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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » best friend wants more than friends

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Author Topic: best friend wants more than friends
horsecrazybecky
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we've been friends for 2 years. I've got a serious boyfriend now but my best friend doesn't think he's right for me and i should date him instead. He's jealous i have a relationship and admits he's not over his ex which was his first girlfriend and he's 23 they only dated for a few months. he still lives with his parents doesn't have a license. he thinks if i don't want him there's something wrong with him. technically there is he does still live with his parents without a license or car at 23 but he's a great guy if he had any motivation to do anything. but even if i wasn't dating anyone i wouldn't date him ever. He won't believe that. i just don't want to lose him as a friend.
Posts: 24 | From: Maine | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, someone who wants to date you (and pretty much only wants that from you, not a real friendship) tends to always find that the person we ARE dating isn't right for us: clearly, this guy has his own agenda.

I'd almost note that at 23, he's considerably older than you -- it does tend to always be worth asking why guys that age aren't dating in their age group, rather than looking to date girls in high school -- and too, telling you if you don't want him there's something wrong with him is actually a pretty manipulative thing to say. It sure sounds a lot like him trying to guilt-trip you into doing what he wants, don't you think?

How do YOU feel about your relationship with your boyfriend? Has this guy ever been respectful and supportive of your relationships? Has this earnestly felt like a good friendship to you?

(By the by, we share a birthday! Same day, different year.)

[ 12-28-2008, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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saguy
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I'm speaking as a guy who has only ever had feelings for the few girls I have managed to become friends with. I can't develop feelings for a girl I don't know well enough to be friends with, and combined with my social anxiety, the friendships with those girls just didn't last very long, but that's another topic.

The one thing I NEVER wanted to do was split up a relationship if she already had one. That is the line that he should not be trying to cross.

As for the living at home thing, I don't think that's something to be seen as "wrong" with him. I'm 24, I do have a full time job, and I still live at home and I pay my dad rent. Even as a retail manager, I don't make enough money to live comfortably on my own.

As for Heather's question about why a guy in his early 20s might want to date a girl in high school, it would explain a lot if he isn't the most socially skilled and experienced person. Using myself as an example, it's not that I don't necessarily want to date a girl in my age group, but with my lack of experience socially, I nearly have panic attacks at the thought of being with a girl around my age because I can't see my lack of experience (dating, socially, sexually) being something she would want anything to do with.

[ 12-27-2008, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: saguy ]

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trbewick
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I agree 100% with Heather on this subject. If he thinks that you should end your relationship with your boyfriend and go to him, or if he's trying to guilt trip you into something, there is something wrong with his way of thinking.

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Uhh... Something good, something good, something good... You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
Using myself as an example, it's not that I don't necessarily want to date a girl in my age group, but with my lack of experience socially, I nearly have panic attacks at the thought of being with a girl around my age because I can't see my lack of experience (dating, socially, sexually) being something she would want anything to do with.
I'd just want to add to this that what that sounds a lot like, though, if an adult person is suggesting that's their reason to date girls in high school, is that they are kid of putting the intimidation factor THEY would feel with people their dame age on the younger person.

In other words, you don't want to feel intimidated by, or not at the same level with same-age people who may have more life or relationship experience than you (for those who do: suffice it to say, you're your age and in this spot, and you're hardly alone in that), so you're seeking someone younger who, just by virtue of age alone, is going to kind of be the one to carry the burden of that imbalance themselves, but have less agency to manage it than you do by virtue of not being your age. See what I mean?

Just sounds a whole lot like kind of using younger women to manage your anxiety rather then...well, making your own steps to manage your anxiety and take the kinds of risks yourself those younger girls would be taking in dating someone your age.

[ 12-28-2008, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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