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Author Topic: depressed about lies
sadandconfused
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Member # 39217

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Please help me. I am slowly losing my mind. My boyfriend is 22. When he was 19, he dated a girl who was 15, whom he had lost his virginity to. When he and I met, he told me that his ex was around his age. I was curious, of course, that's why I asked. Eventually, I became more and more curious about his relationship with her (I had already showed him photos of my previous boyfriends, and he knew a lot about my relationships -- all things which he had inquired), so I asked to see a picture of her. He said, no. I asked to see her Myspace (silly, I know, but he had seen both of my exes, so I figured -- what the hey. What could be wrong with that?) and, again,
he said no.

Eventually, I dug and dug until I found her profile (Actually, he gave me a ton of information -- it was easy to find her). I found out she was a lot younger than he said she was. I eventually became sneakier and sneakier, trying to make him admit his lie. He even went so far as to create a fake profile to cover himself! About a week after the fake profile incident, I confronted him. He cried, I cried. We almost broke up. We decided that we would try and get past it, and we did.

In the meantime of all of this, he had admitted that he hadn't had sex as much as I was led to believe he had. He said he told me all of that because I originally said I did not want to be with a virgin (I, myself, was a virgin and had been used unsuccessfully by two virgins before I met him).
He said that he "got it in" once, and then she jumped off of him. And that was that. They never had sex. He admits to losing his virginity, but he says that's how he lost it.

Now, every day, it's like a battle. I am constantly torn as to whether or not to believe what he says. I feel like he ended up telling me that he only had sex once because he realized how much I valued my virginity. We used to argue because we both were upset over each other's pasts
and resented each other for things -- and I feel like he just said that to shut me up. Now, I feel like I'd rather just believe had tons of sex with her rather than believe he is a far-fetched liar.

I searched (stalkerish, I know) for his ex's xanga and found an entry with a survey that said
"Have you had sex in the past month" and she said yes. So, if she counted the one time he penetrated her as sex, maybe he wasn't a liar. But, I don't see why she'd put yes if his story is true.

It's not the fact what he lied about, it's the fact that I am afraid he is a liar. I don't like having sex with him anymore and I constantly doubt the relationship.

I have begged and begged for him to come clean and tell me he has had a normal sex life, but he swears up and down he's telling the truth NOW.

[ 07-08-2008, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: sadandconfused ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sadandconfused, have you posted about this here before under another handle? Mind, it's not like you'd be the first person in this situation, but we've had another user before who posted something pretty nearly identical to this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sadandconfused
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Member # 39217

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Yes, I am very sorry! I have posted about this a long time ago, but I have not used that email account and all of my passwords on my computer have been erased, so I can't remember any of them.

Sorry I made a new user name, but I was trying for days to access the other one and I couldn't.

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Heather
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No, it's okay, I just wanted to know if I was going to be talking to the same person in the same situation.

Knowing that now, it sounds like this has remained an issue for quite some time, and that this guy's dishonesty -- and your valid lack of full trust in him -- remains a problem.

Have you been able to address finding this last discrepancy with him? And to make clear that breached of truth and trust are not a fixed problem, but still a very big issue?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sadandconfused
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No, Heather. I can't admit that I'm obsessive about this and I've resorted to sneaking around his ex's journals from when she was 15! I sound like a MANIAC just saying typing that.

If I did confront him, he would twist it around and have an answer for it. He would say "WELL, WE DID HAVE SEX -- the ONE time I told you I did!" and then I would just look crazy for snooping.

He has offered to send her a message, asking her why she only let him have sex with her once ... just so I could see for myself -- but I said no, that would be a horrible idea and would only cause trouble ... but now... I really wish he would.

I don't know. Am I crazy for being bothered by this? I just feel like I am with a liar. I am slowly losing my love for him, and I feel like I can't escape him. Every time I try to get away, he just cries and cries and tells me how much he loves me, etc.

I can hardly stand to kiss him, let alone make love with him anymore. I don't know what I should do.

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Heather
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Thing is, trust goes both ways. If you aren't going to be truthful, not only is it not reasonable to expect him to be, but it's also going to be no wonder that trust will remain an issue in your relationship.

I hear you: he lied a lot, so you started snooping and digging. You both have engaged in behavior which is counter to real trust, and to some degree, you've both behaved badly. But however uncomfortable that is to address, doing so is a building block of trust.

I don't think you are crazy, everything considered, for having continued issues with this. And if he remains manipulative in the way he addresses these issues, it's sound to have those continued issues.

Too, if you want to leave and feel unable to leave -- especially by a whole new kind of manipulation -- that's another issue and a biggie. Relationships ALWAYS need to be a choice: being guilt-tripped into staying isn't healthy.

I hear you saying -- and correct me if I am mistaken -- that you're just done with this. Your trust is gone and has been for a while, physical interactions repulse you, you're not really making progress in fixing things (despite trying for a very long time now) and you feel coerced into staying. All of that reads a very understandable done to me. And if you're done, then it's time to move on. he can love you or be upset by your leaving, but staying in an unhealthy relationship isn't good for anyone, and just because someone loves us does not oblige us to stay in a relationship with them that's crap for us.

[ 07-08-2008, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sadandconfused
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I hear what you're saying. At this point, the fact that I've snooped so much is a huge embarrassment to me; I was never that way before I met him.

I'm never going to know if he only had sex with her once. I wasn't there. It just sounds like the biggest lie I've ever heard in my life. It is so far-fetched.

I know I'm guilty, too.

Part of me is hanging onto him because I lost my virginity to him. My virginity is something I always kind of pictured myself saving for marriage, so I wanted to try and make it work. It's hard, when he swears up and down he's telling the truth about something that sounds absolutely ludicrous.

I guess I am kind of done, in a lot of ways. I just have a small drop of hope left.

I also think this lie is the root to most of our problems, honestly. Do you think I should allow him to contact her about that issue? Or do you think that's too -- well CRAZY? He said he'd do it, if it made me feel better. I don't know if it's just talk or not. The reason I told him not to is because she still talks to some of his friends and I am afraid she will pull this (IF TRUE) embarrassing circumstance out into the light for him and make him look like he hasn't been able to get over it -- since it's been three years.

I don't know, though. I'm pretty much learning toward... it's a lie! He's good at sex (I mean, I guess he is. I was a virgin) and if he really never did it, wouldn't be somewhat bad or awkward?

[ 07-08-2008, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: sadandconfused ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think it might be helpful to you to really evaluate if somehow, it makes things better for you per the ideas you have about sex and virginity, to stay in any relationship where you don't have trust, you're not happy, and you feel manipulated. If so, how? As in, really, be it in conversation here, or just for yourself, how does that benefit you, and how does it honor your ideas about picturing yourself saving sex for marriage (especially since marriage isn't even a factor here: you're not married that I know of, nor did you save sex for marriage)?

Would you want a marriage that looked and felt like this? Would it make it better if you had one and had saved sex for it? Why?

What benefits and healthy parts of this relationship remain for you? How often do you feel good -- really good -- in it compared to how often it feels crummy?

It might also help to envision a different life and relationship for yourself right now, and kind of see yourself in it. Would your life be improved or lesser by either being with a partner you could trust, who didn't have a history of lying to you and emotionally manipulating you, and where all these dynamics were not at play, or even being without a boyfriend right now, but living your own single life without all of this?

I also want to encourage yourself to give you a break. Distrust and lying and sneaking is kind of like a boomerang. When one person tosses that stuff out there, it often starts flying back and forth because it's an unhealthy dynamic and it's tough to keep the healthy stuff going in the context of the unhealthy stuff. That's not to say we can't choose to behave differently, too, we can, but it is to say that it's very common not to, or to find yourself behaving in kind, or reactively, and then realize later that's not how you would have preferred to act.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You added your additional questions after I'd replied.

I think that communication with his ex is so unlikely to even be fruitful it will just be nonproductive. She could lie just like he could lie, and I'm guessing that no matter what she said, that's not likely to make you trust him any more. (I also have this funny feeling he is probably bluffing in the first place, and even if not, just because you know about this one ex doesn't mean he didn't have others.)

In terms of how "good" someone is at sex? It really depends. You two have been together a long time, so by now, I'd hope you both knew each other pretty well and that sex was pretty darn decent. Even right off the bat, whether sex is awkward or not can be about way more than just if we have done it before. I've had awkward sex with partners sometimes when we both have had WAY more than one previous partners, because our chemistry was off, the mood wasn't right, one of us was ill or tired, we both just liked very different things, you name it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68236 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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