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My best friend's boyfriend of 10 or so months is emotionally abusive to her (in a very passive aggressive way- no yells, no hits...), and I really don't like it. Which is really too bad because at first, he seemed like a nice guy. She's called me crying around 5 times already in the past couple of months to tell me about things he's done to her, and I've made it clear that it's wrong, that he doesn't respect her and she deserves someone who does. The last time my patience was up, and I told her to please break up with the guy, because I'm not the only friend who's noticed something is definitely wrong. Heck, she even denies that he's tried breaking up with her. She hasn't said anything about the subject to me again. Instead, she acts as if nothing is happening; telling me how sweet he is, taking him with us on outings without asking me if I want to have him there, asking me if I want to join a new tango group he's setting up... I really just don't want to see him. He's not a friend of mine. In fact, he barely even knew her before they started dating.
It's hard for me to understand why she acts this way- one night she calls me crying saying he has refused to speak to her, again, for no good reason, and the next day she tells me how romantic he is and that she wants us all to go to the movies together. On the other hand, she's never had a role model of a stable relationship, and abuse and violence are pretty normal to her. I'm worried, because I feel like she's staying in the relationship because she likes the idea of him (bohemian style Italian, musician, vegetarian...) more than what he actually is.
I know I've already made my thoughts clear to her that I think she should leave and that he's not a good guy for her, but I really want to tell her to please not take him with us when we go out, because I just don't feel comfortable going out with him as if everything was alright when I know he doesn't treat my best friend well. If it was up to me, I would even keep trying to convince her that she doesn't need to perpetuate this behaviour and get her to finally break up with him, but I know she won't. She's too scared of being alone. But at least, I don't want to see him. My mother thinks this is kind of selfish of me, and that if I value her friendship, I need to "grin and bear it" and keep going out with them. The truth is, I'm sick of grinning and bearing it. I've done it all my life, and I'm tired of people telling me that I'm a good actress, so I should just keep acting and learn to "put up with people for a change". It may sound weird, but it makes me feel like a prostitute. Maybe this is just a lash out reaction to my own past, but I don't know. Am I really that selfish to not want to have to deal with this guy? It's not like we see each other that often. And if I'm not, I have no idea how to approach the subject with my best friend. I don't want to hurt her.
Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005
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I think you have every right to ask that he not be included in your time together. You're looking after your own best interests and that's not selfish, that's healthy.
It can be very hard to watch someone we care about do something like this; I'm sorry you're in this situation. As you're obviously aware, you can try to help her and be there when she needs you, but she's the one who actually has to make her decisions.
-------------------- “I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001
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Thanks for the reassurance... now, how do I bring the subject up with her? I thought, maybe the next time she complains about him. But who knows, now that it's absolutely clear that I want her to dump him, maybe she won't tell me anymore.
Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005
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I would say that the next time you make plans you make it clear he is not a part of your plans.
-------------------- “I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001
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