Good evening everyone. As you likely can guess from the title of this thread, I am having some trouble in my relationship. This relationship has been going on nearly two years, and we had known each other for approximately a year before that.
When we started dating, we were long distance. I worked weekends, so I would take work off whenever I could and bus up, as well as spend a lot of time together in the summer. We were great friends, talked a lot, and very easily, all the time.
Just 8 months ago, we both started University at a University far away (approximately 8400 kilometres). On that trip, several things happened. We left late due to some vehicle troubles, which resulted in a lot of stress for both her and her parents, since we were on a tight schedule.
I learned that she has severe depression, had seen numerous psychologists, and had trouble all through highschool and public school. These things had been alluded to numerous times in the past. She's seen numerous psychologists. None of these things would be concerning at all.
However, on the trip, she would constantly fight with her parents. When we got to the campgrounds, she would run off. She hit me once (non-consensually) which frightened and angered me a lot (since she is trained in karate).
Over first term, we had a lot of troubles. I had a heavier course load then I ever have had, worked a part time job, and participated in many extra-curricular activities. I am outgoing and highly extraverted. This was the first time we had opportunities to spend time with each other, and she attempted to spend every free moment with me. I would have school work, and she would suggest I do it later. Or, I would do it, but she would insist on being there, saying she'd work, but we ended up distracting each other.
She used to take nightly walks with her father. She wanted me to replace that duty, but where we live now is rainy and colder, and despite bundling myself up, often nights were quite wet or cold, and I would insist on a short walk. This always ended up in arguments, since she liked to walk for an hour to an hour and a half, where I am not a fan of long walks --- I jog/play soccer/fence, and like to move quicker because I get cold easily otherwise (low body fat).
Her depression continues, and she hates her room-mate, talking about "oppressive feeling of gloomyness" and how she can never spend any time in her room --- which translates into spending all her time in my room. When she is in my room, she wants her music to be played (Celtic Rock) which she loves, and insists she can’t listen to in her room because she doesn’t like head-phones and her room-mate won’t let her play, but it means I can’t play the music I love (independent rock and pop). She also had a lighter course load than I did, including three classes that involved no out of class work, which means she has a ton of free time, while I have very little. She had a panic attack, which undeniably freaked me out, and we argued a lot about getting her to see a psychologist. She insisted she was getting better on her own, but to me, who has never seen her like this, it was not so evident.
Another place where we frequently conflict is sex. She frequently desires it (which, of course, isn't wrong), and I, due to school stresses, lack of time and relationship stresses, was less interested. The end result was that we would play about twice a month, which upset her extremely. She would constantly pressure me to scene with her even if I had work to do, and whenever I had five minutes to myself, it was in her mind, time for a quick spanking. Furthermore, sex involves a massive energy output from me, and very little from her, and frankly, she rarely inspires me with her constant requests and pressure.
Next semester, things remain much the same. We start getting used to being together, she spends more time with her friends, but her depression seems to be getting worse. All previous term she would insult me, or swear at me, or generally put me down, and this term it has recently gotten much worse. I frequently get the sense that what I want is irrelevant to her. She likes to sleep in the same bed as me, but I find it uncomfortable, since they are small single beds, and there really isn't that much room. I assert myself, and she yells about how I don't love or care about her at all.
So we end up fighting, and whenever we argue, her solution is to ignore me until I apologize to her, which I find very upsetting, and is quite uncomfortable, because we share many of the same friends. So we'll all be sitting at a table, and she will be ranting about how men are stupid pigs and horrible.
Whenever anything bad happens, she spirals down and gets really depressed, and it always comes to me to handle her depression. She does silly things that everyone finds annoying (stealing food/food cards/drinks at dinner, passing them around behind peoples backs), which of course, was funny the first week or two, but since has gotten old. Then she gets really upset when people indicate annoyance, and it falls to me to try to bring her up. I try to sit down with her and tell her how upset and how hard I find this, but she just gets defensive and starts to shrink down as much as possible as if I'm abusing her, and it makes me feel really sick. Or she gets really angry and starts yelling at me, and sometimes I yell back, which upsets me. For example, she has lost her meal card five times now, and every time, she gets extremely upset for several days or a week, yelling or being snide when seeing me, yelling at herself. She is incredibly disorganized and forgetful --- she has lost her watch several times, which leads to similar her being upset, which turns into her whining at me, something which I do not have endless patience for. Yet, when I try to turn her away, she always gets extremely upset, and accuses me of not loving her, and pressures me into letting her stay in my room, because she insists she can't spend time in her room because it feels evil.
She used to do karate, which I felt was a good outlet for her anger, but she has stopped, because she has had numerous ankle injuries this term. She does not eat well (due to the school cafeteria), and doesn't make an effort, which results in her being slow to mend.
Last term I went to see a psychologist for help, because I needed help in dealing with her, but it ended up being a drain on my time and rather useless. Now she has started seeing a psychologist, who she said is nice. Some small blessing, I guess.
I am an amateur musician, I sing, and play guitar. I performed at a coffee house a few weeks ago (Skullcrusher Mountain by Jonathan Coultan, if anyone is interested), and she insisted on coming to the performance. Unfortunately, she hates my singing voice, and told me how horrible my performance was after I finished (despite the audience loving it). Every time I mentioned the coffee house to my friends, she got upset, and would say angrily "THAT WAS YESTERDAY STOP BRINGING IT UP." or things to similar ends. When a friend who was there came up to me and told me he thought I did a great job, she interjected "A friend of my in the audience knew the song and hated you for doing such a bad job of it." I will admit, I'm not a perfect musician, but I think I am competent (I'd link to one of my originals available online, but it includes my e-mail address at CBC Radio 3, and that is strictly prohibited on this forum). This really upsets me, and has decreased the amount I work on my music, which I find uncomfortable.
Another conflict in this relationship is when I get to see her (usually at 10 or 11 at night, after spending hours studying, writing essays, working on projects), I’ll say “I’m just coming up for 5 minutes to hug you and say goodnight.” The first thing she does is drag me into her bed, sit on me, and won’t let me go for usually half an hour. I’ll say “I need to go” and she’ll just pull on me. If I don’t come up to say goodnight, she gets really upset, or comes down at midnight after I went to bed to knock and ask if I was still up and see if I was going to say goodnight. Or she’ll come down while I’m doing homework, and distract me, and then when I finish, we’ll cuddle for a bit and I’ll say “alright, I need to get to bed” (I have 8:30 classes, she has 10:30 classes, and she is a bit of an insomniac, so she has no trouble getting up at 7:30 most mornings to meet a big group of us for breakfast). She’ll proceed to refuse to leave, make me drag her, just keep herself on my bed, not respond, pretend to be asleep.
One of the other things she does that really bothers me is she’ll fake a punch. My instincts (terrible, I know) from fencing are to try to move the blow to my arm or legs (since those don’t count as points). She always fakes a punch for my stomach, which means I try to shrink up and get my leg in the way (since I’m not holding a foil to do a proper parry). She doesn’t respond well to this, yelling at how I should flinch back not forward, and once or twice she fails to pull her punch properly and actually hit me. One evening, at approximately 11:15, she hit me right in the groin. I spent 5 minutes writhing in agony, and then I had to spend 40 minutes dealing with her upset and embarrassment for punching me, because she was paralysed with upset and anger at herself for being so stupid. I couldn’t get her to move. I told her I wasn’t angry (I was). I treated for shock. I tried to calm her down, all the while getting more frustrated because I wasn’t in pain anymore and wanted sleep.
She insisted in my joining her in swing dancing, despite it conflicting with improv club, which I love. I used to do jive in highschool, so I know a fair number of neat moves that can be integrated. This upset her, and ever time I dance jive, she gets angry with me. I’m not really certain why. When we dance together, she ignores my leads as much as possible, and even when I am leaning on her to do a certain move, she refuses. Then she rants about how much she loves dancing with the other guys and how I am a terrible lead.
She frequently gets upset for reasons that I can’t see, and tells me I am blind and stupid because I can’t figure out why she is upset. Then a few days later, it gets better, and I still have no idea why she was upset.
I know a lot of this seems trivial - I have written two thousand words, after all, but it just shows how I feel like I am in a relationship which involves me supporting her and her undermining me. Recently, she has started pressuring me to have sex, which I feel I am not ready for, especially not emotionally, with her. She finds me aberrant, and thinks there is something wrong with me because I am 20 and still do not feel ready. I frequently feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to — the majority of my friends are also close to her, and I don’t want to poison their relationship with her (or, I worry they’d side with her over me). Only a few of my friends know about our interest in SM, and I feel that it is an integral enough part in our relationship that I’d have a hard time talking to someone about the relationship without them knowing.
-------------------- 19, male, interested in Sadomasochism (BDSM) and some bisexual tendancies. Posts: 157 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2006
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You're sacrificing your work, your happiness, your health, your wellbeing, your favorite activities all for this girl. You try and encourage her to seek the help she needs that you aren't capable of giving (since you're not a trained therapist), and she refuses and puts the burden on you, furthering the aforementioned issues.
She insults you, she belittles you, and makes you feel guilty for things that are beyond your control, or in her control. On top of that, she's hit you in anger and she "play" hits you, and then insults you when you react.
The biggest red flag for me is her pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with.
I don't see this as a healthy relationship at ALL. My biggest suggestion is to do what's right for YOU. If that's ending the relationship, then so be it.
For reference, here's our Abusive Relationship Checklist. Take a look.  My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily  My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot  My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)  My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down  I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)  I am afraid to say no to sex  My partner threatens me, or has threatened me My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry  I am afraid to disagree with my partner  My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
-------------------- Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.) Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000
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