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Author Topic: Relationship with myself?
Selkie
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I think this is the right place ^_^

I first came here, oh, maybe a year ago, then left, and now I'm back. Long story, Hi again to Heather and anyone else who might still be around!


Anyways, I'm having (had? not sure) some issues with myself, with people... it's sorta complicated.


Until about two weeks back, for the past month or so, I had seriously considered suicide, but at the same time, I didn't know WHY I was thinking about it. So, in a way, that stopped my hand, and the night where I was thinking about it the most seriously, I was saved by my parents watching TV. I didn't want them to know I was thinking about such things, so I didn't do it. In a way, I didn't want to cause them grief, as much as I knew they'd come to grief if I killed myself. Finally, the thoughts started to subside until recently.

I was at the end of year ceremonies, and I won something. I was really happy, got a ribbon and a mystery box. Someone next to me won an exact same prize, but for a very slightly different reason.

Now, I was happy for everyone, and we were opening our boxes later, and everyone was crowding around her, and no one around me, even though we both had mystery objects that were the same. At that point it really hit me: I was very lonely. This person wasn't particularly popular, but still, it rankled that no one said congratulations, or anything.

So on that happening, I became very depressed again, and spent that night crying. Now I'm back to hating myself, for being smart, for being European (Eg, different from everyone else - I go to school in the states), and basically, hating myself for not being able to stand up for myself in the past (I had been bullied) and so I developed an "ice heart" in a way, to shield myself, and I really regret it.

I try reaching out to people on a fairly regular basis, but they don't like me it seems, and I really don't know what to do. I try opening up myself to people, but almost always when I "defrost" and really open myself up, I end up getting stabbed in the back, so to speak, and it's just becoming harder and harder to open up, and I don't want to be lonely.


Help?


Oh, and I'm almost 17 (As an age referance), and I really don't want to talk to anyone about this, online and books is where I feel truly safe. I have a good friend online, who's 6 years older than I am, but at times it just doesn't seem to replace having someone with me.

[ 06-03-2008, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Selkie ]

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"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Selkie
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Member # 33078

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Oh, I was told to try social activities, but I don't really know any... could someone help me on that as well please?

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Selkie, it's nice to see you again. [Smile]

I'm really glad that you were able to hang in there. Suicidal feelings are very tough to manage, and they can feel so intense sometimes that hanging on to life can be awfully hard, especially at times when you feel very alone, misunderstood, underappreciated or socially isolated. It's hard work to get through that, so I hope that you can give yourself some credit for bearing it out.

I also know how it can feel to essentially build a wall around yourself which seems like a protection and a comfort at first, but at some point, feels like a pretty scary kind of prison you don't know how to break out of.

Can you fill me in on more of what's happening when you do forge social contacts? How are you getting stabbed in the back? What's been going on?

As far as social activities, what are your interests these days?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Selkie
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Well... I'm sorta quite at school, don't really talk much except when I'm asked for help, or need to discuss school work. I find it really hard to talk about other things with people, I just don't know what to say.

Opening up is when I start talking about other things, relax, and tell people stuff, and just try to be normally interactive, and I give people my trust.

I feel stabbed when they just betray my trust, either by spouting secrets, talking behind my back, and ganging up against me.

Ummm.... books? Math?

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Does your local library have any volunteer opportunities? Many do. As a book-lover myself, I always have found libraries some of the most comforting places in the world, and librarians are awesome people.

Sometimes, when you do something somewhere where you have a common interest, you'll connect with people gradually, over pretty un-loaded benign things first, like, say, what books you love. Then, over time you might both divulge a bit more, get closer, but in that gradual process, you get time to build trust, and feel it out as you go, so it's a lot less scary than kind of tossing it out there in a big lump, or getting to know someone by divulging secrets you'd really not share with someone you haven't had some real time to trust and find out if they're trustworthy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Selkie
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Right right, And I tried doing that, n in the end, she went with her friends, n weren't nice... oh well, I'll look into the library again ^_^ Thank you for your help Heather

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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She?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Selkie
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The most recent person I tried to open up to, about 3 months ago...

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One thing to bear in mind is that when we're suicidal, depressed, or really lonely, sometimes our character judgment isn't as good as it could be. So, it can be a little more likely -- and it obviously is a horrid irony -- that the people we choose to get close to in those kinds of headspaces aren't the best people to get close to.

Like I said, I know it sucks -- I've been there, and got hurt really horribly and exploited badly more than once in my teens when I was in a similar space -- but it's how it goes sometimes.

How are you managing these feelings and depression? Are you seeing any kind of counselor to help you out?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67131 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Selkie
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Member # 33078

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No, I'm keeping it private, and to myself, I don't want other people knowing.

Ummm.... I do have one very good friend online, and I talk with her a lot. Sorta helps the cycle though =\


That, and being here I guess.. and my math n books ^_^

I've been obsessed with those two since an early age, ever since first grade when I discovered books ^_^ Never really developed the social skills I guessed

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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