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Author Topic: Dating older people
cool87
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What makes some people attracted to people who are older than them or younger ?

Is this healthy ?

I feel really bad for feeling this way and feel disgusted but I'm sometimes still attracted to men who are like maybe 10 years older than me or so and I have troubles knowing why that's happening after what I went through.

I think it's sick for me to feel that way.

[ 05-13-2009, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, you can certainly reference all the existing posts and material we have on your first two questions here at the site. I'm not sure what else to say on those that hasn't been said on site a lot of times already.

Mind, people feel how they feel. There's no choice in that. However, you did get to choose, actively, who you date based on what you're comfortable with.

That said, an adult who abuses doesn't abuse because of their age, and many adults the same age as an abuser may have been are not that age. Age is no more an indicator of who will abuse than race is.

As well, you probably are attracted to people who have other things in common with the person who abused you, be that gender, race, the color of their hair or eyes, you name it. Do you feel it's sick for you to be attracted to anyone male because your abuser was male? Or if your abuser had brown hair, would it make it sick for you to be attracted to people with brown hair?

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cool87
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Nope, I just don't feel comfortable being attracted to older people just as I am not comfortable much with older people dating younger people. It's weird to say.

It's often about me wanting to prove myself that things don't always go the same way, that not all older men abuse, and hence sometimes ending up in the same boat again.

[ 05-13-2009, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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So, you know you don't find you have a good dynamic with older people per dating, and that you feel less comfortable with them and like your motivation to date them isn't sound.

The solution then, is pretty simple: don't date'em. [Smile] Seriously.

Being attracted to older people isn't something with any impact: those are feelings, not actions or relationships.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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I guess, this is just not as easy as this sounds. I'm currently in one.

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Heather
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Know what, though?

It really IS as easy as it sounds, because you had a choice about pursuing this relationship and if in it now, choose to stay in it. It's not something that happened to you, but something you chose and choose. As well, you chose this knowing how you felt about it (and for some time: you've voiced this issue for a long time now), but obviously ignored your own feelings in that regard.

By all means, and as I've mentioned to you many times before, if you feel like you can't control your own impulses, and/or can't make good choices for yourself in relationships, then you need to seek out and commit to some sound in-person help with that and put a kibbosh on dating until you have made real improvements with that help.

But if that's not something you'll do, ultimately, there's little we can do because we can't very well keep a user from taking the actions they do in their lives or keep them from choosing relationships they don't want or feel aren't good for them. So, I'm not sure what else we can do for you here in regard to this. If you don't like the choices you're making, you simply need to stop making them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mojango
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I am attracted to older women, I mean not much older, but still older.I'm 20 so keep that in mind. But the thing is what attracts me is their maturity. The ones I am attracted to are good looking and know what they are doing and I know they have their stuff together, compared to my counterparts at my age level and I feel like I am slightly more mature in my mindset.

Do you know exactly what attracts you to older men, other than the fact they are older?

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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cool87
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I know I keep hurting myself willingly, as bad as it sounds and it's only in my power to change that.

I'll try to think about what you said once again okay, reaching for help and ending this not so healthy relationship.

I just wish I hadn't brought this up again.

Thanks for just being here and offering me some support. I appreciate it. [Smile]

[ 05-13-2009, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Ecofem
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Hey Cool!

Just reading this now. [Smile] Sorry to hear you're in a tough situation... yeah, I think we sometimes find ourselves stuck in a place we wish we weren't and tried to avoid... it's too bad but ok once you take action. So, now that you've realized that this relationship isn't the best for you at this time, it sounds like you know ending it is the right decision. (Hey, after all, sometimes it can take a different person's perspective to help us realize it ourselves.) Good luck!

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cool87
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Thanks.

I'd prefer to just end the convo right there. I don't deserve any of your help until I choose to help myself.

This isn't fair for me to ask you to help me when I choose to not do anything with that help and follow what you suggested. It feels like a loss of time and leaves you feeling powerless and drains your energy and nobody wants to feel like that and I understand.

I also hear that people have limits and their own boundaries and I get it when they need to step out and feel like it's enough. I think that's a good thing that they choose to respect themselves. I really respect that and just wish it would come easier to me.

Too, I hear that I can't always rely on you guys to help me with my stuff cause they're just so much you can do. You're not the best persons for that and I really understand and I realize that more so now.

In a way maybe that is your own way of helping me, by not having people to reach out here, I'm more likely to reach out for outside help. I get your reasonning and it makes sense. Possibly, that's your own way of saying that you care.

[ 05-13-2009, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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