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Author Topic: A long distance relationship issue...I would really appreciate some advice
Kimare
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Member # 38878

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I have been dating my boyfriend for one year and a few months now, and we are both going to be sophomores this coming fall. His college is 2 and a half hours away from mine. Soon after we finished high school and moved to different colleges, we started drifting apart. He was quick to adjust to his new life, and nearly all of his time is spent absorbed in his own agendas. I, on the other hand, still place very high priority in our relationship and try to devote as much time to it as is possible without ruining my studies or social life, as I strongly believe that extra effort is what is needed to keep a long-distance relationship going. He has a different perspective on this; for him, as long as we are mutually aware of our commitment to each other and keep the feelings intact, it is okay to put aside the relationship for a bit while we are busy living our separate lives, and then make up for it whenever we meet up.

He is very ambitious academically, and is active and studious, all of which I am very glad for, but I constantly feel that I am being left behind. He now only thinks of me at the very end of the day, when he has absolutely nothing else to think about, and only when I call him before his bedtime will he prolong a conversation with me. If I call at any other time, he will tell me that he is busy studying, watching TV, working on his computer, or playing games, and thus our conversation will end at that. I also have noticed in the past couple of months that he never calls or IMs me first anymore, even though he is online most of the day. I always have to initiate any kind of contact. If I don't initiate contact for several days, then there is no communication whatsoever.

Our conversations, whether on phone or online, grow increasingly short. He often seems uninterested; a lot of the time when I say things he would merely go "Mm." in reply. When I try to talk to him about this, he tells me that he has nothing to talk about, or that he's not the kind of person to make small talk. I doubted his words since I remember well how he was once very sweet and talkative in the old days when we were still living in the same town. Still, he tries to assure me that this is simply how he is, and that his feelings for me hasn't changed.

In general, I give him a good night call once or twice a week (as he doesn't like frequent phonecalls), and I try to IM him several times a week for short bits of conversation, although I want to do so much more. It's almost as if he wants to maintain a long distance relationship, but without the hard work involved. The more I discuss this with him, the more it leads me to think that he's not even ready for a relationship; he's in a stage of life where he's simply busy moving forward and making progress. I feel that I'm doing all the worrying that our relationship might not work out, and I'm getting very exhausted.

However, he comes and visits me once or twice a month for 2-3 days at a time. The strange thing is that, whenever we meet he is still the same sweet person I used to know. He is caring and kind and loving, and every time he comes over I would be reminded that he still loves me very much. I just wish that he would be as affectionate when we are apart as when we are together. I have tried to talk this over with him many times; he knows well what our problem is, yet doesn't seem to actively work at fixing it. But at the same time he is afraid of losing me, as he said a couple of times. I personally still love him very much, but this difference in our perspectives is wearing me down day by day. There are times I felt I should just drop everything, at least for now. What should I do?

Posts: 1 | From: MI | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
okiegirl
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Member # 38893

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Im currently in a long distance relationship too, the only difference is its just for the summer, and we met at college and were together 2 months before summer vacation separated us. I understand how hard it can be to live separate lives while still trying to keep the other one involved. To me however if my boyfriend couldn't at least make the effort to call or text or instant message me, I wouldn't either. While you may love your guy, you have to decide for your self if its worth those 3 days a month to be loved and ignored the rest of the time. Maybe what you should do is stop contacting him and move on with you life, if he wants to talk to you he can make the effort. If he wants to know why you stopped tell him your tired of being the only one who cares. If however he doesn't then you know that you should move on. Well thats what I would do anyways
Posts: 4 | From: texas | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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