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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Again, I know.

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Author Topic: Again, I know.
ITurnedIntoAMartian
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Member # 27777

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Ok so one day my gf gives me a call about how she wants a break i keep asking why and if this means were together or not. She said she doesn't know and such and guesses it is. Next day after school I ask her why she is doing this and she says she's confused and stressed out about something. Turns out she thought that being with and breaking up with me would help her figure stuff out. She then tells me she is sad and wants to go back but feels she gain something from this.

She starts to cry a bit and I tell her don't cry and if this is what you then well do it. I start feeling mad and wanting her. I keep thinking about how she is and what she is doing. It was buggin alot. On the next day we sat down and really got down to what was her problem. Turns out she just wanted a break, which meant she wanted space from me. (I was around her and spent my weekends with her all the time.)

So I said ok and I asked if you really wanted to break up. She said no I didn't but I made it that way and she said she felt like crying a few times in class. So I proposed if she wanted to be together again and I told her only if she wanted to. She said yes and that was it.

Sometimes I feel empty around her and think about if I made the right decesion but it was until friday and thurs. I felt happy. I was feeling good around her. But I noticed I don't want to see her as much as I used or I don't know like everything seems natural now. I know the whole break up thing made me feel stronger for her but i dunno if I was making the right decesion. I have been thinking about her alot. Sometimes i feel i don't really want to hang out and sometimes i feel this strong feeling deep inside and it feels good when i think about her.

I don't know if I like her the way i used to or more. I know the whole break thing messed things up. I don't really want to lose her. She has been a good gf to and had what I wanted for in a women. The specifics too. So why do I sometimes feel like mehh sometimes? Why do I still wait for her to call and see if she is online? I would flip a coin alot about this.

But when am with her things seem so natural. I mean I wanted and got her ( I really wanted to be around her when we had the break) I guess I got over it. My friend told from his 4 year experienced in a relationship that we might break up a few more times and we will stay together. But his relationship is so strange.

I feel something strong about her and I don't know if it means what it means I don't really know what love is and sometimes i don't know if am making the right decesion. But I remember getting together that one day and we spent five hours just talking like we used to again just like how we were. I don't know if i could talk with a girl that long and be so interested. Sometimes i hope i will see her when am waiting for her before school starts. I start feeling these things for her but sometimes i get doubtful but i don't want to leave.

Is a break what we needed? I am giving her space now and I know she wants me to come sometimes.

Why am I thinking about it so much? I know in my past relationships I didn't really like some of my gf but it was more easier to break up with them and this one now is tough and I think about it and I don't want to. I feel that I just would never have those things i really enjoyed with anyone else. Sometimes i think, " Man what am I doing? " and i feel great and happy.

Posts: 29 | From: Cali | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Given the history of this relationship, I'm seeing a pattern of you being uncertain about it pretty often. It seems like she's also shared those feelings herself.

Personally, when you start to see a lot of make-up/breakup going back and forth, it does usually tend to be a good sign that something just isn't working and a given relationship or model of relationship isn't the right thing. As well, when someone wants time off or asks for it, it is best to really take it, not leap right back in after that request when a person is in that initial stage of missing someone or feeling out what life outside the relationship is like. Why not both take a real break?

Is there a reason why you two seem to keep trying the same relationship model? In other words, have you tried just being friends and seeing how that feels? or a more open relationship where you're not seriously committed or monogamous.... going back to starting with dating rather than jumping right into something more serious?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ITurnedIntoAMartian
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Well that was how the break thing she wanted was.
I know I didn't like it much at all and made me want her. I knew she didn't like the friends idea either. We really couldn't see each other that way. I know she started to grow deeper feelings for me but right I think its me. I asked her if she felt confused and or anything else. She told me no.

I knew she wasn't trying to break up with me and I took it that way and the choice messed things up a bit. I know she wasn't trying to break up with me to go with other guys but to think about things. Sometimes I think i rushed it and made things worse. But why do I feel great around her when we are about? I know this is different because I don't always want to be around her 24/7. I know my clingyness ruined a relationship i really enjoyed. It made me realize that my always wanting to be around the person is too much for them. I know my parents and her parents said we should take a break from each other for a bit but we didn't.

I think the thing is we just want to be right when where in this relationship. I know am not interested in other women and I know she isn't either.

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Heather
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Not sure how to help then, because I feel like I'm hearing you saying two different things: you and she both have clearly expressed a pattern of NOT wanting to be "right where you are in this relationship," as frequently as you seem to have expressed wanting to be there.

By all means, we can feel differently away from someone than we can with them: it can be a bit easier sometimes to evaluate a relationship with a little bit of distance which is why, given the history, I can see that taking a real break for a real while might be something to really talk about. I'd also suggest both of you being honest about the apathy you're sometimes feeling with this relationship so that it's something you can both really address, rather than skate around.

I want to also add that friendship really is the foundation of ANY kind of healthy relationship. So, if you're both finding it difficult to see yourselves as friends -- just to see it, even if you want to be lovers as well -- that's another thing to take a good look at. Friendship doesn't mean shallower feelings, either. We can feel just as deeply for friends as we can for lovers.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ITurnedIntoAMartian
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What does a break mean anyway? We should go on with our lives and see other people?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It may or may not mean seeing other people: if neither of you has interest in seeing others, there's no need for that. Plus, since it seems like you're both trying to figure out what you want and this is all very intense, it probably isn't the best time for dating, period.

Instead, sounds to me like just taking a couple of weeks for yourselves, for the rest of your lives, and to have the distance to figure out how you both really feel about this without the drama would be a good idea. You might want to check in with a phone call once a week, but it's also fine not to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ITurnedIntoAMartian
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Thanks Heather I will tell her this tommorow in person better.

Im feeling stonger and better about this. I feel happy now. Like thinking about her for some reason, whats this mean?

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ITurnedIntoAMartian
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What I mean was I was happy and felt good thinking about her. I even jumped when I thought she was here. Why is it my feelings waver like this.

Maybe some space and privacy time is what we need not sure. What do you think about it now?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Same as I thought about it before. You have feelings which are yo-yoing all over the place that you're clearly confused about and have been for some time.

So, you clearly need to think about all of this and find a way that you really can do that. It's not something, alas, we can do for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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By the by, if you haven't seen this already, you may want to have a read: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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