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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Lost Erections and Hurt Feelings

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Author Topic: Lost Erections and Hurt Feelings
Member # 5972

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OK, My guy (22) and I (21) have been having sex for about 2 months. At first, the sex was great, he seemed so into me, and like he really desired me. When he kissed me, it was almost ferocious. I loved it. But lately (the last two weeks or so) we've been having problems. It used to be that when we kissed and just started the foreplay, he was rock hard almost instantly. Then it seemed like he could last forever, and like he was really enjoying it. Once, he lost his erection, but we were able to get it back up, and carried on just fine. Afterward, that evening, he explained to me that he had to "distance himself" to keep from coming too soon. Which was fine, I told him that he should come whenever he felt the urge, that I was OK with shorter sessions. Which was fine, and it didn't happen again for a while.

But lately, he isn't getting nearly as aroused. He doesn't become erect at all during foreplay, and I have to use my hands to get him up. This is fine, and he's told me that I'm very good with my hands [Cool] , but it just seemed strange to me. Also, he's seemed very much more distant. I've tried to say that I'd rather have his full attention than a three hour romp, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Anyway, the last two weeks, he can't even maintain the erection once we get going. Sometimes he will get soft inside of me, and sometimes he will get soft when we are changing positions or something like that, but he just seems to be enjoying himself less.

Increasingly, all he wants is a hand job, which gets him off quickly, and which I feel pretty good at, but it isn't very intimate, and I would like to have a little variety other than just that one activity. I've tried getting him to talk to me, he always answers that he likes whatever we're doing and that it was good for him, but I'm not entirely sure he's being truthful. He also seems more distant, and much of the passion and ferocity has left his lovemaking. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel a bit hurt by all of this, as though he doesn't really want me there. I've invited him to give me instructions, or to tell me other things that he would like to do. I've always been very open to experimenting, and to doing pretty much whatever he likes. (I'm not very picky).

So what can I do? With his unwillingness to talk, and my sad feelings over this, how can I help the situation? Ideally, I would like him to be able to stay hard throughout, or to be able to finish in ways other than just a hand job. I'm just feeling so hurt and unwanted by this situation. I keep telling myself that it's not my fault, but sometimes even when we're having sex, I feel like I'm alone. Like he's somewhere else?

What can I say to him without hurting his pride, or without making him want to end the conversation? How can we get things back on track. We're both healthy, fit adults. Neither of us smoke, and he very very rarely drinks. Never in excess. What is to be done??

Thank you so very very much.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5972

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Please, guys. I'm feeling really bad about this.
Posts: 28 | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 35890

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Is there something that could be taking his mind off of sex, or putting a load of stress on him? Work, family matters, financial matters, college (if applicable), etc.?

I'm sure someone can put a little more input in on this than I can, but it sounds like you just need to push for a good, honest talk with him. Communication is really the best way to get things off the ground.

And if you're really feeling bad about all of this, I would say probably refrain from the handjobs or what-have-you for a little while, at least until you both feel resolved. It is supposed to be something pleasurable and positive for both parties, and from the sounds of it, neither of you sound too happy about it now.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

Posts: 755 | From: United States | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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As Horizon said, Communication is the best way to really begin to understand what's going on for both partners when it comes to relationships and sexual relationships. Being able to talk openly and honestly with your partner is an essential key in a healthy sexual relationship.

Also, have you checked out either of these yet?
Erection Problems
Why can't I get it up?

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, to be clear? Someone having low sexual desire for a period of time as short as a couple of weeks is SO normal. If it hasn't happened to you in any of your partnerships yet, I can pretty much assure you that it will at least once, and likely far more than once. Life is stressful, relationships are complex, and we all will have times when other things are stressing us out, or we're ill, or sex just isn't in the forefront of our minds or even in our minds at all.

But this also doesn't mean you have to have your sex together be nothing but manual sex for him because that's the one thing he likes right now. If that's all he likes right now, it's likely best he does that himself you you two just -- as Horizon also suggested -- step away from sex and spend more time in the other aspects of your relationship until he's feeling it more again and more interested in other kinds of sex which also are satisfying for you.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5972

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Thank you guys so much! You've made me feel a lot better.
Posts: 28 | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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