posted
When talking about whether or not a relationship is abusive, we often mention frequent fighting as a possible warning sign. And we often get the response that fighting is normal in any relationship, including a perfectly healthy one. Which, to an extent, is true. We're never going to be with someone where we're in total agreement with 100% of the time. But: there is healthy fighting, and then there is unhealthy fighting.
It's often really hard to tell the difference, also because not everyone has 'learned' how to fight in a productive way.
A good rule of thumb is that a good argument is conducted with honesty and mutual respect, it clears the air, and it leaves everyone involved feeling better for it. An unhealthy fight, however, involves things like accusations, name-calling, threats, etc, and leaves you feeling hurt, angry or upset.
Where do you think the difference lies? How did you learn how to fight, and what experiences have you made with good and bad fighting?
[ 03-16-2009, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8424 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Last fall a friend of mine and I had a pretty huge fight that actually went on for a couple of weeks. I realized things would work out, eventually, when he ended a fight by saying he was done and asking if I had anything else I'd like to say before he hung up.
We'd spent the fifteen minutes before that quite literally screaming at each other, but we were both able to keep the hurt and angry feelings in check enough to listen to one another. The entire time we were both using I-statements instead of making accusations, we both stayed on topic instead of bringing up past arguments or irrelevant details, and we were arguing about something important instead of something that we could have compromised on.
While that specific argument didn't solve our problem (it turned out we needed a three month break), it also didn't hurt either one of us or our relationship. While I didn't feel he understood my perspective, I did know he was listening to me and trying to reconcile my views with his. Even though we were screaming, we were not saying hurtful or untrue things.
-------------------- “I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001
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