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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » 3 Out of 9 and a Heart Condition

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Author Topic: 3 Out of 9 and a Heart Condition
corrie paige
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Member # 36811

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I need help with this. The first 3 months of sexual activity with my boyfriend was better than i could have ever imagined. He could make me orgasm with no problem at all, no faking or anything. Actually, up to this point i have never faked it and didn't know even how to pull it off. 3 Months in my boyfriend had a heart condition and was put into the hospital for a week. When he got out the first thing we did was have sex. He was weak, tired, on blood thinners, still had the condition, and so terribly depressed about the whole thing that even tho this time i didnt orgasm, i faked it to make him cheer up, if only a little. This went on for a week. It is now five months later and I still do it. I love the sex with him. I absolutly LOVE it..but it just seems i can no long get my mind into it, and i hate that. I dont want to tell him i have been faking, but i dont know how to stop and get things back on track and to just get my mind to focus. Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? Can anyone help?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Corrie.

I know it's really tough to come clean with something like this. I know it's also really hard to know how to deal when a partner is ill or recovering from an illness or injury in this way.

But if you are honest about faking, it is likely to get a lot easier to stop, because his expectations should change a bit, and you'll also know he's aware of this. Too, just talking about it is likely to make you feel a lot freer, which may help change how you've felt. You might also talk about feeling less excited lately: every sexual relationship is going to have ebbs and flows, and it's totally normal for sex to be more heated in the beginning than a bit later on. Partners should be able to leave room for that now and then without it being a big problem: no one should be expected to orgasm every time, or want sex every time, because that's just not a realistic expectation, and if you're feeling like it's expected, that's a likely part of why you're feeling so bleh about sex of late.

It's also very normal for people to feel stressed with sex, or feel less desire, when a partner is depressed, too. Is he still depressed? How about you? How's the relationship otherwise?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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corrie paige
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Heather,

Thank you for getting back to me. It's not that the fire has dimmed, at all. We only get to see each other on the weekends, sometimes during the week if we luck out, and even then we both live with our families so we don't generally get to have sex. When we do, I am all for it. We are lucky if we have a bed under us and a lot of times we end up having to risk exposer.

Please, let me back track just a bit. I mentioned above that he lives with his family, and I live with mine. I'm 19, going to college, and working a small part-time job. He is 27. He had a girlfriend of five years and they had a place together. Their relationship broke before the lease did so they continued living together until then. This is about a year and a half ago. After the lease was up he moved out, his parents offered him a place to stay, and he took it until he could regain the financials to get his own place again. Just as he was about to do this his job restructured and he lost his career. Right after his heart conditioned happened and he was out of commission for months. The blood thinners and doctors appointments made it virtually impossible to get a job. So at home he still lives till he can get into teaching. We like to be respectful around both families so we don't kiss or anything to make them feel uncomfortable, even though both families love both of us dearly.

So back to your question. He is no longer depressed. Stressed, yes, but usually only when he's in his room alone with to much time to think and his mother screaming in the background. When I talk to him on the phone, I have a way of instantly calming him down, and making him happy. When we are together he is happy and stress free, relaxed and just..so many good things. Our relationship is wonderful. I don't think I could ask for anything more than maybe living closer together. (If you look at the most recent post in "Age-disparate basics ("Does age matter?") " you will see more about our relationship)

I'm extremely satisfied with our sex life. Even though I have been faking my orgasm's I still love doing what we do. It does feel very good and even after if I don’t orgasm I am tired and satisfied as if I did. I don't know why I continue to fake and I know sometimes I'm not mentally there as in I can still think straight, where as in the beginning I could not. I don't know how to immerse myself into feeling it more and it is really starting to bug me.

I am sorry for the length of this message but maybe it can give you a look into what I mean.

-Corrie Paige

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, like I said, some of what I'm hearing is just realizing that that full-immersion stuff we feel when a relationship and sex is new simply changes over time. It's not so much that the good stuff goes away, it just changes, takes on a different flavor. So, it might be helpful for you just to try and get a taste of what you two have NOW rather than thinking something must be wrong because it isn't what you had THEN. And with a tragedy that happens, or a big hardship, just a few months into something, that change is likely to happen more quickly and be a bit more dramatic.

Suffice it to say, living at home at his age is also going to do a serious number of someone's esteem.

But given his age, he should have some serious emotional maturity and life experience that should make you telling him about faking a lot easier. In other words, I'd expect him to handle it just fine. Too, sounds like you do a lot of comforting him, so giving him an opportunity to do the same thing for you should actually be a good thing.

But too? It doesn't sound like you have a very good environment for very good sex anyway. Privacy is really a big deal when it comes to good sex, and so is just plain having time. Maybe the two of you could save up to split a weekend away somewhere, even a minor trip, something inexpensive and not that far away?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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corrie paige
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Member # 36811

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Heather,

Thank you so much for your insite! It actually makes me feel much better. I think now I may be able to calm myself more and think things over with a clearer head.

As for weekends away, we used to do it all the time. Then we ran out of money, lol. My job pays minimum wage, and my boss often sends me home early. My schedual is only 4 hours for 3 dyas as it is which angers me in itself and leads to another issue I may post about. So yea, money isn't that good. We had a great day on Thursday because my mother was at my grandmothers and my stepfather was with his children so we had the house to ourselves and made the best of it to just be with eachother in privacy. I supprised him with a nice message. We also lucked out recently. We have a free room in AC and we are going to take it 2 weeks from now, so that will be a good 24 hours alone. We used to have time together all the time and now that we don't we crave it like no tomorrow, lol. We are doing well with what we have though. We sneak cuddle time and such.

Thanks again for the insite.

-Corrie Paige

Posts: 8 | From: PA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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