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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend Staying the Night, Disrespectful to Parents

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Author Topic: Boyfriend Staying the Night, Disrespectful to Parents
Member # 24641

Icon 1 posted      Profile for wyntermidnite     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My boyfriend and I are both 19, live with our parents and going to community college. Both of our parents go to bed early. My parents are generally okay with knowing we’re together in my room after they go off to bed as long as there is no noticeable monkey business going on. As long as he’s gone by the time they wake up, we’re cool. So we either have sex or cuddle (or both) and fall asleep together a few times a week at my house with an alarm set for 1 or 2 in the morning so he can go home.

It’s so nice to cuddle and fall asleep together, but when the alarm goes off it wakes me up immediately. He takes a good 30 minutes to come into a state where he feels okay enough to drive, most of which he spends in a state that I would call sleep. I can’t get back to sleep until he leaves because without my talking to him to help wake him up he doesn’t wake up. (it’s happened before, and causes me a lot of stress.) I usually say positive things like “I love you” and “You’re sexy” to get him more awake because if I say things like “It’s time to go now” or “are you awake yet?” he gets annoyed and says he’s not awake enough to drive, but pretty much stays in his asleep mode for 20 minutes and then gets up, gets his things together and goes. If I urge him to go faster he gets really annoyed and leaves mad, but during the 20 minutes of laying next to him completely awake, unable to sleep I can get really annoyed, especially if I have something to do in the morning and resent losing that ½ hour of sleep.

I can’t think of many solutions that are positive. What I feel like doing most nights when he doesn’t leave and I’m completely awake is never letting him stay over again, because it puts me into a cranky mood. Sometimes if we fall asleep on the couch and it’s time for him to go I go to my bed and leave him there after the alarm initially wakes us both up. Usually my dad finds him at 3 or 4 in the morning and wakes him up and says it’s time to go home, which embarrasses me, but not nearly as much as it would for him to find us in my bed together (which is why I stay up to wake him up.) My dad seems to think it’s kind of funny that he falls asleep on the couch, but if he doesn’t get home by 4 his parents are up and they know he’s been at my house all night. I’m not embarrassed because we have sex but because I really want to live by their rules since we still live in their houses, and his parents rule is he must be home by the time they wake up. I want to be very respectful and look good in his parents eyes, but it’s hard when he disrespects their rules by being with me. What do you think I should do?

Posts: 70 | From: Fullerton, CA, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 35643

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Could you plan your 'monkey business' for the daytime and just sleep separately at your respective houses?

If its really important that you guys sleep together at night one or both of you could move out of home. But while youre living at home, i think its a good idea to respect your parents rules.

Sounds like youre losing sleep and getting cranky with the current situation, and it isnt worth it to keep going like this.

[ 04-11-2008, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37639

Icon 1 posted      Profile for princesspolly     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To me it definitely sounds like your boyfriend is being disrespectful. The fact that it clearly isn't working for you, that you have to wake him up and be inconvenienced by staying awake until he's ready to wake up seems completely unfair.

if you can't just explain how you are feeling to him (which would be the best option), then can you not maybe make an excuse for why he has to go straight away? (you have work to do tomorrow? or your parents arent happy with how late he stays?) or suggest setting the alarm earlier so that he has definitely left by 1am? (that might encourage him to wake up more quickly, if he has the prospect of less time in bed with you).

hope you sort this out because, as eryn says, it cant carry on like this. good luck.

Posts: 4 | From: england | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37371

Icon 1 posted      Profile for sundial     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
if you plan to snooze together on the couch, at least you can go to bed right away after the alarm rings and hopefully fall back asleep right away. Your boyfriend should take responsibility for getting himself off the couch and home (try a snooze alarm). As a last resort your dad will wake him up. Maybe once he realizes that you are not going to do this for him, he will take care of it himself.
Posts: 47 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 24641

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Thanks guys, you make me feel really validated in my concerns. He doesn't think it's a problem at all, but then again our views on authority and responsibility are very different. It's never a problem when we lay down to cuddle, it's nice and sweet, but then a few hours later I just get so frustrated. I think I need to sit down and talk with him about it now that I feel more confident that it's a problem worth making a bigger deal about. We're usually good with talking things out, I just have a hard time figuring out what battles to pick and which ones to let slide because I have problems expressing myself when i'm angry and frustrated, or knowing when my anger is justified.
Posts: 70 | From: Fullerton, CA, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36719

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Some people do just take a long time to wake up, and they themselves can have a hard time doing a whole lot about it. One thing that might be an option is setting the alarm for a little earlier so that he can have his time to get up, and still get out at a decent time.
Posts: 74 | From: Austin, Tx | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27966

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Personally, I think erin_smiles had the simplest solution to the problem too- just don't sleep! [Smile] My partner and I would love to get the chance to snooze together at either of our places, but we don't, because we have all the same issues that you guys do when we do it. For us, we decided it was better to just do our business and then call it a night, and sleep in our own beds.


Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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