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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » 19...and still a virgin

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Author Topic: 19...and still a virgin
chris619
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i'm not sure this is the right place to post this, but here goes.

As the title says, i'm 19 and still a virgin, but not by choice. I have major problems communicating my thoughts to the women i know, and its causing me big problems; i've never been in a relationship, and never even kissed a girl!
I have many friends, at least 40 percent are women.Unfortunately, i have never had a close friend that i could talk to, just tell them the truth.I lie about my sexual exploits in an attempt to gain approval from my friends, but as soon as i do, i feel worse than before. so now i'm confessing to the world, cowering behind a wall of anonymity that is the internet.

I've put much thought into my situation, and i have come to the conclusion that the main source of my issues is my shyness and possibly my kindness. If you are familiar with the expression "Nice guys finish last", well it describes me perfectly. I do favors for everyone, attempting to be known as "That nice guy". I am afraid of any conversations about relationships, or even mentioning an interest in a relationship with a girl, for fear of having her to come up with an excuse to turn me down.

I in a way also blame my parents. I know they mean to do no harm, but i somehow believe that they have added to my dilemma. Since the day i started elementary school to the day i graduated high school, my parents have driven me each and every day to school and back, not to mention i went to an all guys high school. They were very controlling, always wanting to know where i was, who i was with, when i was coming home, etc. My parents basically treated me like a child up until the day college started. I was finally off my leash, unaware what to do with my newfound freedom. I spent my first year in college in isolation..it was all about classes and my 70 mile daily commute. After spending the summer alone, i decided to get some help. I knew my friends would ridicule me to no end if i backtracked on my previous stories and told them the truth; my parents would probably think i am playing a joke on them for some reason.

So here i am, asking advice on what to do from complete strangers, which i have never met. I'm sorry if my story is poorly written and in shambles, please understand that this is the first time i have ever mentioned my problems with the opposite sex to anyone.

Thank you for reading my miserable story, i am grateful for any input you might have in this matter...

P.S- I just came up with this username a few minutes ago, any references to chris619 on google are not mine and represent other people. I am doing this to prevent ridicule of any other Chris169's on the web [Smile]

[ 09-17-2008, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: chris619 ]

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Splice
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Hey "Chris." I empathize completely here except for, well, the whole being a guy thing... ^_--

I, too, am a 19 year-old virgin and think it has a great deal to do with my damn-near cloistered upbringing. Though I can easily make acquaintances and speak socially for short periods of time with people, my social skills are somewhat lacking when it comes to making actual friends and trusting people. This may or may not be the same case with you but, I think you and I both know what we must ultimately do...

We need to get ourselves out there! Do you not live on campus then? I don't and wouldn't be surprised if that has added more stress and isolation to my plate right now. You and I both need to stop being so afraid of getting shot down and just go for it. Find someone you find interesting, entertaining, attractive, whatever and do your best to know them on a social level and then go from there.

Also, "nice guy" do not always "finish last." They're just the ones who end up in the most (unfulfilling) relationships. Remember, "Chris": quality, not quantity!

Take care!

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chris619
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Yes, i live off campus. I feel totally disconnected from everything and everyone, i constantly feel like that kid who joined 6th grade in the middle of the year...

Well thats the thing, i have no problem making friends, i have dozens of them. I just have MAJOR problems in telling that person that i am interested in them, not because i am afraid of rejection, its just that I don't know how. I totally lack any real social skills when it comes down to it. I'm resist even trying, i constantly think i'm going to get rejected or labeled as being desperate.

And its nice to finally meet someone with the same issues I have, i finally feel like i'm not alone anymore!

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Splice
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It certainly does feel kinda good, knowing that there's at least one other person out there who truly understands what you're going through and how you're feeling. Makes it much better to work through things, too!

One piece of advice that my (wonderful, spectacular, awesome!) therapist has given me (repeatedly because it is a hard thing to keep in mind, especially when you're having serious self-doubt issues) is that even though you may feel like everybody's glaring at you, mocking you, judging, whatever... they're not! They've got just as many if not more issues than anybody else and are too worried that other people are staring them down to do it to anyone else!

Also, It may not be so bad that you can't just meander up to some girl and go, "Oh baby, oh baby, I want you! I need you! Oh baby!" Quite frankly... I think it's weird when guys are really up-front about stuff like that. Granted, some chicks may like being with more forward guys but I prefer the mysterious, do-he-like-me? kind of flirtation that you get from some people. It makes things more interesting. Use this to your advantage and go get 'em, tiger! : )

[ 09-18-2008, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: Splice ]

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Ninette
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I'm female, 19 and I'm a virgin! I realize the stigma can be somewhat different for boys than for girls, but nice guys DO NOT finish last. I prefer the nice guys, and most girls do too. Think of it this way: if you wait a bit longer and have sex with a sensitive girl whom you care about, she is going to feel so special that she's the first person you ever had sex with.

I have a very sexually active friend who had lots of boyfriends but later on steadily dated a really quiet, withdrawn sort of guy who was a virgin when they met...she was much more experienced than he was but said that she felt so much closer to him than to her previous boyfriends, like he must have been really attracted to her as a person to have chosen her for his 'first'. I know she felt really valued and appreciated, and admired him for not having lost his virginity to someone he hardly knew or cared about just to 'get rid of it'.

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JamsessionVT
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I'm just going the throw this out there, because I see this quite a bit.

There is nothing wrong with not having had sexual intercourse, at any age. I don't care if you're 19 or 39. There's nothing wrong with it.

I'm 21. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I even dated before I met him. But I still haven't had sex, and it's not for lack of opportunities. It's a personal choice that I made; I decided I wasn't ready physically (though I was emotionally) ready to deal with sex. There's plenty else we do, but my partner has accepted my decision as something I needed to do for myself, and knows when I'm ready, I'll let him know.

Sex is a big thing. So really, it's better to have waited and found someone special that you care tremendously for and share it with them, than do it with the first person you meet.

Part of your disconnection is, and I'm certain, the fact that you don't live on campus. It can be very, VERY hard to get into social situations when the only time you see people is during class. Living around others and having those interactions is part of the college experience, and while not having them isn't terribly, it certainly doesn't seem to be doing you much good socially.

Is there any way that you could move on campus, perhaps not this year but next year? Is there a particular reason you aren't living on campus this year, and making a haul to get to class everyday?

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chris619
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i feel disconnected from my college because i have no idea whats going on outside of my classes. Every time i talk to one of my friends, they always talk about stuff that happened in the dorms, at a bar, or some party...i just feel left out. They don't really invite me to any parties or anything, and i think it would be very rude if I invited myself or asked to join them.

Thanks for the great advice, but i just have no idea what to say to a girl i'm interested in. All i talk about with my friends at school is mostly about classes and about school generally. I would feel stupid saying " that test was hard, wanna go out?" lol. Even if i did manage to go out with her, i don't know what i would talk about with her. My interests are DEFINITELY outside of what girls my age would usually do, and i believe our conversation would end VERY quickly. I just don't know how to approach the situation and express my interests in a way that I would not come across like a creep or anything.

Thanks again for your advice, it will undoubtedly be useful in finding a date [Smile]

EDIT: i am attending an out of state college, where tuition is 7k for residents, and 20k for out of staters. The dorm for 1 year costs about 10K, which would force my parents to pay about 30,000 a year for my school, which i could not ask them to do. I would love to be able to live at my school, but the 40K my parents would save could get them a brand new car, and there is no way i can make them give that up in order to have a life. Some people say that college is the best years of their life, but for me so far, its been my worst ever...

[ 09-18-2008, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: chris619 ]

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orca
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chris, have you looked into financial aid? Most people will pay for at least part of their college tuition themselves, and especially with the economy as crappy as it is right now, a lot of parents just can't afford to pay for college for their kids all on their own. For instance, I'm on a pretty big scholarship at a private college, and my parents pay for some of the remainder of the tuition and books, but I still have sizeable student loans since it's just unfair for me to ask my parents to pay for all of the remainder when they're so close to retirment. You picked to go out of state, no one forced you to do that, so it's only fair to take up some of the financial burden yourself. You can even do AmeriCorps for a little while after college (or even during your summers) and they'll pay off some of the student loans.

Also, if you sign up to become an RA (resident assistant), many colleges let RA's dorm for free, or at the very least for a much reduced cost. You also get your own room and sometimes your own bathroom as an RA. You have to have really good grades and be active on campus in order to be a good candidate, but you can be active just by joining a few clubs and attending the meetings once in a while. Oh yeah, and offer to be a tour guide for prospective students if you can.

Also, I would try and not make generalizations about what girls your age think about or talk about. People don't think about the same things all the time since our experiences tend to guide us in our thoughts. It sounds like you aren't really giving your peers much credit, either. Sure, sometimes the people in my classes will talk about a party they went to, but that's not ALL they talk about. Sometimes it's just a leeway into talking about something else, and you never know, maybe they're just as nervous as you are about talking to other people.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Splice
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Is there any way you could move closer to campus? Things like this tend to vary from school to school but, there should be at least some apartments nearby that have lease specials for students.

Since you say you have decent connections with people around school, would you be comfortable asking one of your guy (or even girl) friends to try and hook you up with somebody? I'm sure your interests can't be all that strange; there's bound to be at least a couple other people around with similar interests.

Do you happen to have a job or do things outside of school? I just got a job in a coffee shop and have been meeting sweet, cute guys out the wazoo the past week or so. Perhaps you just need to make yourself get out more often. . . ?

I hate to generalize but, I obviously don't know the situation as well as you do. Hopefully I haven't offended you or anything.

And, about the tuition thing, I totally understand tough financial situations. I'm starting school at a community college for pete's sake! : )

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Penwords
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Hi Chris,

I know a couple of people who live off campus who have made really close ties by joining clubs. It's a social situation with a purpose, so there's less awkward "well, what do we talk about" then with a party, but you still meet lots of people. One of them has a 70 mile commute too, but crashes at club members apartments regularily so that if a meeting runs late, he can still attend.

Study groups might also be a good place to look if your trying to connect with people. Granted, you probably wouldn't want to small-talk the whole time, but in my study groups, sometimes everyone ends up grabbing a bite to eat after the serious work is done.

And as for being 19, and a virgin, don't sweat it! There's plenty of variation from the mode. If it makes you feel better, the guy I'm absolutely crazy about now was very sheltered (homeschooled for all but his last year of highschool) and didn't have his first kiss until a few weeks before he turned twenty. And I promise, there's nothing wrong with him.

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tbelle
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I'm not going to add all of my story, but I will say that 19 isn't really that old to have not had sex. I personally don't understand how people can wind up having sex under that age. Now, I'd say if you're in your early to mid 20's THEN that might be considered delaying it a bit. But even still, think about people who wait until marriage! That's an awfully long time to wait, and they seem able to deal with it [Smile] .

I tell this to myself all the time. Think about all of the (potential) headaches you are avoiding by not having sex. STDs, getting someone pregnant, or getting dumped by someone and feeling "used". Those are all scary experiences and I'm glad that I haven't had to go through them. Also think about the fact that even if you did "lose it", what actual tangible difference does that really make? No one will be able to tell that you did or that you didn't. How does that even affect the rest of your every-day social encounters?

If you're concerned about how to come off to girls, believe me, LOTS of girls prefer a guy like you rather than a smooth-talking Don Juan who is "experienced". The girl that you do share this huge experience with will appreciate and value you so much more and will know that there is more to you beneath the surface.

I would say just looking for a relationship with the opposite sex is the most important thing to be thinking about right now. I'm going to admit that I have had a few similar issues with my own social life that you just described, Chris. I would focus on trying to be more personable with girls and "laid-back". Don't worry so much about what they are thinking and try to remain cheerful and positive. If they can sense your "zen" energy, they will be much more likely to take a liking to you. Heck, they might even start flirting with YOU instead of the other way around.

Hope some of this helps a bit.

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chris619
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wow thanks a lot everyone for your responses!

I will definitely look into joining some clubs, and try to get a job on campus.


Thanks again for all the advice, i will hopefully post here again with any success stories [Smile]

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