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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » sigh.. "friend" troubles...

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Author Topic: sigh.. "friend" troubles...
Madame Loki
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Hey, some of you may remember a post i did back in june about one of my freinds, Sam? its a really long vent... you can read it in my post history if you need a refresh..

order of events:

probably back in november i had a severe panic attack where nothing was makign sense and i felt like my world was spinning out of control. i begged Sam to meet me some place because i felt like i really needed a freind to help me. i begged and pleaded with her but, she couldnt do it. she had homework but, she couldve done it on the weekened. i unno i feel like i was more important at the moment ( i guess that was rather wrong of me.) but it felt like she couldnt take the time out of her life to come to my aid ( the one and ONLY TIME I EVER ASKED)...

well the past few months i been working 7 nights a week making about 38 hrs a week plus school. its been tough but i made it. the last 2 weeks espesscally. my mom had to get an ovary removed so i been taking care of her(shes getting a hysterectomy this month) and my parents think we need to put our oldest dog down..*sad face*. last tuesday i devoted the whole day to just studying for my test and finishing my homework in my schools lab. thn Sam texts me saying how much she really needs me, that she can meet me anywhere and we wont have to spend any money.( in the past i would always drop everything i was doign and rushed up to whereever she was to meet her and e there this was the only time where i couldnt) i told her i cant do it because i had to study for my test ( i had to od it that night to have it turned in the by 8 the next morning) and i also had alot of homework i needed to finshed. but she was like "what about later when your done?" but i said that i doubted it, because i had ALOT of homework to do while studying for my test that i didnt think i would be done till really late ( 2:30am).

so then on wens i had class that i had to get up and rush out at 7 am to get too in time, then after class i went home and took a nap before work, she kept asking how the test went and i was really tired so i told her that i was tryign to take a nap before work, her response was "Oh, well I am sorry for bothering you." but i was just so tired that i didnt say anything back.

so i worked that night and the next day i had to pull a double, so i worked abotu 12 hours and that night was CRAZY! just insane! by the time i got home i was sooo exhausted all i wanted to do was sleep, and then i had to work 430 fri, sat, and sunday morning, so i was tired and exhausted and i didnt feel like doing anything( worked almost 50 hours i know its not much to some but it took alot oout of me:/)..
but on sunday i sent a text to both of them about how sorry i was for being anti-social, i just been working so much that i hadnt felt like getting out or anything. Ally was really understanding and supportive, but Sam didnt text back till the next day with just a "Right."

im sorry but it's just i havent felt like talking or anything, i guess i shouldve asked what she wanted but i guess i wasnt thinking..:/ so i assumed she was mad at me.

well they finnally switched me to mornings so after i got off work today i was in a good mood (the first time in a long time) so i decided that i wanted to go out, see a movie maybe, go to the bookstore and read. so i texted Ally what i was doing, and told her, and she said she wanted to hang out and asked if i asked Sam yet, i told her that i thought she was mad at me, and she said that She's been a bitch to everyone lately( when is she not?) she's become so selfish and petty that even their parents are really pissed off and annoyed with her..

but anyway, i didnt feel like dealing with h her attitude and i hardly ever get to hang out with Ally anyway. so i told her that if Sam wants to come then she can but if she gets an attitude and starts storming off then i was just going to leave her there. i am SO tired of just, putting up with her! i dont want to just deal with it, i didnt want to have to deal with it, i been dealing with it for so long! Ally Understood 100%.
so Ally came out and told me that Sams hurt because i didnt invite her... *sigh* I know... i SUCK as a friend.

so i checked my email tonight and Sam had sent me this "**** you" email, about how Ally and i fucked her life over and how i didnt ask her what was wrong with her the past couple of weeks, how shes always gettign dumped on (again i dotn really talk about my probelmes with her that often.. like maybe complain about my asstmanger at work but thats all i can recall at the moment) and now, i just dont know what to do. i gave up trying to please her so long ago, its like i cant do it anymore... like i forgot how too.

its a real angry email.. abotu how her sister and i made her our "fall person" w/e that means, how we always dumped all our feelings all over her, but.. i hardly ever really talk abotu my problems.. she knows abotu my mom and Ally tried to explain to her that i been working so many hours that im really tired but she didnt want to listen.. she's become so... self centered petty and just... a negative person to be around.. i dont think i can do it anymore. my bf doesnt believe i or Ally or anyone deserves her treatment.

i didnt respond to it. i dont believe in stooping to her level. i feel like no matter how...whats the word? sensitive? that i try to make it that it would only add fuel to the fire... i just, cant do it anymore. i dont even know if i deserve this treatment anymore. Ally and i said our apologies... for everything. but i dont think we deserve this kind of treatment.

I'm tryign to explain both sides here, im not lookign for a pity party or anything.. just, i unno.. a sympathetic ear (or eye) would be nice.. maybe some advice? im so confused.. i just keep looking at that email and i cant see any hint of what used to be one of my best friends there.

im sorry for this long vent.

Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mumbkin
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Hey don't worry about it. I know what its like trying to fit in study, hard work, family and moaning mates all at once.
I've had really nasty emails too, so you're not on your own gal. By the sounds of it shes got major pms [Razz] but then again she could just have a majorly beat up ego from you not having time for her. Do you know why she asked you to meet her? Then again, did she ever ask you why YOU needed her that time?
I'd let the dust settle a bit, then maybe later ask her if she wants to talk about it? Just you and her, not with her sister because siblins tend to wind things up...trust me! lol [Smile]
Good luck though. Im now off to put my own rant on here...
Try not to beat yourself up over it too much eh? [Smile]

--------------------
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance

Posts: 12 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Madame Loki
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no she never asked.. it just sucks cause that was the only time i needed her and she couldnt come see me.. but i didnt, like, get mad at her over it.. just kinda hurt, but i unno, i forgave her and put it away. but now im wondering what the hell?

i dont think i can be freinds with her anymore. its draining away my energy.. i just.. cant DO it anymore.. i unno. that email, really hit a chord in me... i NEVER sent her a nasty one or said anything vindictive or anything to her. i never wanted to be like that!

am i just sounding like a victim here? i cant stand this "**** this, **** that, **** you" bs.. my bf thinks shes probably jealous because me and her sister have bfs and lives too, and maybe she thinks we're leaving her behind.. look, i cant help her! shes the one who wont actully get out and DO stuff! she just wants to experience life through books and movies.. she doesnt understand how the fundamentals of having a relationahip are.. Ally and I have our sex jokes and talk about our guys but with Sam its like she's not apart of it but she wont do anything about it! UGH!

im just getting myself all worked up now...

[ 03-04-2009, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Ms. Loki ]

Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mumbkin
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Well, I dont have a bf or a sex life but all my mates do, most of them have kids and Im the youngest of the gaggle but I can still keep up and even though Im a bit conservitive (how the heck do u spell that?!) I can still have a laugh with them over sex etc...

So no I dont think you are acting like a victim but I think maybe she feels that you are expecting too much of her as a friend and she does feel left behind and the fact that you and her sis are so close is making her mad. Maybe it seems to her like you have plenty of time for Ally but never have time for her?

Thats just the way Im seeing it. BUT if you find it draining, just walk away. Its gonna be hard because you are connected to her sister, so you are still going to be involved and in contact with her.

Just chill and then have a think about it [Smile]

--------------------
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance

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Madame Loki
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:/ well, im not expecting her to go out and have a sex life... :/ i mean, i and Ally are still with our first bfs and w/e..

i feel like i should say something. im not going to apologize for havign a life, but i want her to realize that i cant be there for her all the time. i wish she would go to therapy!

[ 03-04-2009, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Madame Loki ]

Posts: 24 | From: S.W. Fl | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by Mumbkin:
By the sounds of it shes got major pms

I realize that was intended to be a joke, but I'm just not okay with it. Things like that are incredibly dismissive of women's real problems and feelings and are in opposition to what we're trying to do here.

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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Sam sent me another email. she says she feels abandoned by me and her sister, that she feels im too busy for her. that she cant move on from what happend... but. its not like she "cant" its that she 'wont' i mean, to me, "can" or "cant" feel physical: "I cant move this dresser by myself." "i can feed the dogs."
"I wont take the door off the hinges." or another type of example.

she's explainging how she cant do any of this, and how dependent on me as a friend she really is. but. i dont think i have it in me... ive suggested she goes to threapy or consoling. dont they offer it for free to college students? thing is, i cant be her therapist.

i feel like, im getting a life and moving forward with things but i have ot keep back tacking to pick her up and take her with me.

she thinks that she doesnt matter to me, that im far to busy for her.. she talks about being in a bad place right now. i dont know what to say. everytime i tried helping her in the past she didnt listen to me.

her family does not talk about it at all. its all this superfical "how was your day dear" bs. her parents are lame anyway.

i just, dont know how to respond to this.
any suggestions?

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-Jill
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It sounds like you're aware of your limitations -- friends are not a substitute for therapy. Fortunately many colleges do offer free or inexpensive counseling.

It sounds like this situation is escalating. Can you set clear boundaries with her and stick to them? I think that's a good place to start. You might also want to talk to her about how she can be a little less dependent upon you -- therapy could be a good start there.

--------------------
“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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Oh jill, ive suggested therapy from the get-go. she refuses to talk to her parents about paying for it. and her sister told me that she did go to the school threapist but she said it didnt seem to help. that all the did was make sure she didnt kill herself, etc.

I'm not sure how im suppose to tell her so.. maybe i should just tell her everything i feel? i suggested that to her sister but she thought that would be to cruel. and really i dont want to be cruel. just.. set.

[ 03-05-2009, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Madame Loki ]

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Madame Loki
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I'm sorry, I really wish i could get some advice here:/....
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Mumbkin
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Eek! sorry Jill [Frown] didnt mean it like that.
You could tell her how you feel but you should tell her face to face because emails just make both parties feel awful...in my view anyway.

Or you need to look at what you are doing, i.e are her acuataions justified? Have you been spending loads of time with Ally and completly ignoring her? Shes gonna be a lil angry with every thing because her sister and you are really good mates and shes left out. So yeah, try and have a chat with her [Smile] Just TRY...you dont have to work miricles, just have a chat with her and tell her why you needed HER that time and not Ally and ask her why she needed YOU that other time.

Those are just sugestions, at the end of the day it is up to you [Smile]

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If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance

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Madame Loki
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theres actully alot more to the story. and no i dont really get to spend much time with ally. so what few times we do spend together, even fewer alone because Sams always coming with us. then she'll get bitchy as soon as we go into a store then she'll just storm off.

i emailed her last night and told her, "Look, Im sorry that you feel that way, but i will not apologize for having a life. between takign care of my mom, my dog, my horse, work..." i tol dher that she says she has soem serious problems obviously, but you never seem intrested in changing.
i did end the email saying
"If you want to meet me in person, we can discuss this face to face .i would be more then willing to meet you somewhere, eighter on my day off or after work sometime. "

anyway i hope it mightve given her some perpective... i dont know. it felt like she was just trying to find ways to justify her anger.

[ 03-06-2009, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Madame Loki ]

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-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by Madame Loki:
it felt like she was just trying to find ways to justify her anger.

It sounds like this is a very difficult situation for you to be in. One aspect is your friend is obviously going through a pretty rough patch and needs some support. Unfortunately the other side of that is she seems to have unrealistic expectations of you and is treating you badly.

I'm not sure how much you can do at this point. It sounds like her problems are far larger than something she can work through with friends, but she isn't acknowledging that on her own. While you can still be caring and supportive, you do need to respect your own needs and establish and enforce boundaries. Do you need help with that?

(Mumbkin, I didn't think you did, but that definitely wasn't language I was comfortable leaving sit. We hear things like that all the time and just let it roll off, so it can be hard to realize what's really being said.)

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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Yes Jill, i woudl like some help. i gave her all the support she needed and i was there for her all through our friendship (10 years) just these last 2 years have been the roughest. she hasnt emailed me back yet and i havent had time to ask her sister whats up cause i been busy. :/
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-Jill
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Okay, so the first step is to identify what you can and can't handle as her friend. What are your limits? And by that I mean everything from limits on the amount of time you have for other people to your emotional limits. When you think about this stuff you need to realistically think about what you need, even though you may want to consider what you think she may need.

Once you have a very clear idea of your boundaries (I highly suggest writing them down), you'll need to communicate them to her and then stick to them. So, first decide what's best for you and then we'll work on the rest.

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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I just dont want to be her one and only emotional outlet.

I cant handle her furious outbursts in public. it's embarrassing when she gets pissed about something as insignificant as me walking into another store without her.
I dont know if i really want to spend time with her because all she wants to do is watch movies. thats how she experiences life. but i dont want to do that. i actully go out and experience it first hand. it seems like as soon as i start thinking about myself, is when she gets depressed and need me.
i mightve already said this but everytime it annoys me. it seems like everytime i try to take a step forward i always have to backstep for her to catch up. but as i said she doesnt like to do anything so im just back where i started..

i hate to think this, but i just dont have it in me to actully talk to her. :/ i know... im complainging about myself. i feel selfish now... [Frown]

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-Jill
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It sounds like it might be time to take a break from this friendship. From what you're describing it's causing you nothing but stress and drama.

It's natural to want to help and support our friends when they're going through a difficult time, but we can't do that at the expense of our own well-being. She cannot expect you to be her sole source of support.

Does taking a break feel like a feasible option for you?

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“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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yes... in fact i was trying to take a break when all this started:/ she emailed me and said " I guess we'll try to reconnect when im in a dfifferent place." then she texted me askign if i wanted to go see watchmen. but i told her that i had homework tonight and i already promised my bf id see it with him (its the truth) and she just said Ok have fun. (...yay....?) but i told her i was free fri or sat night, since i have to help my parents out on the weekened before my mom gets surgery. she'll be bedbound for 8 weeks i think.
but i told her that theres a party sat nightthat soemone from my work is throwing, if she wanted to come (doubt she will).

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-Jill
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Okay, so it sounds like you're getting to a manageable place with this relationship. Just continue to keep your own needs in mind and stick to your boundaries.

--------------------
“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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Madame Loki
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i am. trying too at least. I'm trying to get out there, and make some more friends. is there anyway to suggest that to her too?
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