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I posted a bit back about a friend in what I thought to be an unhealthy relationship. But they have now been going out for almost a year and a half. Some of the issues have gotten better, some have stayed the same. I'm too tired to repeat the whole story again, but anyways, onto the new problems: when I saw her at christmas her self esteem was lower than I had seen it in a while, It's hard to remember, but she used to go through fazes of being a little self conscience to being comfortable, to being confident, which I thought was pretty normal. But keeping in mind her feelings in the summer and now at christmas, I think part of the issues are from the guy. You see, she thinks she is good looking, but she thinks she does not live up to her boyfriends expectations, so he can't find her as attractive as she thinks she is. It took me a while to figure it out, but I remember way back talking to her boyfriend, saying he knows she didn't think he was that attractive at first, but because she started likeing him, she now thinks he is the bees knees physically. And her new mentality that "he would never tell me I should lose weight but he would find me more attractive if I did" I think she kind of feels he only finds her so attractive because he loves her. Actually, a better example of that is, I remember in the summer us making friendly jokes (both our bfs are on the scrawny side) and she told me her bf now goes to the gym every morning, I laughed and told her lucky. However, later when I talked to her boyfriend he said, he goes to the gym so he hopes he can look better for her. When I told her that she thought it was really sweet. I told her it was low self esteem, she told me it was doing something nice for her. So now, that she thinks she would be more attractive for him if she lost a few pounds, and wants to do something nice for him. Now not only would this be bad because she is already in a healthy range and shudnt have to lose wieght for him. But she is near the bottom of the healthy range, and if she lost 5 or 10 pounds, she would probably be underweight or borderline anyways.
Emotionally, she is getting to into the idea that she needs him and cant go without him. Shes already altered some of ehr plans to travel and study abroad because she does not want to be without him. Before this relationship that thought would have sickened her. Even earlier on in the relationship she still refused to let a guy get in the way of her plans. Of course I can understand how hard it can be to be away, but if it's what you want to do, and you don't plan on being with this guy forever (which she claims she doesn't) then you can go on a break, so you have some closure, and it will be a lot easier, and then see how things are when you get back.
I guess choosing to stay for your bf is not awful, but I guess I'm a little upset that she has changed so much because of him, and has become so easily influenced by his beliefs in life. Not to get into any detail, but some ways of life she detested, and now respects and even considers, because of this guy.
So I guess my main fear is, either my best friend is going to get hurt because this guy is really just being manipulative and the relationship means more to her than to him, or, he may have thrown up a few red flags but in general hes a good guy, but if they break up, it's going to be extremely hard for to to get over because she's invested her entire self into this relationship, OR the relationship will go on til the end of university or forever (marriage) and I'll slowly lose my best friend as she continues to change because of this guy
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006
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It's really, really hard to lose a friend in this way. I did, and sometimes I still wonder if there was something I could have done.
I hear you on the emotional dependency issue. Ultimately, the only thing *you* can do is continue to be her friend, since she won't realize that or make any changes until she's ready for them. It sucks, but sometimes it's the reality.
When reading your post, it sounded like some of the "fault", if you will, was on both sides of the fence post. I see him making lifestyle changes just as much as you state your friend is making changes. The changes mentioned in this post almost sound like they're both developing a dependency on one another. Do you notice similar behavior in her boyfriend?
Some of them deal with romantic relationships, but the basic idea is the same.
-------------------- Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.) Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000
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The change is on both sides but the problem is I'm quite sure the changes are more...significant for her. Her bf is known amongst his friends as the guy who always has a gf, and he has had a lot of relationship experience. This isn't a bad thing, but in his past he has fallen in love several times, and I'm assuming made these same changes. Not that it makes his feelings less genuine, I just feel he would be able to readjust and get over a breakup more easily, even though he has made the same changes, because he is used to it and expects it, whereas as she has never experienced anything like it before.
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006
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