Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I love him but...... (Page 2)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: I love him but......
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I mean it's also about HIM and his behaviour, which clearly he was unwilling to change with you. That likely is not about the kind of relationship you have with him, but will probably be the case in ANY relationship you have with him.

For abusive people to change, they have to recognize they are being abusive and then do very hard, long work to change it. But one thing they will usually be advised of if they start that work is not to try and do it while in relationship (of any kind) with anyone they have been abusive TO.

In terms of giving yourself time, I mean giving yourself time. Two days is not a long time. Let yourself have more time to feel sorrow and grief, to be out of a relationship, to not think about being in one again, time with people who DO love you and treat you with love, all of that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I havn't seen him, talked to him, texted him or emailed him in a week [Smile] . I know that probably dosn't sound like alot but to me that's BIG lol. In the nine and a half months I've known him we've never gone more then a day without some kind of contact. So I'm very proud lol and getting high fives every day from my friends who are all very happy that they never have to see him again lol.

The last thing he said to me [it was text messages] was "Ok Hayley I've tried to be nice but your so manipulitive that I can't take it anymore. For once your making me really mad. Stop trying to guilt trip me. I'm done trying to make peace with you and I'm over it anyway. I never thought I'd say this but I'm happy I ended it"

The guilt tripping him part was because I said that he broke every promise he ever made me [I'll never hurt you, never cheat, never lie again, never shout at you again, I'll always love you, I'll always be there for you ect] and that I obviously wasn't worth changing for.

It's 11 days since we broke up and to be honest I feel worse not better.

I'm driving my friends insane. Can't stop thinking about him. Can't stop talking about him. It just hurts so much to know that he was able to move on so quickly.

I feel like a fool for beleiving he'd never cheat. Three days before I found out he cheated he was in my house and cheating came up and he asked me if I beleived he'd never cheat and I said "I think there's more of a chance that you would punch me in the face then cheat on me" and when I said cheat I meant kiss another girl. Not sleep with another girl.

It would be different if he had told me about it himself. But finding out from someone else 4 months after it happened made it so much harder. We were together for 8 and a half months and for 6 of the 8 and a half months I thought I was the 1st person he slept with [which was a lie] and he kept him sleeping with my friend a secret for half of the relationship. It feels like our whole relationship was a lie. I found out recently that he tried to have sex with another one of my friends too. And when she said no he told her that I'd never find out and that they could keep it a secret. They didn't end up doing it but that was only because she refused to.

I'm still in shock. Everyone who hears about it is. He didn't just fool me he fooled everyone else aswell. They all thought there was more of a chance that he'd end up beating me then cheating on me.

I'm starting counselling next week [my Mom thinks I don't need it, thinks it won't help ect] but has agreed to pay for it.

Just really down in the dumps...I try to go out with my friends and have fun but it feels like I'm off in my own little world half the time, staring into space, not even paying attention to what they're talking about.

I've been out with my friends loads over the past week but it feels like it's making everything worse not better. I don't enjoy it, I'm in a bad mood the whole time, close to tears when anyone brings it up, I'm bringing everyone else down and they end up in a bad mood too. I don't see what the point of going out is when I'd prefer to be at home on my own.

I'm not motivated to do anything. Feels like there's no point in getting up in the morning and doing my hair and make up because there's no one to look nice for. No one to impress. What's the point??

I've been talking to other guys. Flirting but nothing serious. I know I'm not ready. Even flirting with other guys just makes me feel worse because the whole time I'm thinking "Your not Jake".

I'm mad at myself for letting him bring me down this much, for still loving someone who clearly dosn't care about me at all, for still worrying about him...worrying about if he's happy or not....if he got home safely....if he's still fighting with his parents. He's out having fun and has clearly moved on and I just can't get him out of my head. I'm frustrated with myself for still caring about someone who hurt me so much.

I can't remember the last time I laughed like really laughed [not just laughing to be polite or because everyone else is]. Like laughing because I actually thought something was funny.

I'm smoking way more then I used to. My Mom is lecturing me 24/7 about how I need to eat and how the weight is falling off me. I've been drinking to much. I know that won't solve anything. It dosn't cheer me up or make me any happier. It's just nice to be able to get him out of my head for a couple of hours. To not be able to think straight.

Feels like everything is going wrong recently....I know I have so much to be thankful for....I know I should be happy that I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back...food to eat ect but I just can't move on.

I'm a different person to who I was I was a year ago. It's like he broke me, changed me...maybe so much that I'll never go back to the way I was.

I was confident, always laughing..always smiling, friendly, outgoing. Always beleived in love. But now I don't see the point. A couple of amazing months and then this horrible pain. It's not worth it.

As much as I hate to admit it I had so much more respect for myself. A year ago I would NEVER sleep with someone that fast. I never would have slept with someone because I was scared I'd loose them if I didn't. The way I think now is so different to how I used to think.

Before it would have been "If he can't wait he dosn't deserve to be with me" or "If he loved me he woudn't care how long he had to wait for me to be ready".

With my ex I felt like I owed it to him. He never presured me into it but I felt like he deserved it. Like it wasn't fair to say no. Like I was depriving him of something he earned.

He never told me I owed it to him or that he deserved it or anything like that. He was saying he'd wait as long as I wanted. It wasn't his fault I felt like that. He didn't do anything to make me feel like that but I always did.

I NEVER wanted to be the kind of girl who thought like that. I made my boyfriend before Jake wait a year and a half. And Jake waited a month and a half. Big difference.

I would NEVER have put up with the shouting and swearing with anyone else. I just loved him too much. I know I did. I wasn't thinking "this is right, this is wrong". I was just thinking "I love you, I don't care what's right".

I want to be happy it's over. I want to see it as a good thing. I want to hate him but I just can't. Even now that we're broken up I sometimes feel myself going back to my old ways. Someone would say something mean about him and of course my first thought would be "DEFEND HIM".

He asked me to keep his cheating a secret and I agreed to it and so far I have apart from my friends. But it's so frustrating hearing that people are saying that I hurt him, that I cheated on him, that I broke his heart.

And I want everyone to know that I wasnt the only one who cheated. That in the end I was the one who got hurt. But I'd never do it to him. He dosn't deserve for me to be keeping his secrets or trying to make him look good after everything he put me through but as per usual I don't care.

I don't care if he deserves to look bad or not I still wouldn't do it.

My friends think I'm too dependant on boyfriends. And I could never see it before but now I'm starting to see it more. I want to be happy being single. Happy going out with my friends. But I miss the cute texts...the late night phone calls...I miss knowing there's always someone there..always someone thinking about you. I feel like I'm never going to be happy on my own.

The easy thing to do would be jump straight back into another relationship but I know it's a bad decision.

I'd be comparing them to my ex the whole time.
They'd never come close to measuring up. I'm not over my ex or anywhere near it.

That's like a quick fix...I'm not fixing the problem I'm just covering it up for awhile and then I'll just have to sort it out farther down the line. I know it would make me feel better for now but in the long run I think it would make everything worse.

[ 04-18-2009, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: XXHayleyBabyXX ]

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
anyone?

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm very glad to hear that you're starting counseling soon. I think it will really benefit you a lot to have a space to talk about all of these issues in person with a professional.

A lot of the feelings you are going through right now are totally normal, and I hate to say it, but one of the things that will help the most is time. Patience coupled with counseling will get you through this.

You are doing a really good job trying to take care of yourself by seeking out help and spending time with friends. You're doing exactly everything I'd suggest (with one exception--Can you block him from texting you? some cell phone companies charge to block a number, but it might be worth looking into). You're making a good decision to not get involved in a relationship right now.

I know it's hard, and I completely understand if it feels like things aren't getting any better. Eleven days isn't that much time. It was months after I got out of my abusive relationship before I started feeling a lot better. And even then, feeling okay came and went--it wasn't a really constant feeling for a long time.

So, all I can really say Hayley, is hang in there. You're doing really well in terms of taking positive steps and making good decisions. Things won't get better over night, but if you keep doing what you're doing, things will get better.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I could block his number but I don't think there's any point lol.

He hasn't tried to contact me at all lol
No emails..no texts...no phone calls....
He broke up with me and he's the one who said he was done trying to be friends
The problem isn't that he keeps ringing and texting me it's that I'm finding it really hard to not give in and text or ring him.

I miss talking to him [Frown] .

Shouldn't I be feeling atleast a little bit better by now though??

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's no time when you "should" be feeling better. Everyone heals in their own time, at their own rate.

Really, there's not much to do other than keep doing what you're doing. Maybe try to find a new hobby (I've found doing something like sewing or knitting is often a great distraction), or pick up an old one.

I can't tell you exactly when you'll be doing better, only that it will happen eventually. Like I said before, that could be days, or it could be many months. I just don't know. You can certainly bring up the concern about not feeling better quickly with at your counseling session, if you want.

I know it hurts and that it doesn't feel good. I wish there was a time when I could promise you that you'd feel better, but that's really not the way these things work. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but you ARE doing pretty much everything you can. The only thing else to do is be patient and not get frustrated with yourself for feeling this way.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SailorTsukino
Activist
Member # 39072

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SailorTsukino     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine
the party situation could have easily been takn straight out of my mouth.
I went with him for 10 months
and its taken me 6 months to get completley over it, i still get really upset when i see him.
You'll be stronger because of it. That much i know anyway

Posts: 54 | From: Ireland | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Àh everything is so messed up at the moment. I don't know if it's my ex or the girl he slept with but one of them is telling everyone that I was sleeping with my ex [my boyfriend before my last] the whole time I was with him. I did cheat but it was just kissing and it deffinetly wasn't the whole time we were together [Frown] [Frown] . I know it's just a stupid rumor and it shouldn't upset me but it's just so frustrating that they hurt me and now instead of being sorry they're trying to me make me look bad.

And people keep asking me about it. Asking me if it's true or not and I obviously deny it but they probably don't a hundred pecent beleive me.

They should be feeling guilty not spreading rumors [Frown] [Frown] . And I've been keeping my mouth shut about the truth to protect them so they wouldn't look bad and they're making up lies about me delibrately trying to make me look bad.

I wouldn't mind if it was the truth it's just hard when it's all a lie and I'm never going to be able to reverse the damage they've done.
I can't make them take back what they said whichever one of them started it. I can't make them tell every single person that heard it that it's not true. No matter how many times I deny it there's still going to be people who beleive it. There's still going to be people who I didn't even get a chance to defend myself to.

I want to call him and ask him why he's saying it but I know I shouldn't be talking to him. I'm just so angry and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut and stay away from him. I'm trying to be the bigger person and do the right thing but ahhh I'm so angry lol.

And my ex just starting dating someone else. It hurts knowing that after 9 and a half months with me [for the first month we were allowed date other people though] it took him a week and a half to be over me enough to date someone else.

I would NEVER do that to him. Whether I was over him or not I wouldn't start going out with someone a week and a half after we broke up because I'd be too worried about upseting him.

Everything is just getting worse and worse.

I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who's helped me through this so far. I really apreciate it.

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
anyone?

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm just not sure what to add to this, Hayley, beyond saying what I already have about how abusive people don't tend to stop behaving abusively even when you leave the relationship.

And calling him would be a bad move in my book: not only does that likely give him just what he wants, it puts you steps back in getting AWAY from all of this.

Have you yet considered seeking out some in-person counseling? I think it might be a very good thing for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XXHayleyBabyXX
Activist
Member # 42242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XXHayleyBabyXX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My Mom has rang a couple of different places but there's 6-8 weeks waiting lists everywhere [Frown] [Frown]

--------------------
Being with all the girls in the world dosn't make you a man. Makin one girl feel like she is the world, well, that does.

Posts: 145 | From: Planet Earth | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Keep calling a places, and you might want to ask your school counselor, or even your normal doctor, if they know of a counselor who is available to take new patients right now.
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Too, given how long this has gone on for, it would have made sense to go ahead and make appointments with some of those people: you may have been able to see someone by now.

And you'll likely still have use for that support 6-8 weeks from now, so why not go ahead and make an appointment with someone? If something else comes up sooner, you can always cancel if you need to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3