. He wonders if you'd be willing to help him out.
I have the following questions. Keep in mind, you're friends with both parties but much closer to the female:

-Seriously ladies, what goes through your mind when something like this happens? How do you feel?
-Do you mind such requests?
-Do you tell your female friend that a guy is interested or do you just let him do that himself and see what happens?
-If he wants you to talk him up do you do so? How exactly do you talk him up? Do you just say he's a nice guy and hope for the best?
-Would you lie to your male friend and give him false hope?
-Does it bother you when guys do stuff like this?
-Does it bother you if the guy keeps asking about her or keeps giving updates on the situation?
-Do you ever feel like you're betraying your female friend's trust if you don't tell her the guy is interested?
-Do you ever fear like you're betraying your male friend's trust if you don't tell him EXACTLY how your friend feels about him?

I know none of these have cut and dry answers I just want as many opinions as possible. You don't have to answer every single question either. Just give me a general opinion.

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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If I understand correctly, you are asking this in relation to your most recent thread on the girl you met at a party? If so, I feel like you are really over-thinking things. Dating shouldn't be this complicated or produce such extreme anxiety. You talked before about wanting to get some therapy to help you cope with relationship issues in general (and specifically related to a friend you'd had feelings for). Did you ever look into that some more? I think counseling might be beneficial for you in letting go of some of this anxiety you have surrounding dating and relationships. How do you feel about that?

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HumanTeddyBear
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I don't have anxiety I'm just curious.

As far as the issue with my friend goes. I don't think I need counseling at the moment because a) my family doesn't have the money and b) I'm actively pursuing another woman. I cannot emphasize how much we just clicked at that party. I'm not saying anything's guaranteed. I'm not saying I'm over my friend by any means (though I do feel a lot less pain right now). I'm not saying this is even the right way to do things. All I'm saying is, I think pursuing someone I had chemistry with and showed interest in me at a party is a healthier choice than coming on here and constantly complaining about someone who will never love me the way I love them.

I only wanted to go into therapy because of that one situation not relationship anxiety in general. Again, back to the thread at hand. What's the big problem? I'm just curious about a few things because asking female friends to help you out is not one of my areas of expertise. I'm not anxious at all. This whole process may take a long time because, as mentioned in the previous thread, she recently got out of a long relationship. To be honest, i've got nothing but patience right now. Does that sound like anxiety to you?

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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A possible transcript for such a discussion with a friend, regardless of gender:

Friend: Hey, you know how we met those old friends of yours at Lindsey's party last week?
Me: Yeah, it was nice seeing them again, especially Taylor.
Friend: Exactly! Actually, I wanted to ask about Taylor. I think Taylor's pretty neat and I was wondering...
Me: Oh, do you like Taylor? You mean, as a friend or more of a date?
Friend: Yeah, is Taylor seeing anyone right now... what do you think...
Me: Actually, Taylor mentioned you last night on Facebook... OR Well, actually... etc.

-------------------

I've always been able to have these sorts of conversations with my friends. I don't like the idea of playing "matchmaker" but my friends and I are pretty candid when it comes to talking about sex and relationships, so it'd be very natural.

If you're not having those types of conversations and don't feel comfortable doing so, I'd start exploring that. Do you not know them very well, like are they more casual friendships? Do you all try to help/encourage/etc. each other with your dating lives (if that's something you're interested in?) If they talk about dates amongst themselves but not you, like that they're not already suggesting dating possibilities for friends, then chances are there is a reason for it.

While it may not feel super comfortable, honest feedback from caring friends can be some of the best critics. If I were somehow putting people off, or if my friends liked me as a person but not as someone they'd encourage mutual friends to date, I'd want to hear them out. Sometimes it's simply a personality difference but sometimes it's something about our behavior that we don't even realize. A Sexpert Advice article along these lines to check out would be: Why is one group of women so different than another when it comes to interest in sex?

Something I also would like to point out that I've noticed in your posts is how you, surely unintentionally, dis those of us who choose to spend some of our precious free-time here at the boards. Whether it's because we are volunteering, we have questions or just like being part of the community, we're glad to be here. You're welcome, of course, but if you're sticking around when you feel there's a "healthier choice" out there for you, then go for it! [Smile]

Good luck!

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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