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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » reassurance?

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Author Topic: reassurance?
12redtulips
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I feel really nervous about my relationship right now, because I'm constantly worried that my boyfriend is going to leave me for another girl.
We've been together for 2 years, and have just started college together (we went to different high schools). Back at home, I never had any problems with jealousy or this kind of fear in our relationship, but now that I've gotten to college and he's meeting a lot of girls all the time, its really beginning to scare me.

I think the problem might be from several things relating to starting in college. Firstly, we started having sex about 3 weeks after getting to college. And I think that makes me feel a bit more vulnerable, because now I've invested something significant in the relationship. I told him, before having sex, that I was scared that he would leave me, and he reassured me about it at the time. But now I'm back to feeling awkward and scared again.

I think the bigger reason for this has to do with my problems in college. Back in high school, I had some activities that I was in (honor societies, job, clubs, etc), and I felt very successful and knew who I was. But here I've been really unsuccessful in finding things that I want to participate in. I ran for student council and lost, applied to be a student blogger for admissions and didn't get it, and am now only in 1 real club. Also, I'm having a lot of problems meeting/making friends here. My roommate doesn't like me--the other night I heard her complaining about me to her sister over the phone. And I have only 2 legitimate friends from high school, making things VERY lonely on my end. Just overall, I feel like I have no accomplishments. I feel pretty crappy about myself almost all of the time now, because all I do is sit in my room and study.

So, all of my failures in college have kind of led to me feel like there’s no reason for my boyfriend to date me. Back in high school, I didn’t feel nervous about the possibility that he would date someone else, because I felt confident in myself and could see why he wanted to date me. But now I feel like I’ve completely lost my identity, and I also have a sense of worthlessness a lot of the time.

I think that what I really need from my boyfriend right now is reassurance about what he likes in me. He has been much more successful in transitioning to college than I have, and I just feel like I would really appreciate some of his attention to help me become more assure of myself. In the past I’ve had my friends to do this, but now I kind of don’t (my 2 friends are not so close to me as I would feel comfortable telling them). I’ve done many things in attempts to restore my confidence in the relationship. I’ve told him about how I’m feeling (that I’m worried he’s going to leave me), and have even asked him outright why he likes me. The first just gets a, “don’t’ worry about it, I’m not going to leave you” and the latter just gets a string of generic traits mixed in with a bunch of “um”s and “I don’t know”s.

How do I get over this problem? I want to have some confidence in my relationship again, but I feel like that’s not going to happen unless I start getting more support from my boyfriend. I’ve been getting kind of resentful towards him lately because I have always given him all of my attention and support in our relationship, and I don’t really appreciate the fact that now it seems like he can barely be bothered to spend time with me. Should I try to tell him that I need more support from him? But, I kind of feel like I’ve already done that. Advice would be good, thanks ☺

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marigold
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hi,
I don't know when college starts in the US, but where I live, it has started less than 3 weeks ago. Which means (and sorry, if this doesn't apply to you, but my experience shows, that) there wasn't at all enough time to figure out what the possibilities are, how the different groups behave and who do you want to be friends with, which ones of the activities are worth your time... you just got thrown into the middle of a whole new life - maybe you should be more patient with the development of things.

Also sometimes changing the scene of one's life, moving out, getting in a whole differnet place - is an occasion to figure out who one really want to be, play with different personalities etc. And all this might need time. So maybe right now it isn't like high school, but try to use this interlude as an opportunity (again, sorry, if I'm speaking unrelevant things for you here).

And while I might have my own problems in the field, people sometimes say, that real friends doesn't grow on trees - don't get depressed just because you hadn't find your future best friends in just 3 weeks! How many people are in your campus, after all? [Smile]

Take your time, and don't get into a downward spiral! Don't convince yourself, that you're a failure! After all, you're the very same person, who did all that cool stuff in high school, with the same qualities. The biggest problem in the way of getting a richer social life might be this very stress.

And, while as a nerd I might be biased in this, I think, that while being outgoing and sociable and active are important qualities, there are more to a person's value, than those. Your worth exists even when noone knows about it (and right now you're far from this "noone"). In this site I'm sure I have read about getting some time out healthily even from dating, so using your time well when you doesn't have that many friends yet might also be a healthy thing [while I DO know, why being lonely sucks].

And the roommate's opinion is just not relevant - if she has some concrete problems, like the management of the room, cleaning etc - go resolve it, but who is she to interfere with your self-esteem?

I'm leaving to answer the boyfriend-part to others, but this part might be fundamental even for that. Or he might have his own faults regardless of your fears. Who knows.

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marigold
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looook! it's for you! a topic on beginning university

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/9/t/001357.html

"As for making close friends, I think that is something that happens over time. I felt I had a lot of aquaintences my first year old university but it wasn't until my second that I really felt I had some close friends. Plus, you'll probably meet more people and see groups shift as you do more; for example, once you choose your major, you might have some particularly close friends you study with. "

and moving out, in general.

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/9/t/001357.html

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Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
12redtulips
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Thanks for the help [Smile]
We started school about 2 months ago, and I feel very left out because everyone I know seems to have found a group of friends. I seem to be the only one still having to get meals by myself or not having anyone to parties/football games/whatever with on weekends.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think sometimes our perceptions of being the "odd one out" may not always be accurate.

I'd say that, in general, any time we move to a new community, be that school, a job and/or a place to live, something like a six-month window until we really start to get integrated is pretty normal. And I've certainly had longer times than that. For instance, some cities are tougher to break into than others, and both the last two cities I lived in (Minneapolis and Seattle) are notorious for being socially standoffish. I didn't really feel intergrated in Mpls for three freaking years.

Mind, I work mostly from home, which makes it a lot tougher, but the point is that 2 months somewhere is still very new, and you are very likely not the only person feeling like an outside: it just may look that way from your perspective.

The folks you know who have found groups they like: might you not just include yourself in some of those groups via those people?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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12redtulips
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Well, I'll try to be patient on the meeting people
but my bigger problem is that I'm really bothered by the fact that my boyfriend is going out and meeting lots of girls all of the time. I feel like there's no reason for him not to just stop dating me because there are so many girls here who are smarter, nicer, and prettier than me.
I've tried talking to him about this, but nothing seems to make me feel better.

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Heather
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Oh, how to say this. [Smile]

Here's the thing: unless people we're partnered with stay hidden under a rock, they are pretty much ALWAYS going to be exposed to other potential partners. And I don't think it's an especially comforting thought to think a partner is staying with us because they just don't have other opportunities or possibilities, you know?

When people choose to partner with a given person, it is generally both because they COULD, and because, for them, at whatever time and place in their lives they are in, that person meets their wants and needs.

Can that change? Of course it can, for either or both people. And that changing in the teens and twenties is far more likely than later in life. That's just the way it is, and that's the biggest reason why most younger relationships don't often have the same kind of tenure as relationships do later in life.

I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, and I certainly don't intend to make you feel worse. But the point is, this stuff IS just how it is in life and partnership, and there's no escaping that.

However, you also have to remember that your opinion of yourself isn't always the same opinion a partner has of you AND that a low opinion of yourself is probably more likely to louse up your life and relationships than, say, a partner meeting other people with whom he or she could date.

So, it sounds to me like ultimately, you need some good jolts to your own esteem, not just for your relationship, but for your own well-being. In terms of how things are at school, have you yet joined any groups, clubs or organizations in alignment with your own interests yet? Those might be a very good place to start, both to remind yourself of how cool and interesting you are AND to meet more people.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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12redtulips
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I've joined a couple of clubs, but to be entirely honest, there isn't a lot that interests me. I go to a kind of large school that has a lot of clubs. But when I attended the activities fair, there wasn't a whole lot of things that took my interest. I just haven't really felt like I'm able to make the time commitment to much lately. Plus, my failures in certain areas of activities (like losing the student council elections and not being chosen as the student blogger) kind of discouraged me from going after things
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, how about causes or volunteer organizations/groups? Where is your heart in terms of ways who you are can help others?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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