posted
okay.. so i went to india with a good friend and her family.. and i sorta fell in love with her relative... and he's really great.. i've never been in a relationship before so i wanted be completely honest with him... and we told each other everything.. and we're trying to work things out and he's trying to come here (it's been about 5months since our trip) .. But when we were in india.. he accidentally touched my friend one night... and i surprised, shocked and a little in denial.. so i confronted him about it.. and he apologized to her and they talked.. so i thought things were okay.. until we came back home.. and me and my friend didn't talk for a month.. i knew she wasn't okay with it.. but i didn't want to talk to her about him and hurt her more.. so i asked him to talk to her.. so they talked and they're okay now.. but i'm worried that my friend isn't telling the truth to me.. and i don't wanna lose her friendship.. but i want her to be okay with us being together.. and she said she is.. but still.. am i being a good friend if i'm dating someone that hurt her? i don't want her to blame herself for what happened.. cuz it's not her fault.. and i wish it never happened.. and i kinda just wanna forget it all happened and move on, but i feel like the guilt might stay with me forever.. any advice?
-------------------- i wanna live i wanna give i've been a miner for a heart of gold.. <3 Posts: 3 | From: alberta, canada | Registered: Nov 2009
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Hi heartofgold. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "he accidentally touched my friend one night." I feel like this is a pretty important part of what's going on, so could you explain a bit more what happened? Was this a sexual assault? How is your friend feeling?
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2435 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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mm.. well i don't know exactly what happened cuz my friend doesn't really wanna talk about it much.. so its hard to understand how bad it was.. from what she told me.. it sounded like he was feeling her up when they were sleeping.. just with his hands.. nothing more.. but i know it's hard for her to just forget that.. she might say she's okay with it now.. because he's still there.. but if she has to see him face to face again.. i'm worried all those emotions might come back and bug her.. =/ i offered to take her to see a counselor or something, because i feel like although im a friend and i can listen to her problems, my opinion is biased and i'm not really sure how to deal with this situation.. cuz technically she was molested by a relative.. i don't know what advice i can give her.. like i feel like our friendship is strained and it'll never be the same as before =(
-------------------- i wanna live i wanna give i've been a miner for a heart of gold.. <3 Posts: 3 | From: alberta, canada | Registered: Nov 2009
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Personally, I'd simply never be closely involved with anyone who I knew raped or molested someone else. Period, full-stop, never-ever.
That's certainly an ever huger issue than it already is if that person did so to your close friend, but it's also just about your own safety. On the whole, people who have abused others will tend to do it again, especially if those people do not a) acknowledge they have been abusive and b) get therapy to unlearn abusive patterns.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • S.E.X: Get my book! Knowledge is power. Information is power. The secreting or hoarding of knowledge or information may be an act of tyranny camouflaged as humility. - Robin Morgan Posts: 39809 | From: Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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well, the fact that i confronted him about it.. and made him apologize.. i think helped a little bit.. i know he is sorry.. and he wishes it didn't happen either.. but in regards to my safety.. since we're in a relationship.. i don't feel like i have to worry.. because he cares about me.. and i could have stopped talking to him and everything.. but i forgave him.. crazy as it sounds.. and he knows what he did was wrong and it was an accident.. also my friend didn't want to tell me right away what happened.. i had to drag it out of her.. so when she told me.. i was already falling for him.. so it's complicated... since we all settled things it's been okay.. but i feel like i need some kind of closure.. even though it didn't involve me directly.. ahh i dunno.. =S. i just felt like i had to give him a chance... but i dunno.. am i making the right choice? if it ever happened in the future that would be the end of it.. but i don't want to think like that..
-------------------- i wanna live i wanna give i've been a miner for a heart of gold.. <3 Posts: 3 | From: alberta, canada | Registered: Nov 2009
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When someone is truly sorry for committing a rape, they don't offer cheap apologies; they turn themselves in to the police. The cold hard truth is that rapists just don't rape once; they rape over and over and over again until they get caught and put in jail, and then when they get out of jail, they rape again. If he raped a relative, it's more than likely he'd do the same to an intimate partner. I know that's not what you want to hear and it's not what you are hoping for, but that's just the reality of the situation.
Sometimes we meet people and they seem really great, and as we get to know them we find out things about them that are not so great. Sometimes it's something minor, like they don't care for the same type of cheese as you. Sometimes, it's something pretty huge, like they committed an act of violence on someone. I understand that when you have feelings for someone it's hard to let go, but this isn't about not liking the same cheese or the same movies. It's about him committing a big and serious crime.
I also want to call attention to something you said in your first post. You called what happened an "accident." Thing is, rape is never an accident. It's an action that's done intentionally. People just don't commit those kinds of accidents. It's not like dropping the cake you just made on the floor or losing your sister's earrings; it's rape. I'm assuming, however, that you are terming it an accident because someone suggested it was one, and I'm going to guess that someone was him. It's pretty classic for an abuser or a rapist to say that what they did was accidental, but we know that just isn't true. They say it's an accident because they want to take the blame away from themselves and make it seem like it's not a big deal, but it is a big deal, and it sounds like it has really hurt your friend.
I want to toss a couple of articles your way about rape because I hope that reading about it in detail will help you in deciding the best course of action here. The articles are geared toward male audiences, but they can really apply to everyone who in some way enables rape (and dating someone you know to be a rapist does enable rape). What is rape, and what is it like to be raped? What more can we do to stop rape?
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2435 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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quote:since we're in a relationship.. i don't feel like i have to worry.
I want to make it very clear to you that being in a relationship in no way is a guarantee that he won't do the same thing to you at some point. Afterall, he did something terrible to a relative, someone who he should have concern for.
As someone who was raped by a boyfriend, I really want you to understand that many, many men rape their girlfriends and wives. It really does happen all the time. You already know this individual is unsafe, and I strongly advise you to simply end the relationship now.
Also, I'm concerned about your friend here. I do not believe you can be a good, supportive friend and date someone who has molested her, even if she says she's okay with it. I just don't believe that's true. So, if you want to preserve your friendship and support her through something that is definitely quite difficult, that's another reason to end this relationship.
Posts: 1247 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008
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Perhaps one of the simplest ways of addressing this may just be to put the shoe on the other foot: if YOU were in your friends position, and she yours, how do you think you'd feel?
(And by the way, I don't want to add it now, because we've already said a lot, but I was in a not-dissimilar situation with a friend when I was in my teens, with my being the friend who got treated badly by a guy my best friend later dated, so if you want to hear a version of that side of the story, I'd be glad to share.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • S.E.X: Get my book! Knowledge is power. Information is power. The secreting or hoarding of knowledge or information may be an act of tyranny camouflaged as humility. - Robin Morgan Posts: 39809 | From: Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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