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Author Topic: Fair?
rockonnn2
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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have lived with each other for 2 and have a dog together. He is 26. I am 25. Overall, we've had a great relationship and lately things have been sooo wonderful. So wonderful it was almost too perfect.... Boy was I right. On Friday he broke the news that he wants to be single and find himself and be independent...He says he thinks I'm amazing, he loves me and cares for me so much, but he has never been single because he has jumped from relationship to relationship. He says he doesnt know if I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life and thats another thing he has to figure out...

I asked him and he says it has nothing to do with being with anyone else, and maybe after I move out after a couple months he might miss me so much that he would want me to come back...I dont understand if he has something so wonderful with me then why he would want to let me go?

How is it fair that I lose my love, my life, my home and my independence (i have to go back to my parents) so he can probably be doing the same thing he was doing when I was here, but alone..Honestly to me, the only difference is he will be able to bring girls in our home...

When we went out to eat the other night there was an older couple sitting next to us and he looks at them, and looks at me and says he hopes we end up like that old and gray and happy...how does this make sense?

I'm heartbroken and dont know what to do. I love him so much, and this was such a shock. I would understand more if we were arguing a lot or fighting non-stop. But when things are going great, why would you want to lose a good thing? For now I'm still living here for another week or so, because I had surgery on Thursday (lol he broke the news to me on Friday, how compassionate) so I cant do too much right now..

I didnt want a big fight or an i hate you kinda breakup, so we have been ok and been sleeping in the same bed and he still kisses me goodbye and tells me he loves me....Most of the stuff in the house is mine. I dont know if he realizes how bare this place is going to be....

Does anyone understand this, or have this happened to you before? What do you think of his actions, or what do you think he is really doing? How can everything be wonderful one minute and I lose everything the next?

[ 04-13-2009, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: rockonnn2 ]

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cool87
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From what I can gather here, your partner is not talking about a break up but rather about you two parting for a while so that he can reflect on his life and figure out if this relationship is the right thing for him at this point of his life on top of other things. Sometimes, it helps and it is easier to just do that outside of the context of a relationship.

Just know, that this is NOT about you (in fact, he's told you that he loves you and care for you), but about him needing time, outside of the context of a relationship, to figure out some things. It's not necessarily linked to something that happened in your relationship, this might just be something that he has thought about now, for whatever reason. This might also have been something he's been thinking about for a while and that he has decided to act on just now.

Sometimes, when we go from one relationship to the next, without taking any break in between, we don't have time to think if that's really what we want and are ready for, if that's really something that feels right for us at this time more than staying single when the later is not something we've really had the chance to experience because we've jumped from one relationship to the next and never had some downtime.

Maybe he wants to experience something different for a while to see how it feels, if being totally independant and single is something that would feel better for him.

To me, it sounds as if he needs that time, that this is a boundary of his and I don't think there is much that you can do to change that other than to respect that and giving him the time he needs.

You could have a talk about all of that though, that's something I'd suggest doing to ease some of your worries and to understand the whole situation better from his own perspective. But I think, that in the end, it is for the best. I personally wouldn't want to be with a partner who isn't sure a relationship with me is the best thing right now for him, I'd probably want to give the relationship a break to give him some time to figure this all out.

Maybe he's still open to the possibility of you two still seeing each other, for you both to meet up once in a while, that might be something to talk about. Too, maybe there are ways to make the transition smoother. Even though this might feel like it, it doesn't sound to me like he's wanting you to totally disappear from his life from one day to the next. It also does not have to be about you leaving the home already tomorrow. Maybe that is something he's told you right now so that you have some time to get used to the idea before this happens.

It's for sure going to be a change but it's one you are probably going to adapt to over time. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. While you might not find something positive about all this, with time you might and this might just end up being a good opportunity for you.

[ 04-13-2009, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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orca
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Can I ask, though, why it is you have to move out, and in only a week? From what I understand, one month to move out tends to be pretty standard in most housing contracts. Whose name is on the lease?

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Johann7
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I'll second cool87's advice, and here's my own two cents:

Your boyfriend is 26 and in a three-year relationship with you that he's considering as a possible candidate for lifelong commitment. You guys are right smack in the middle of the bell-curve for when people first get married here in the states, and it can be a major adjustment to change one's mindset from one of go-with-the-flow dating to one of lifelong commitment; I would guess (with no info other than your post, this is not a very well-informed guess) that he's being up-front about his needs and that he really feels he just needs a little time to decide this is what he really wants for the rest of his life. People don't always realize it until they have something for immediate comparison, but co-habitation can be stressful (in both good ways and bad) and it seems like he just wants to re-assure himself that life with you is much better than life without.

From your message, it doesn't sound like there's anything preventing you two from continuing to see each other as friends or even non-exclusive dating partners while he figures out the direction in which he wants to take his life. If your relationship is as solid as you say and he's as in to you as you are in to him (and he says he is), then you'll still love each other just as much in six months or a year as you do now (and if you don't, then the relationship isn't going to last anyway...).

You state "How is it fair that I lose my love, my life, my home and my independence (i have to go back to my parents)," so I'm going to assume you don't have a job, or at least not one with which you can support yourself; get out there and find one! YOU can use this as an opportunity to strike out on your own for a bit as well, and make sure this relationship is really what YOU want for the foreseeable future.

Obviously you need to talk all this out with him, but it's certainly possible to approach this not as a break-up but just a break, with the intention of seeing where you both are in six months, a year, whatever and moving back in together if that's what you both want. I would definitely urge you to discuss how you feel, without any intention of STOPPING him from "leaving", as that is more likely to make him resent you and may make it more difficult to continue your relationship down the road. You guys need to talk more, since it's unclear whether he actually WANTS to break-up with you or just sees that as the only way he can have a bit more space and independence for a while. Be clear, direct, and non-judgmental; it might also help to sit down yourself before you discuss this and examine exactly how you feel about him, your relationship, and your future in order to better know and understand your own mind and heart.

Best wishes.

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rockonnn2
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Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate you all.

Thing is I have talked with him. I'm a firm believer in communication. He says he wants to be single to find himself and figure out if he is still in love with me. For some reason he doesn’t want to really date me or see me. He says I can call and text message anytime. I don’t understand if he loves me and cares for me why he would want me out of the apartment so quickly?????

I've caught him text messaging another girl before, so that’s why my thoughts are so negative that he doesn't only wants to be single to find himself and possibly wants to see or sleep with other people...even though he says that’s not what its about….Its hard to believe because he isn’t an ugly guy. He's very outgoing, and has an amazing personality and is very handsome. He has a lot going for him...

Everything just seems so quick. I wasn’t expecting any of this to happen because things have been great…

To answer your question Johann7 I do have a job. I’m a Health Advisor at Insurance Company….but I have a lot of bills to take care of so the fact that we were splitting everything was perfect for both our situation.

He wanted to pay me so he could keep the dog. I told him its not that easy. We both raised him and I love our dog…I told him that we should do a joint custody thing, and he said he thinks that’s stupid because he wants his independence. How does that make sense? I finally made him see that it wasn’t stupid, and so we will share the dog for now until he figures out himself…

I will allow his time. I Just don’t understand his reasoning, mainly because he isn’t giving me one. He is just saying that he wants to live alone to gain independence…I ask numerous questions and I get I don’t know for half of them. So believe me I am talking and asking but I get no where…so for me to get no answers to my legitimate questions is the reason I’m having a hard time understanding this whole situation………

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atm1
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I'm still curious whose name is on the lease. If both of your names are, it's entirely fair for you to ask him to move out, as well, and for you to find another roommate to offset costs.

You're right that it really isn't fair to kick someone out of their home so quickly.

Also, the fact that he thought that he could just pay you to keep your dog, that you both love, seems really cold and insensitive to me. I don't see how sharing the dog gets in the way of his independence, and I'm sorry that he seems to have so little respect for your feelings right now.

That said, BECAUSE he has so little respect for your feelings right now, it does seem like you should get some space from him. No matter how you slice it, living together right now doesn't seem to be good for either of you.

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rockonnn2
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To answer your question atm1. There is no lease. He bought the home. Its a duplex. We were going to buy together, then I backed out in case something like this ever happened....
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atm1
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We'll, since it's something he purchased, if you have been helping with mortgage payments and your relationship does end, you are entirely within your rights to ask for the money that you have spent on the house back.

BUT, I think being apart could give you needed time to reflect on whether or not you really do want to be with someone who would treat you this way. I do think there's a chance that things could work out, but I'd say it would be reasonable for you to ask for an apology for the way he's demanding you move out right now.

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rockonnn2
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So I've talked more with my boyfriend or x-boyfriend..i dont even know how I would address him...He says he needs time to figure out if I'm the one and hopes that we end up back together in the long run. He wants to think about his life and make sure that he's settling down with the right person (me). So he says he still loves and cares for me but needs this time.

But I dont understand if you love and care for someone, dont you know what you want? If you would want a future with them or not? Why would I have to leave for him to appreciate me or see if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me?

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rockonnn2
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I need help with what he is thinking...here is kinda a recap and what has been happening...Its been a week since I've moved out...My 26 y/o boyfriend that I dated for 3 years and lived with for 2 just broke up with me bc he says he's never been single and wants to be independent and grow. Then maybe he would want to get back together w. me. He says its not about seeing or being with other girls bc he is committed to me and if his feelings change he will let me know. While we were together he lied a lot and found some emails that were totally unacceptable. I forgave him and decided to move on with him and things were going great with us when he broke the devestating news.

He texted me the other night saying that he knew I was going to be the one to get over the relationship quicker (how is that possible when he is the one that broke MY heart?) and he says its not about other girls, but I found a message on his myspace from some girl that said "thank you for last night, it was very fun and interesting.."yikes"... and they should go out to dinner later that night."

So I'm confused if he wants to see other girls and mess around why he has to lie about not doing that and that he loves me and all this other bull...He says he would tell me if he even kisses a girl or anything, but its clear by that other girls message i found that he has already done that...So why is he trying to tell me he loves me and everything when he is the one who broke up with me? I'm so confused? Its messing with my heart big time...

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rockonnn2
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PS: he did text me sunday that he misses me, but part of me thinks he wants to hold on to me and the other thinks he still wants to fool around with other girls until he had his share, then come back to me? I dunno...so im so confused and hurting big time. I feel like part of me has died....
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Alatariel
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It sounds to me like he's trying to have his cake and eat it , too. He doesn't want to see you or date you, but he wants to text you and have you call him. To me, it would seem that he's trying to keep you attached to him and in limbo while he has the opportunity to "be single" - whatever that means to him - and possibly see other people. Perhaps you should tell him that, if he wants to be single for a while, then you should make it a clean break. Don't burn any bridges, don't turn it into a breakup where you fight and say hurtful things that make you not want to see each other. Keep it friendly, but he shouldn't be texting you about how he loves you and misses you and trying to keep you with him when he isn't with you.

If he's set on this break, I would suggest taking an actual break - no phone calls and "I love you" text messages, especially if he's not willing to see you in person - and then get back in contact in a few months, or however long he thinks that he needs. If things work out then, great, but you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for him - love life or otherwise - because he "needs to be single". You go out an be single too, and if you two are meant to be together and he's still the one for you, and you the one for him, after this break, then you'll get back together once he has his stuff together, if you haven't already moved on.

[ 05-12-2009, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Alatariel ]

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rockonnn2
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Well...I'm back. 6 wks after he broke up with me, we started seeing each other again. And I was there for him and his family during a really rough time and it made him realize that he wanted to work on things and that his family loves me and he loves me and realize what he lost. So we started hanging out again, did a lot of fun things together. I thought the relationship was going really well. We had an awesome summer together and a really great x-mas. He got me a lot of sentimental things.

He kept asking me to move back and I told him I would in time. He didnt understand why I wouldnt. I told him that after everything that happened it will take time. I was nervous because I didnt want to move back and the same thing happen again.

So, 2 months ago I decided to move back in completely. I bought a lot of things to redecorate and bought new beautiful furniature pieces and painted the kitchen and living room. I did a lot. And he also got me flowers that said how amazing I am and how much he loves me.

His father recently moved to texas because he bought a business there and his dad was flying back n forth between home and texas because my boyfriend and my boyfriends mother. So they surprised my boyfriend with a plane ticket to go see his dad to check out texas and where he lives and where they would eventually end up living permanetely. My boyfriend got me really hyped up to eventually move there in a year. Saying he was excited to move to a different state (we live in NY) and how fun it would be to travel and do little road trips and explore a new city. So he went to Texas april 8-12, and when he came back he started acting shady and kind of cold but that was on and off. I asked him several times what was wrong and he said nothing. I told him anytime he wants to talk about anything I am here to listen. During that time we did have some fun to. Went to dinner and a casino and he was very huggie and lovie saying he loved me.

Then April 26 he started being really shady to me before he left for work. I asked what was wrong and again he said nothing. So later that day he came at me and told me that he was not IN love with me, he doesnt see a future with me and he doesnt want to hide his misery any longer. I was BLOWN away. I cant even describe to you how I felt. It was like I was in a time warp from him dumping me the exact same time last year. I asked him why he DID NOT COMMUNICATE ANYTHING to be prior to this, and he said he was having doubts for awhile but wasnt sure on his feelings. I told him he should have came to me and expressed any concerns he was having with the relationship. I also didnt understand why he had me move back if he was having any kind of doubts. He said it was his way to try and make it work. Which makes no sense to me. So again I am heartbroken and torn. I cannot wrap my brain around any of this.

He also told me he was petrified to have sex with me because he didnt want to get me preg. I said that MAKES ZERO sense because we had sex right before he left for Texas, it was only when he got back from Texas is when he started acting weird. I know he didnt cheat on me or anything in Texas because he was only there for 4 days and he was with his Dad the whole time because he doesnt know anyone else.

He had me move out last weekend and he was so mean to me. He said he loves me and cares for me, but he was SOOOOOOO mean like I was this horrible person he couldnt stand. I dont understand any of this. I am so confused. I dont know how to handle my emotions and am left with a broken heart again! Twice in one year is really insane to go through. Especially when you think everything is okay. I do have trust issues because of things he pulled with me prior to all this, and I was working on that, but I really dont know how I'm supposed to trust again? I mean I did soooooooo much for him. I was always there for him when he needed me and did everything I could to support him and what he wanted to do.

Can anyone make sense of this or am I just going crazy? How can someone just shut you out for so long and make things seem amazing 2 months ago and then 2 months later act totally different? I dont get it? I need all the help I can get.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and trying to help. It really hurts and I'm just looking for something to grab onto because I cannot wrap my head around this. I am so numb.

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Heather
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I agree, twice in one year of this is a LOT to go through: I'm so sorry you have gone through this.

It's hard to know what to say, here. I don't think it makes sense for us to try and make sense of this, mostly because it's over. I think the wiser tactic would to be focusing on what you need to do to grieve and then heal, and then figure out what you can takeaway from this to better protect your heart and yourself in the future.

Before I say some of the things I am about to, please know I am NOT saying them to suggest this is your fault, you deserved any of this, etc. I'm saying what I am as things to consider as you're healing so that hopefully the least you get from this is some learning that will help you better avoid this kind of situation again.

For instance, doing absolutely everything for someone, trying to be someone's everything, doing everything someone else wants aren't emotionally healthy, nor will a healthy relationship involve either person doing that. In healthy relationships, we're generous with each other, for sure, but no one should be sacrificing everything, especially who they are and their own lives. As well, the give-and-take should always be pretty balanced and very mutual.

And when a person has the kind of breakup this guy did with you, you really do NOT want to get back together with someone like that, especially so, so soon (in a case like this, I'd say if you even want to reconsider it, you see what that person is like YEARS from then). Moving for someone with a history like this is absolutely something I wouldn't advise. As well, when someone makes clear they are so conflicted about a long-term relationship that they want to leave it to explore other things, you need to know they have voiced a real conflict, one very unlikely to be worked out in just a few weeks. I know you weren't happy about the conflict he was having and didn't want it to be there, but it was there. It may be you rushed right back in because you so badly didn't want to believe that was a real conflict he was having: it's unfortunate, if so, and not advisable, but you'd hardly be the first person who reacted that way to a situation like this, either.

If you didn't have the other people in your life -- your friends and family -- giving you some of this advice, I'm so sorry no one did. I'd have hoped at least someone would have suggested you be very wary, not run right back into this, etc.

I also am so sorry your trust feels so betrayed. However, it's so important to really build trust, bot just blindly give it. And if someone has already broken our trust, it's not caring for ourselves to just give it right back when they want it. It needs to be rebuilt again, gradually, which takes time: the larger the betrayal, the longer it's going to take. And while we're building that, we want to be investing ourselves gradually, too, not all at once.

That all said, of course right now you'll feel like you can't trust someone again, but I hope you can recognize that part of the problem here was choosing to trust someone who wasn't trustworthy, including when they made that very clear with their behavior.

I don't want to keep going too much, because when something like this is very new and feelings are raw, right now you're probably still going to need time to grieve before you can a) start to heal and b) take things away from something so awful that will benefit you.

So, I think the best thing to do to start is to think about what YOU need and want right now, for yourself. What do you think right now would help you process all of this and be able to get back on track with your own life?

[ 05-06-2010, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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rockonnn2
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Honestly, I want a straight answer on why he all of a sudden did this to me. Thats what would help me cope and understand. I dont understand why he was so selfish and why he is all of a sudden being so mean to me? He says he cares and loves me, I mean I understand he isnt in love with me anymore but anything I say to him he says is lame or I;m dramatic. I didnt know I couldnt be dramatic about my so called boyfriend ripping my heart out of my chest again.

I really wanted it to work and I did what I could. I didnt know there were issues that deep. If he communicated things to me, I might understand more. But for this to come out of the blue, thats what makes it hard.

I guess I was in love with the old him. The one who shared his emotions and one who talked to me and opened up to me. I think from his pill addiction to now him being on a detox drug called suboxone, I really think it has messed with his head, and I DONT think he realizes it. I see his changes now that I step back and take a look at the situation. And for someone to go from being grateful to bitter in such a short period of time doesnt add up.

I really dont even know what I'm asking. He doesnt realize how tramatic this is for me. He doesnt even understand one ounce of what I'm feeling. Yet he goes on with life like nothing happened and like I was nothing to him. I dont get it!

[ 05-07-2010, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: rockonnn2 ]

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rockonnn2
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PS: I REALLY REALLY thank you for taking out the time to reply. I think its so nice of you to do that. I cant thank you enough, especially at this time.
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Heather
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Either I missed it in the past or you hadn't mentioned he had a previous addiction.

This is by NO means me excusing his behavior, but it's actually very uncommon for relationships to be able to transition when someone is in one during an addiction and then after or during recovery. So, that's one more thing that likely played a part here.

As well, part of the nature of addiction is denial and being disconnected from yourself and others. So, maybe he is reacting this way or won't (and didn't) communicate with you because he hasn't been communicating even with himself. Or maybe he's just chosen not to be open and communicative with you.

All the same, it seems pretty clear that you're very unlikely to get any help in closure with this from him. Either he doesn't have the answers himself or he isn't sharing them with you, but either way, obviously the door is closed and the only thing you seem to be able to get from him is more hurt, not resolution.

So, given what you want doesn't seem to be an option, let's move on to next options, okay? Without that option, what else can you do for YOURSELF to deal with this and work on moving forward?

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rockonnn2
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Thx again for your reply.

I know I should focus on my friends and family and ppl who are there for me. I just don’t know how to get back into a routine of life. He was my best friend as well as my boyfriend so it’s like I’m losing two ppl. We were very close and I leaned on him for lots of things, I feel drained, empty and don’t feel like doing much. All I can think about is him being with another girl. He also gave me HPV so with him knowing his is carrying this disease I pray that he isn’t knowingly spreading it just to get a lay. He says he’s not playing the field and far from it, but I don’t believe him. I just have a feeling.

I don’t know if I mentioned his addiction before but I do think it plays a big part on his emotional disconnection. He always tells me that he doesn’t even want to open up to his parents because they get upset when he is upset. I told him that is how parents are. They are going to be sad when you’re sad, or upset when you’re upset. I feel he doesn’t understand the concept of caring or loving. Hiding your feelings is not the way to go about life. And if he is going to be a closed door then none of his relationships are going to work. I think he needs to talk to a therapist. But he doesn’t see it. I know I should talk to one too. I started to last year and then got off track after we started seeing each other again.

I don’t understand how he can just throw everything out the window like that. But he isn’t one to talk about reason. I DO communicate with him and talk to him, but he always shoves it off as nothing. It’s no big deal. Or he doesn’t feel like talking. He is very immature for someone who will be 28 soon. I just did so much for him and was there for him and everything he went through. Even during his pill addiction. He doesn’t abuse the Suboxone, he’s really good about it. He takes the recommended amt. When he was addicted to Hydrocodone he was up to 13 A DAY! If he couldn’t get those pills he would get methadone pills. But I was there to help him shake it and it was probably one of the roughest times in his life and I didn’t walk away. He’s been on the Suboxone for just over 3yrs. I blame is doctor for keeping him on a higher dosage for so long, and his doctor just recently changed it to 2mg dosage.

I told him I would be there thru thick and thin and good and bad, That’s what love is. He used to tell me that stuff all the time. He used to be so sweet, caring, loving and compassionate and would open up to me about anything. He would even cry about things to me and be scared he would lose me, but I always reassured I would be there. Now its like his this cold bitter person who only cares about himself. And even during his bad Hydrocodone addiction he was very loving and caring, it’s just been the past year where he’s been so different.

I’m trying to get back into life. I’m taking it day by day. I don’t have much of an appetite again. But I am eating but I don’t eat all day until dinner time.
I’m not ready to be social yet. Honestly, I don’t even want to look at another man. It makes me sick to think I could go through this again with someone else. I’m very scared

[ 05-07-2010, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: rockonnn2 ]

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rockonnn2
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Hi Again. I'm back. I just found out my God Father has cancer and he only has a year to live. Hes only 52 and our family is so close and hes like a 2nd father to me. I cant believe it. I have a sense of loss, from losing my boyfriend who was also my best friend and now on the verge of losing a father figure. I dont know how to process these feelings. I feel I'm at my lowest point ever in my life. I feel like someone is pointing and laughing at me and I'm drowning. I texted my ex-bf yesterday to tell him the news. And I told him that losing him and about to lose another person that is so close to my heart is really hard for me to deal with. My ex was the one person I leaned on for support. Hes the one I told everything to. Now I have nothing. Its so hard to pretend to be okay, when I feel so much pain and so much hurt. I don’t wish this pain on anybody. I have so much on my mind and I cant process all these thoughts. My head hurts and I don’t know what to do. I miss my ex so much. I felt like I was doing better. Then I found out the news about my God Father and I feel like I took a huge step backward. Now I miss my ex-bf even more.

I'm so sad, and so lonely.

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rockonnn2
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PS: I went to a party on Saturday because I knew I had to finally get out of the house, because it wasnt healthy for me to just lay in bed anymore. I found out about my God Father Friday night. So at the party I tried so hard to keep it together, but I ended up having to go to the bathroom at cry. And it wasnt little sobs, it was hard heavy crying. I realized I guess I wasnt ready to be out yet. I realized that I hate being single and that I dont like the "party scene" anymore. I was ready to settle down and get married and have children and now my life is flipped totally upside down...
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Heather
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I'm very sorry about your Godfather's prognosis.

Once more, how about your friends, not your ex, not seeking out other partners? have you sought out time with any of your friends who are NOT an ex for support?

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rockonnn2
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I do have some good friends. I did go see her on Saturday for that party. She lives an hour away. It’s just different how I opened up to my ex as opposed to a girlfriend. With my ex I confided in him for everything. He was always there for me and supported me. And I shared things with him that I never shared with anyone else. It’s just really hard to disconnect from him when I leaned on him and had him in my life. I was never as close to anyone as I was with him, that’s what makes this hard.
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Heather
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Can you consider that you simply CHOSE to open up to him that way? In other words, that you can be that open with friends, you just need to choose to do so with them, not just a sexual/romantic partner?

You can choose to also open up more to friends, too, and it's really not healthy to only ever have one person that you're close to. We might have someone we're closer to than others, but if it ever looks like we tell one person EVERYTHING, and look only or mostly to them for support and tell all the other people in our lives little to nothing, and rarely seek support with others, we can be pretty sure we need to do some rebalancing in our relationships because that's very out-of-balance. Make sense?

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rockonnn2
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It makes a lot of sense. I do agree. I guess I didnt expect any of this, and I def learned I cannot rely on one person for comfort and to tell everything too. Its just a lot of loss right now. This is all happening at once, and thats what makes it tough.
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Heather
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We really can't do that, you're right. But even if and when we actually can, doing that doesn't tend to create healthy relationships or be very healthy for us.

I know it's really hard to be socked with more than one loss at once. But with your godfather, I'd also suggest focusing on the fact that he isn't lost yet, an attitude he'll probably appreciate, too. One thing people with terminal illness often voice that's hard for them is having people around them treat them or think of them like they're already gone. You have some time with him: why not take some extra time to spend more? Heck, you can even talk to him about dealing with this breakup: he'd probably be happy to talk about something besides his own problems and illness, after all, and if you're that close, would likely want to support you when you need it.

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rockonnn2
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He has been wonderful during my breakup. Its amazing to hear him talk now though because he feels he has so many regrets. My dad talks to him and they cry on the phone to each other (he lives in dallas but we go visit often and he comes to see us often, and we talk on the phone all the time). So its just really hard to see my dad hurting like this too. We are trying to be stong for him and talk with him and give him that support, but he is so sad, and its hard hearing him cry and theres not much to do other than to say things to comfort him.
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Heather
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I understand.

So, how about you think of one or two friends that you are going to call in the next day or two, talk with, and open up to more? Can you do that and follow through with that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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rockonnn2
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I will talk to them and open up. I just feel I'm not ready.

As far as men. I dont even want to look at them. I hate feeling that way. I'm just so disgusted that my ex never communicated and put me through a lot of BS and I still stayed, but he's the one who ended up not in love when I was a good gf.

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Heather
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Your ex is probably more than male. He's probably also a given race or size or from a given place. because he was a given way doesn't impact how other people are. There's no one gender or one member of any group who can represent anyone.

I'm not saying going into dating right now seems wise, but you have already mentioned two men in your life you are very close to, and you might have male friends, too.

With friends, you don't have to go from not open to all open: you take gradual steps. But if we're going to change these kinds of patterns, we have to move outside our comfort zones, so I would suggest you start taking those steps. [Smile]

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Hi again. I am trying really hard to get out of the house and hang out with friends. I went out Saturday with some friends and I just end up balling my eyes out. There was a song that came on the radio. It was a Beatles song Dig a Pony came on the radio and its one of his favorite songs and I broke down. It’s so embarrassing. And its not little sobs, its hardcore crying. It’s really hard for me. I can’t get him out of my mind. My love for him was so true and I put so much energy and time into him and I don’t understand how he cannot feel the same way. I am trying really hard, but I feel like I get pushed back down again. It’s been 3 weeks now and I don’t feel any better. I know he is hanging out with his friends and having fun and I am trying to do things to get him off my mind, but it’s so hard. He says that he cares and it hurts him too, but then he acts shady towards me. And were not really keeping in contact, but we have a dog and are doing the joint custody thing right now. So I don’t get how he cares and it hurts him one min then he’s shady and cold the next and then acting okay with me the next?
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Lilerse
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Friends definitely saved me in not hitting rock bottom after my own breakup. The relationship was less serious than yours, but I can still relate - especially with the questions like "I dont understand if you love and care for someone, dont you know what you want?" and "I dont understand if he has something so wonderful with me then why he would want to let me go?" I asked myself these questions over and over again. I desperately wanted to make sense of what happened so I could get the "closure" I needed. I still didn't - and still don't - understand completely what happened.

But anyway, it's true, you CAN open up to friends in a similar way. I know it's not the same. But it does help.

The other important thing is to not see this as fair/unfair - I was doing that a LOT during the breakup process. Telling myself over and over, this isn't fair, why is he doing this to me, I did EVERYTHING for him, this is so so so so unfair.
I read this book "Feeling Good" by David Burns that talked a lot about fairness - and how it's all personal judgment, there's not some universal fair/unfair. Basically he would say that your boyfriend DID think what he was doing was fair. "Shoulding" doesn't get you anywhere - what I did a lot was tell myself "He SHOULD love me and want to be with me because I gave him everything and we were happy etc. etc." This was not helpful. And the book helped me realize this; fairness and "shoulding" are distorted thoughts - and distorted thoughts lead to these awful emotions you're probably feeling.

Anyway. Sorry for the tangent. I don't think I explained it very well but it's a good book and you should check it out:) And definitely do the friend thing. Friends are so so so important and good.

And just know that you're not alone; this happens to the best of us...and the pain sucks. It really really does. Especially when you don't know what the hell happened, and when it seems like he's totally fine and you're the one hurting (that's another thing I kept telling myself.."it's not fair that I'm the one hurting and he doesn't care"). I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

[ 05-24-2010, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: Lilerse ]

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rockonnn2
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Hello...So I have been trying hard to get out and hang out with friends. But it seems I tend to get major anxiety when I go out. It’s really strange because it never happened to me before. But the past 3 times I have gone out. I actually had to go to the bathroom because I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest and I have a huge urge to just cry, like cry really hard. So I excuse myself to the bathroom to calm myself down and do my crying. It’s just really weird because I am 26 years old and I have never experienced this before. It’s really hard to deal with and I don’t know why this is happening?

Has this happened to anyone else?

Any suggestions on what can alleviate this? Or is the answer just..time?

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Heather
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Have you let yourself cry WITH your friends?

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rockonnn2
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Oh yes. I cry with my friends, my parents, I’d cry with the neighbor’s cat if I could...Its just crazy how much emotion I have and how much anxiety I get NOW. I feel I don’t wanna cry all the time around my friends because it is embarrassing to sit there and cry that hard about something. So I have a few times. I even went to a party and ended up crying to strangers. It was just embarrassing. They were really supportive, but the fact that I didn’t know them was weird for me.

I feel I don’t have control over it. I’m trying to live my life, but I can’t get passed it. It hurts too much. I thought maybe since he did this to me last year maybe this second time would be easier, but it seems harder. Most likely because I figured him wanting me and having me move back was it. That we were going to move to Texas together, get married and have children. I was ready for all that. He got me so excited about moving to Texas. Told me all the fun things we would do. My whole family is here in NY so the fact I was going to move is a huge step. He told me I should be glad that the break up happened now and not in Texas…seemed like a cold response to me…I agree, but still cold to say that. Its like he planned this the whole time…So now he moves to Texas in a year. Takes OUR dog that we have raised since he was 6wks old and gets to start a new life. Eventually some other girl will come into the picture and my doggie wont even know who I am. That’s hard to accept too…

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