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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend's reaction to "popping my cherry"

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Author Topic: Boyfriend's reaction to "popping my cherry"
OnceOnABlueMoon
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Ok, my boyfriend and I have been dating almost exactly two years now. Unexpectedly about a week ago he came down to visit me in my dorm room in my college and we had "sex." I've never had sex before, a GYN told me that I had a "partially imperforate hymen" and recommended surgery so that I wouldn't get penetration associated with pain.

the surgery never happened and never before had my boyfriend decided to "force it" because he hates to see me in pain. For some unfathomable reason this time we tried it and through a lot of pain it happened. It wasn't really "sex" as much as it was "penetration." Just penetration, he didn't get much enjoyment from it, it was like a science experiment. He seemed happy after he left but the next night he called me and he was really upset.

He went on and on with every excuse and uncertainty in the book: "What if you get pregnant? What if we can't stop now and we become addicts? What if our parents found out? (I'm 21 and he's 20 but both of our parents are major prudes) What we did was wrong morally and religiously..."

I was happy before he yabbed all that to me. In my head I felt happy because I gave him my virginity, I felt so happy about it. He wasn't a virgin comparitively, he didn't lose anything like I did. So hearing him be so...I don't know...difficult, I cried and said, "I just want you to cherish the gift I've given you!" He seems at peace with it now, but his reaction still baffles me, why would he act like he regretted it so much? Does anyone else have a take on it, or a similar story??

Posts: 48 | From: North of Hell South of Paradise | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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My guess might be that the whole situation DID cause you pain. As you said, he doesn't like to see you in pain, and having sex did appear to cause it. That could definitely cause some guilt on his part.

Ultimately, I think, he's going to be the one to really tell you why he reacted that way. Is it something complete out of character for him? Is sex something you had discussed at length prior to actually doing it?

People react differently, and I suppose this could just be his reaction. Of course, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not you want to remain sexually active on it. Are the both of you really ready?

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OnceOnABlueMoon
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I felt ready...we didn't plan, it just happened unexpectedly. I was happy about it until he reacted as he did. I've tried to understand why he reacted like he did for a while now, and he tells me over and over again that he just doesn't know. And yet as soon as Tuesday, the day after he called and was so upset about it, he appeared to be fine. He says he is having nightmares about pregnancy, and I can't ease him of those, even though I'm on the pill.

Maybe it isn't right for us to be sexually active, not on my end, but his. I won't know for sure until I see him in person next week and I can read him better. It just really worries me [Frown]

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Jakgirl
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You might be right that, for now, he's just not ready. It's also possible, though, that he's just very nervous because you two have been together for so long, and it sounds like he's been taught that sex is for marriage, and he's trying to figure out where he actually stands on that.

Regarding his concerns about pregnancy, they're valid - there's always the chance, and it's important that you talk about "what if" before it's an issue. Is there a health center on your campus that offers free condoms? That could help, if he's nervous about failure rates.

The other points you mentioned are things you don't have any control over: his perceptions of how the world works. It sounds like you were both raised in environments where sex was a taboo subject, and he's probably carrying a lot of that with him.

(warning: exposition on religious debate ahead)
Also, it sounds like a lot of that came from a religious background. If he's coming from a Christian background, you might steer him to "porneia"-it's one of those words with far too many meanings depending on context, and there's debate over whether it meant "fornication" as generally translated, or whether it was more aimed towards prostitution/sex without emotional involvement and the translators overlooked this. Again, you know him, you know whether this'd be his cup of tea, and my apologies if I completely misread which religious background you guys are from. Good luck, whatever you both decide!

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OnceOnABlueMoon
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You're perfectly right about our background, Jakgirl. I think his reaction is very complex for numerous reasons, one of which is our Christian background. He's been revitalized as a Christian since we started dating and I've always been religious myself, like I would've liked to have saved myself for marriage, but at the same time I've long since come to terms with the fact that sexual desires shouldn't be shameful, because they're natural and I've had them all my life. I DO believe in restraint of course, and I cherished my virginity. So emotionally I consider myself married to him, so losing it just didn't bother me all that much. He agrees with me on that, but probably on some level it's still bothering him. I'm really interested in that "porneia" since translation is still such a difficult thing.

And especially for his family, sex was taboo. He told me that the first time he woke up after a wet dream he was so scared, he called for his mom and told her about it because he didn't know any better and he was scared. She didn't want to hear about that and I gather just sort of ignored him.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go nuts waiting to see him and hopefully finish deciphering his reaction.

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That Girl 752
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My guess is he loves you.
He doesn't want to put you in danger
and dosen't want you to be in pain.
And If it was your first time you would think
he might want to give you a gift in letting you
feel something so huge, but my guess is that it wasn't very perfect. And if he loves you he wouldn't want to give you anything less then perfect your first time.

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- That Girl

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OnceOnABlueMoon
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I like that interpretation ^_^ since I posted this he has calmed down a lot. I think his biggest fear is pregnancy, it's just in his nature to be a worrier. He worries even when there is (in this case) little chance that anything bad will happen.
Posts: 48 | From: North of Hell South of Paradise | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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