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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I feel like I'm cheating but I'm not, Is this wrong?

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Author Topic: I feel like I'm cheating but I'm not, Is this wrong?
Member # 38432

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Here it is. I've been with my bf for 2 years and I love him dearly. Lately though, I've come to realize that one of my great college friends MIGHT have a crush on me. He is honestly the best looking of my male friends and sometimes I find myself attracted to him physically and I've even had dreams about sex with him. I've done some innocent flirting, but it has never gone farther than that. I don't feel anything I feel for my bf with this guy, it's mainly just a gigantic physical attraction. I feel horrible though, like I'm cheating on my bf and doing horrible things even though nothing has happened. I think it might do with some sexual frustration I've been having when it comes to my bf, since it's been 2 years and we've had no real type of sexual encouter.
Am I wrong in feeling all this? Am I a bad person? Is there something up with my relationship?

Posts: 76 | From: Puerto Rico | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29754

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You are certainly not wrong in feeling what you're feeling, nor are you a bad person. There's this giant myth out there that monogamy - for those who choose to practice it - somehow means we'll never be attracted to anyone other than our partners. We don't have that kind of direct control over our feelings, so don't beat yourself up for having a feeling. What we do have control over are our actions, and what monogamy actually means is that, despite the fact that one might be attracted to someone other than one's partner, one will only have sex (however it's defined between a given couple) with one's partner. It's perfectly ok for you to be sexually attracted to people other than your boyfriend, and it does not make you a bad person in any way.

Is there something up in your relationship? Yes, definitely. At the very least, you're not having the sex with your boyfriend that you clearly want, and I'd count that as "something up". Part of what distinguishes "boyfriend" from "friend" is that it's a sexual relationship. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you want sexual activity but have "had no real type of sexual encounter"? If not, you should. You each need to find out what the other is thinking so you can approach your sexual relationship in a way that works for both of you. Be honest, straightforward, and assertive in expressing what you want, and encourage him to do the same. And, while I'm not saying that this is the case, you need to be aware of the possibility that you and your boyfriend are sexually incompatible (and perhaps should be really good friends and not dating). Again, I'm not saying that I think that's the case. The way to resolve this is to talk to your boyfriend.

As for flirting, most people don't consider that cheating (and those that do need to lighten up a bit and ditch their insecurities :-P ), though it would be in poor taste to obnoxiously flirt with others in front of your boyfriend.

Hope this helps, and I hope your talk goes well with a minimum of awkwardness. :-)

Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40650

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I have been in the same situation with you. My boyfriend and I have also been together for 2 1/2 years.

You can't help the way you feel. I honestly dont think you're a bad person at all. When I was in this situation, I cut down talking to my guy friend. As attractive as he was, I kept reminding myself that my boyfriend treats me really well and that I don't think I'd be able to find another guy like him.

You also need to look past his looks. Are you sure you know everything about this other guy? Would he treat you the same as your boyfriend?

Posts: 11 | From: Hawaii | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38432

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As for my bf, yes we've had some sexual encounters. There's been touching and stuff like that, but we've never quite moved forward from that. I feel like he's not ready for sex as I am, as it would be the first time for both of us. So I don't really want to push him. The topic of actually talking about our sexual relationship is terribly awkward for the both of us though.

As for the guy, yes I've looked past his looks. He's very nice, religious and someone I have many things in common with, but I feel that with mainly all my other male friends. Like I've said, I don't really feel anything for this guy except for sexual attraction.

Posts: 76 | From: Puerto Rico | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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...and talking about sex with other partners may be equally awkward. Other partners also may not want sex when you do or feel ready when you do.

Having feelings isn't cheating. I doubt you two have an agreement where you have both agreed not to have any feelings of attraction for others, and even if you did, I'd say that's a very unreasonable agreement. None of us can control our feelings, and people will often find more than one person attractive, even when they are in great relationships. Agreements about exclusivity are usually based on actions, not feelings.

But it sounds like regardless, you and your boyfriend need to take the step to just start talking about sex together, and about how you are feeling. Rather than guessing about what he's ready for, that's something we should talk about with partners (and you don't have to pressure him to do anything he doesn't want to simply by talking about your feelings and wants and asking about his). And if you're feeling like parts of this relationship aren't working for you, that's also something you'll need to both be talking through together. We can't cultivate good relationships in silence.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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