posted
Warning, this is long. To make the backstory a little quicker on this one, roommate J and I dated for almost a year when I was a junior in high school and he was a freshman in college. We broke up - the relationship wasn't going well, and he cited a few reasons: 1) that he didn't feel prepared for the relationship we'd gotten ourselves into, and 2) because he didn't want to choose between me and the rest of his friends. I was hurt and angry for awhile, but eventually got over it and moved on.
In college, I did a little dating my first year, but things sort of resumed with J when I took a year off to care for my mother, and continued from there. In fact, it continued for years afterward - throughout the rest of college, and into the beginning of graduate school. Here's where things get hedgy, though- for those remaining 4 years of college, we were on and off (usually off due to him), had a whole mess of (exclusive) casual sex, and I developed feeling for him. Throughout that time he kept putting off making any decisions on whether to make our relationship formal once more, said that it was really open-ended and I could date whomever I wanted, and also said that while he cared, he wasn't sure how much, and whether a relationship would be a good idea.
To me, we were a couple, and I fought for it, but the entire episode was depressing because it felt more like he cared about his own issues more than he supposedly cared about me. Anyway, fast forward to the very beginning of graduate school, last year - we decide that maybe we could make it work, so we try. Things are mediocre for 2 months - the sex was never that good, but it was less frequent (on his schedule only; then again, that's usually how things went) and less caring, and in the end, he breaks up with me. He cites that 1) he's developing feelings for someone else (a mutual friend), 2) that he needs to figure himself out (the reasons for this one are many and varied) and 3) he's tired of always going with the "status-quo", and unfortunately, I'm part of that.
I was furious. Furious at having waited for so long, only to be dumped when he decides he needs a break, so I informed him that that was the last time, and to not come back to me looking for casual sex, second (third) chances, and that I refuse to wait around any longer. He said it was all fine, and since we'd already signed a lease and were all of 2 months through it, I gritted it out.
A few months afterward, I became involved with a classmate of mine, F. F was nerdy, adorable, and very giving. F and I begin going out, and I informed J that this was the case, and was he OK with my bringing him home every once in awhile? (I was trying to be a considerate roommate and lessen whatever drama might arise. Note that J and I have another roommate, a mutual friend.) J informs me that it's fine, and throughout my dating of F, has told me that he's fine with the relationship, happy that I'm happy, and likes F.
Well, the other girl that J had become emotionally vested in played him like a fool, and ended up skipping off to do research in Louisiana for a year and a half. J couldn't get over this - he kept calling her and asking why, WHY did she reject him? Admittedly, his reaction to it was more than a little creepy, and I told him after listening to the same agonized questions for months that 1) I was sick of hearing about her exploits and thought she was a royal you-know-what and 2) that whether he likes it or not, he needs to get over her because it's obvious that she's not interested. The red flag in this relationship came up when, after I said she was under no obligation to explain herself, he said that he COULDN'T just accept no as an answer, but felt that he felt she owed it to him to tell him why she wasn't interested.
He stopped talking about her in such great detail, though, once she did so, and things seemed to get a little easier. At least, 'til the other day. J is switching Ph.D advisors, and the one he wants to work for wants him to move to Illinois for a little over a year to conduct research. Since he was told this, he's started moping around more and more, being evasive when I asked him what the matter was, until he finally said he couldn't keep it in anymore. So he confessed, last Wednesday, that he was still in love with me, and that he felt he couldn't tell me because I was dating F. He said that he could see himself with me in 30 years, but can I say the same with F (note: F can be noncommittal, but neither he nor I are looking for marriage anytime soon, at least 'til after we get our Ph.D's)? I reminded him of what I said when he broke up with me, and told him I was sticking to it and NOT abandoning a perfectly good relationship I've been in for over a year just to go back to him and wait even MORE.
I've been avoiding the apartment lately, spending more time than usual at school or at F's place. I'm sick to my stomach over the fact that I treated him as if he was just as over it as I am, that I believed him when he said everything was fine, and that perhaps maybe he's only stuck with me this long not because of friendship (we've been friends going on 10 years) but because of some lingering hope that I was, in fact, waiting for him. I'm FURIOUS at him right now, because of these reasons too, and I feel that what he's doing right now is extremely selfish on his part. I told him that I thought it would be for the best if I moved out after the least came up, whether he's left or not.
Last night he wrote me a letter and put it on my bed. In it was a detailed explanation of his feelings, the situation in his head, and that he doesn't feel like he can leave me behind, and feels like I'm encouraging him to go because in part, I want to put physical distance between us. He says that he can't accept that I'll have dating F for almost 3 years when he gets back, that he considers me a soulmate, and that even though I said the ship has sailed, that I can consider him a strong swimmer.
Me? I call BS. I don't know what to do, though, outside of writing him a letter back detailing how I feel about the situation, firmly asking him to respect my wishes and drop it.
Do you guys have any ideas on how to deal with this unholy mess?
Posts: 33 | From: Gainesville, FL | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I have a question: what do you want? You've talked a lot about his feelings, and about the different configurations of things, but what do you want?
If you know what you want, then I do think it's reasonable to make that clear to him. However, i don't think you owe him any more than a clear and firm explanation. And moving out doesn't sound like a bad idea.
Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I want to keep him as a friend, but no more than that. I want to stay with my current boyfriend, without having to worry about my roommates' feelings if I bring him home. I also want a drama-free life, but I think that's a little less likely.
I DON'T want a repeat of what happened when he tried to get involved with the other girl, which consisted of months of sighing hopefully, writing letters explaining how he feels, and persistent, awkward phone calls in which she refuses to tell him anything and he says that a decent person would give it to him.
Good God, why didn't I see this coming?
Posts: 33 | From: Gainesville, FL | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Not to forum-troll, but if I could get some more advice on this it'd be very, very much appreciated. I'm better off than before, but still more than a little overwhelmed at this whole situation.
Posts: 33 | From: Gainesville, FL | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
If you want to stay with your current boyfriend and have as drama-free a life as possible, then stick to your guns. Write him that letter, explain your rationale, and emphasize that the possibility for romance between the two of you is now (and forever) closed. He may have a hard time accepting that he's now reaped what he sowed, he may be hurt, but there's no reason for you to give him that fourth chance. After all those years as friends, lovers, and roommates, I'd wager a guess that if it hasn't worked out before and he hasn't changed significantly, it won't work out now.
As for keeping him as a friend... There may be no truly graceful way of handling this, largely because it seems that he is incapable of unprotestingly swallowing a "no." That you two are roommates just complicates the entire situation... In your shoes, I'd want an assurance that this friendship is for real, not just a way for him to interminably have access to you as a rebound romance. If he can't promise that with his whole heart, then I'd cut ties until he could. The year and a half when he goes to research in Indiana would hopefully provide a nicely reflective time for him to consider if he can honestly retain you as a platonic friend.
Best of luck.
Posts: 9 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
I would just find a way to say, in a clear way: I am no longer interested in a relationship with you, but am not opposed to being friends in the future.
You can write it in a letter if you feel that's best. Don't let him make you unhappy just because he is, and don't engage him any further in discussion of the topic- simply say, "this subject is not up for discussion." Moving out sounds like an excellent idea to me.
You obviously care a lot about him as a friend, and don't want him to be unhappy- but I really believe that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Good luck- it's a sticky situation.
-------------------- I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams.
posted
So, to make the situation stickier, we had a "talk" the other day... that basically ended in him telling me how angry he was that I asked him to deal with the fact that my boyfriend will be coming over sometimes (seeing as I pay 1/3 of the rent) and that I want to move out. I told him to think of ways I could help with in continuing our friendship and getting past this barrier; he told me to think of what I'd be willing to do help him, as to him, I'm basically walking away.
I asked him whether he'd still hold out hope for my coming back to him if we continued our friendship, and he said yes... and told him that I don't think I could be close friends with him if that was the case. He stopped speaking to me at that point, and I spent the night at my boyfriend's house.
Today he thought of a way I could help - I could continue to live with him. This seems like a bad idea on so many levels, and he won't accept my answer that I want to move out to HELP the situation, and instead feels like I'm abandoning him and abandoning our friendship. I told him I want to move to within the same complex, and that I'd be happy to be his neighbor but not his roommate. I know that living in the same house with him would hinder more than help, and ALL of my friends have told me not to do this, but I feel like I've been put into a spot and I don't know what to do. He says he does things for me all the time that he doesn't like and that make him uncomfortable.
I wonder... he has problems with depression, and I've been seriously wondering whether a lot of this situation is due in a large part to chemical imbalance or if I really am being an awful friend here and that's what's making him so sad and angry. He refuses to consider medication, and although he's going to counseling, the situation doesn't seem to be resolving itself. And really, I don't know what to do.
posted
I don't think you're being an awful friend here. But let's be realistic: you can't give him what he wants (a romantic relationship), and you want some space and freedom to pursue your romantic relationship and your other friendships and to have a life of your own. Those are all good things to do, and friends are supposed to support positive and healthy decisions like that, not cling to you like a boat anchor.
You're not responsible for his feelings, and you're not responsible for his happiness. You're responsible for your feelings and your actions, and it seems pretty clear to me that you know what you want and are willing to do what you need to get it.
I would say get out and get on with your life, quite frankly. You've given him enough chances.
Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000
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