Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Man I am getting frustrated (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4   
Author Topic: Man I am getting frustrated
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 9 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've been trying to make myself less shy for a long time so that maybe I can get a girlfriend, but nothing has changed. I don't see what I'm doing wrong. I'm very intelligent, very good looking, funny, and I try my hardest to be a good person. But apparently this doesn't count for much. I don't think girls like me. I want a girlfriend so bad but I can't get what comes so easily to other people. Maybe I'm just not likable and I should stop wasting everyone else's oxygen.

What do I do now?

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Stop focusing on getting a girlfriend, and focus on making friends who are girls. Do the latter, and eventually you will stand a better shot at the former.

--------------------
LA County STD Hotline 1.800.758.0880
Toll free STD and clinic information, and condoms sent to your door for Los Angeles County residents.
1 in 3 sexually active people will be exposed to a STD by the time they turn 24.

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I can make female friends, sure, but none of them have ever wanted to be more than that. There was a time when I didn't mind and that's all I wanted too. One day I woke up, though, and realized that it might be too late. When I try to strike out and ask to get closer to someone I like, I'm invariably rejected. There must be something wrong with me. There simply must be. There's no other possible explanation. I don't know why, but suddenly I've lost all hope. I guess that there's just some people who, for whatever reason, don't get to date and become intimately (and yes, sexually) connected to other people, and I'm one of them.

It always depresses me when I realize just how inconceivable it is that anyone could ever like me.

I'll try to come to terms with that. If I can't, there's always suicide.

[ 10-31-2007, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
May I ask where you're hanging out? Is this solely through one place/activity? How's your social circle and scope of interests in general? How happy are you with everything else in your life? Are you having fun a lot of the time?

I ask because all of this could certainly influence your ability to find people suited to you. If you're very down about this, esp. if you're so much as thinking about suicide, might you consider speaking to a counselor/therapist?

(Seriously, please do not even go there, I know it sounds REALLY stupid and cliche, but 6 years -- or even less, if you were a later bloomer -- past the beginning of sexual maturity is so, so insignificant in gauging your potential to date and whatever else you wish. You find anecdotes all the time of people finding love well into their 30's, 40's, 50's, and even beyond. The way you feel is very valid, but there's just no reason to believe it has to be like this forever!)

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
saguy
Neophyte
Member # 32916

Icon 1 posted      Profile for saguy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
How old are you? If you're in your teens, you still have hope. I'm not saying hope disappears when you enter your 20s, but it definitely gets much harder very fast.

I'm pushing 24, have battled social anxiety and other personal issues since I was a kid. It only gets harder to deal with as you get older.

Just being able to communicate with girls and be friends with them is a huge step in the right direction for most guys with social issues. You have that to build on.

Posts: 35 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Where am I "hanging out?" I only really "hang out" with my suitemates (four guys and two girls). I'm very studious and on any given weeknight you're most likely to find me in the library. I'm not part of any campus activities and I never go to parties. This isn't because I don't want to be part of a larger social group (I really, really do), but it's mostly because I'm an untalented loser. I go to a really prestigious school that I got into on some kind of fluke, and everyone here is more interesting and does like a million things and has way more life experience than I do. I feel totally inferior to everyone here, and I just don't see what I have to offer. I'm even scared to eat in the dining halls because I don't want to broadcast how pathetic I am by eating alone.

I think people here generally regard me as boring and not "fun" to be around, and this is largely true. I'm so scared of coming off like this that I don't say much of anything, and if I do say something it's invariably boring.

If I show up to some activity that I've never done before hoping to catch on and make some friends (and I have done this a few times), it almost always ends badly because I'm the only one who doesn't know what he's doing and the other members don't seem to even know I'm in the room. I eventually get discouraged and leave. I don't go to concerts or parties because if I just show up and start to try talking to people that I've *never* talked to or seen before, that's going to seem weird and just make things harder for me. It's too late in the year for me to just approach people out of the blue and try to become friends. That's going to seem weird and pathetic just like everything else I do. Plus I wouldn't know how to behave myself in those situations since I'm so inexperienced.

All in all, the problem is that I'm just not an interesting person, and it's too late to become interesting. Nobody likes me, and I feel like I'm stuck and can't change that.

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The only thing I really have going for me is my capability as a student, but that doesn't earn you any points with other people. Everyone here is a good student in addition to the million other things that they're good at. Plus how is studying in the library all the time conducive to social development?

It's pretty clear to me that I'm destined to be alone forever, never establishing any sort of serious connection with a girl.

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Have you considered counseling/therapy?

If you've got social anxiety going on, and lack of a social life due to it, it's sad but true that its plain unrealistic to expect people to be attracted to you. You need to be out there having a good time; that's what relationships themselves are often about, after all, and what most people look for as bare-bones standards.

Does it mean you have to change your personality or really anything else? Nope! It just means you might need help working on your fears/shyness, until you can let people see enough of you to actually be yourself.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I need to fix myself? How long is that going to take? Do I need to grow up all over again? That's gonna take a long time...
Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No, you just need some help working through some of your issues. With a therapist, you can work on your anxieties and reservations and often, as your progress allows, they will "prescribe" real-world exercises, from something as simple as saying hello to someone on the bus, to making friends out of acquaintances, and eventually to pursue dating.

It's hard work, and it may take some time, but a big part of how long it takes is how committed you are to overcoming this. It IS very possible, I promise you.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
[Frown]

Well I guess I'd better get going on that then. I don't see much hope in it, but let's give this a shot. I'm not totally socially incompetent. I can say hello and make conversation with strangers, but that's about all. I DON'T know how to turn friends into acquaintances, and I sure as hell don't know how I got my current friends. It'd be really nice to finally learn what the secret is behind that.

I'm not sure I agree with your idea that "until you can let people see enough of you to actually be yourself." What if "yourself" is inherently unlikable, annoying, boring, and not "fun"? Every time I've stepped outside of my comfort zone and asked to be included in somebody's plans I've just been reluctantly tolerated. I can't help but feel that it's a reflection on who I am. I get this vibe from people that seems to say: "How DARE you ask to do something with me?!"

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
saguy
Neophyte
Member # 32916

Icon 1 posted      Profile for saguy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't like the "be yourself" advice either. The reason I suffer from anxiety around people is because I know who I am (quiet, shy, never much to say) is not accepted in today's society. To be a social success, you need to be outgoing and it's just not in my personality.

Knowing this also contributes to my depression.

Posts: 35 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's going by the old adage "There's someone for everyone.".

I used to be shy, withdrawn, and depressed. I'm about the biggest nerd on earth; was then, still am (Go Linux!). I love stupid musicals, science, and don't do any drugs or alcohol. I hate parties, bars, large crowds, and people acting superficial. All this in California, of all places.

Guess what? I've had plenty of friends and acquaintances, and people expressing interest (though only one ongoing partner by choice). The only personality type that is inherently unlikeable is someone who is resistant to new experiences and change. If you're convinced you're boring, annoying, or not fun, it IS a reflection -- but not of who you are, but how you perceive yourself. It becomes a vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies.

So, sounds like you ought to start with your own self-image when you do bring this up to whoever you find to speak to, because I think dissatisfaction with your life and yourself in general might be at the root of things.

I'm so glad you're considering it, by the way. The decision to at least try therapy is something some folks in your (and my!) position never consider, and thus condemn themselves to a cycle of bitterness and reaffirmation. I offer Internet hugs your way, though I know they do little good. [Smile]

[ 11-01-2007, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You like Linux, too? I love Sabayon and Ubuntu, but they have some funky problems with my school's network; so I don't tend to do much except play around on them.

Well if you honestly don't think that it's a problem with *me* (and seeing as you've never met me, I probably shouldn't let this well-intentioned comment go to my head), I suppose it's worth a shot. I like trying new things, but I HATE being a beginner. I absolutely hate it. It's a subtle distinction, but I absolutely can't stand being looked down on as the new guy who doesn't know what he's doing and needs people to put up with him. I don't feel like anyone needs or wants me to be around in that case.

I guess I've just got to suck it up and look like an idiot if I want to get anywhere. The only problem is I'm not certain when I join activities if I'll ever get up to the level that the other people are at, and that they'll never respect me and I'm wasting my time. Like with intramural athletics. All the other people on the team have been athletic basically their whole lives, and since I haven't been I'll never be able to recover. While no-one could accuse me of being fat and lazy, I'm not athletic in the way that they are. Is there any hope for me to be able to participate as an equal? I don't think so, and that's what discouraged me from participating. NOT the fact that it's something new.

I would jump on something "new" in a second if I could be guaranteed that I could come to be regarded as an equal (or at least someone who contributes something) in a reasonable amount of time. I've tended to assume that in order to do that, I would have had to, you know, NOT have wasted my childhood.

[ 11-01-2007, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
_Danny_
Neophyte
Member # 30434

Icon 1 posted      Profile for _Danny_     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Look man, you need to realize that you can make any woman happy. That's right, you're the man and you can do that.

It's all about your attitude towards things. You've said that you see yourself as an inferior. That's a big problem. Girls can see that. But the best part is, you can change it. It's not all about looks (although you should take care of yourself) but about your attitude. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you are what girls should want. You're the prize...and you gotta believe that.

Having your butt on the chair on the library all day isn't going to make your social circle expand. No social circle, no girls. Do some activities that you haven't done before. Not only will you meet new people, but THEY HAVE TO SOCIALIZE WITH YOU--WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT. You're the new guy, all eyes will be on you, and trust me: that can be a good thing. If no one notices that you're in the room, like you said, it's ok to ask for help. To a girl, of course.

You need to make small talk with girls. That's not an option. You won't look pathetic, and they won't think anything weird out of it. Seriously. Ask her about a party, tell her how much you can't stand your professor, whatever. Don't think, just talk. You'll be fine, and you'll get better at it really quickly if you just try to talk to as many girls as possible. And talk to everyone, old people, youngsters, teens, adults, whatever. Smalltalk is not hard, but someone who doesn't have experience with it could struggle.

Respect yourself. You're not boring, no one is. You just have to be a bit more extroverted, I think.

Posts: 7 | From: US | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(I heart Ubuntu. Just upgraded to Gutsy; be-autiful! For what it's worth, your interest in the same distro as me certainly strikes me as anything but boring. Just a wee point. [Smile] )

It's tough to be the new person anywhere, really, and it sucks for everybody. In my experience, though, all but the most blatant a-holes will be accommodating and understanding, not to mention cave to reminders from others that it was once new to them, too.

You're right, though; you're going to be a constant n00b/sideliner unless you find a way of diving in. It takes guts, and some people just don't have it in them to "get over it" without a bit of help, and that's OK.

So, it's sounding to me like your biggest anxiety is a sense of inadequacy and failure in the eyes of a group?

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
(I heart Ubuntu. Just upgraded to Gutsy; be-autiful! For what it's worth, your interest in the same distro as me certainly strikes me as anything but boring. Just a wee point. [Smile])
Well thank you. [Smile]

quote:
It's tough to be the new person anywhere, really, and it sucks for everybody. In my experience, though, all but the most blatant a-holes will be accommodating and understanding, not to mention cave to reminders from others that it was once new to them, too.

You're right, though; you're going to be a constant n00b/sideliner unless you find a way of diving in. It takes guts, and some people just don't have it in them to "get over it" without a bit of help, and that's OK.

Yeah you're right, but I sucked it up and joined two student activity groups and went to some meetings this week. I didn't talk to anybody but I think I'll be able to do *something*. Would it be all right if I kept posting here just as a way of charting my progress?

quote:
So, it's sounding to me like your biggest anxiety is a sense of inadequacy and failure in the eyes of a group?
You hit the nail on the head right there. There's nothing I fear more than being looked down on and humiliated. Nothing.

Some more background:

In high school, I was a somewhat popular and accomplished guy (valedictorian, pretty good in theater, etc.), but I didn't know that I was. When I dated my first (and only) girlfriend senior year (after she asked me out more than a few times and my friends prodded me to), she told me that there were hoards of girls who were jealous of her. I was never more surprised in my life!

I was such an idiot. I was asked out several times but I said no each and every time because I was working hard in school and didn't want a relationship. Now that I do, I can't get one. It's so ironic! In high school I was a big fish in a small pond, but here the girls have so many other fantastic options besides me. Why would they ever want to get involved with me when they could have those guys?

quote:
Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you are what girls should want. You're the prize...and you gotta believe that.
Hahahaha. Yyyyeah. I'm a pretty long way off from thinking that.

quote:
Having your butt on the chair on the library all day isn't going to make your social circle expand. No social circle, no girls. Do some activities that you haven't done before. Not only will you meet new people, but THEY HAVE TO SOCIALIZE WITH YOU--WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT. You're the new guy, all eyes will be on you, and trust me: that can be a good thing. If no one notices that you're in the room, like you said, it's ok to ask for help. To a girl, of course.
I know. I don't have a social circle outside of my immediate "close" friends. But I still can't get over my hatred of being a beginner. I mean, if you have to ask for help, people don't and won't respect you. Especially girls. Girls like guys who excel in whatever they're doing.

[ 11-02-2007, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by A Posteriori:
But I still can't get over my hatred of being a beginner. I mean, if you have to ask for help, people don't and won't respect you. Especially girls. Girls like guys who excel in whatever they're doing.

This is so untrue I'd have thought you were kidding if I hadn't read the rest of this thread.

First, I get that it's hard to ask for help but there are lots of people out there that absolutely love to teach people things. If I'm passionate about something, I want to share with everyone -- including absolute beginners. There are lots of people out there with the same attitude: in fact, one of the organizations I belong to currently has more instructors than students.

Most people remember what it's like to be learning something new so no one except the occasional jerk is going to try to make things difficult or make you feel inferior. Everyone has to be a beginner at some point. If you put in a genuine effort and remain persistent even when whatever you're doing is hard, most people are going to respect you and want to encourage you. At least that's how it's been in my experience.

One last thing, you seem to be neglecting the fact that women can be beginners too. It's a lot of fun to go through the learning process with a buddy so why not find one? Trying to learn the same thing is an excellent conversation starter -- you already have some common ground. I think it will be quite worthwhile to take the risk and let yourself be a beginner.

(I think it would be great if you charted your progress here. This is a pretty common problem and I think it would be helpful to have a thread detailing what someone did to work through it.)

--------------------
“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
One last thing, you seem to be neglecting the fact that women can be beginners too. It's a lot of fun to go through the learning process with a buddy so why not find one? Trying to learn the same thing is an excellent conversation starter -- you already have some common ground. I think it will be quite worthwhile to take the risk and let yourself be a beginner.
Maybe I should restate what I said earlier: Women *are not attracted to* guys who don't know what they're doing. I guess that shouldn't discourage me from trying new things, but I think I'll eventually run up against a wall. I'll be able to do something besides studying but nothing romantic will ever come of it.

[ 11-02-2007, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Women *are not attracted to* guys who don't know what they're doing.

One of the reasons we don't give out sexual technique advice/dating tips/ideas around here is because no person of any gender likes the same things. So, while you certainly may think this is the case in your experience, it's not fair to apply it to all females.

For what it's worth? Some of the guys I've been most attracted to have been clumsy nerds with awesome senses of humor. Failed at something? It was "Oh man, I SUCK!", we laughed it off, it was all gravy. I personally find a bit of klutzy behavior a turn-on.

You seem to think that women aren't fond of guys who don't know what they're doing -- but I'd personally pin this more on a lack of overall confidence than specific skills/activities. After all, overall security and confidence is required to not let a minor setback/failure let you down, pick yourself up, and maybe have a laugh about it. [Smile]

(I agree with Jill -- I'd love to see you keep up a progress log here, as you're certainly not the only male who's come here with these issues, and I think having a thread they all can relate to would be awesome. Besides, now I'm interested, and want to keep up!)

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've been calling around this weekend, asking if people want to do things with me (new museum exhibit, music library, maybe a concert tomorrow night), but I just haven't been able to catch anybody. I've called like six or seven people at least twice, and I always just get their voice mail. But I see people calling each other ALL THE TIME around campus, sometimes just to say hi, and they never seem "too busy" to talk (like they claim to be with me). If they're always "out and about" with their friends living such exciting lives, how the hell am I supposed to break in?
Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
scholarly
Neophyte
Member # 35640

Icon 1 posted      Profile for scholarly     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i think u need to get more confidenence in ur self and stop thinking about urself as a loser. If you thought more of urself then maybe other people would think more of u too. You can't be that bad and maybe ur going after the wrong girls. One of my friends have that problem and most of the time girls like guys who are their friends but are afraid to tell them. So stop thinking so much and just go for it. Stop caring what other people may think cause no matter what people will always have their own opinion.

--------------------
~ScHoLaRlY~

Posts: 2 | From: Caribbean | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
i think u need to get more confidenence in ur self and stop thinking about urself as a loser. If you thought more of urself then maybe other people would think more of u too.
In order for me to think something of myself, I have to actually *have things going for me*. I can't just suddenly adopt this arrogant, baseless attitude that I'm just as good as everyone else. Like it or not, there ARE people who are not good enough to date.

quote:
One of my friends have that problem and most of the time girls like guys who are their friends but are afraid to tell them. So stop thinking so much and just go for it. Stop caring what other people may think cause no matter what people will always have their own opinion.
Girls are rarely attracted to guys who are just friends. I don't buy that. And I think I should care about what other people think. If I take a risk and it fails, that person isn't usually going to keep it to themselves. They'll usually go off and tell everybody about what a loser I am and how I dared to ask them out.
Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFgrrrl
Activist
Member # 35244

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SFgrrrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, dude, I also am someone who feels like I pay more attention to other people than they do to me a lot of the time, that I spend more time initiating the social activities.

But you know what? Over time it pays off. And sometimes that will even make you the cool kid, if you manage to set up a get together for everyone. You can't just have one weekend where you can't manage to find anyone to do fun things with, and throw your hands in the air and say you've failed. Everyone has one of those weekends at some point, even the popular kids have them occasionally.

So just continue trying to make friends. Do you know some basic social skills? Such as: ask people about themselves and be genuinly interested. Use genuine compliments. Thank people for spending time with you when you have a good time.

And unless your school consists of only a few hundred people, there is no possible way that any mistakes you make in your romantic life will make it to the ears of all the girls in the school, or even most. So that last paragraph of yours strikes me as a bit childish of you.

Posts: 207 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFgrrrl
Activist
Member # 35244

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SFgrrrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Also, maybe you're coming across as a bit sleazy or desperate in the romantic department, as you say you "want a girlfriend so bad". Often your chances of attracting someone go up when you're less focused on what you need, and more focused on simply having fun, being easy-breezy laid back and making other people happy, that sort of stuff.

[ 11-04-2007, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: SFgrrrl ]

Posts: 207 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(Just a nudge towards ya'll; A. Posteriori has indicated he's struggling with what is possibly a social anxiety disorder or similar deeper problem. So, making suggestions like "just have confidence" "just stop feeling like a loser" are about as appropriate and helpful as telling a depressed person, even if not officially diagnosed, to "just cheer up". If it were that easy, would anyone ask for help, especially given that's the standard response from lots of people?

Also, there is no need to insinuate that a poster's problems they're having related to their way of thinking are childish or stupid, especially for those of ya'll who post about your own issues and have them taken seriously and handled respectfully. He deserves the same consideration and kindness a few of you have received with your own problems. Alrighty?)

[ 11-04-2007, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Also, maybe you're coming across as a bit sleazy or desperate in the romantic department, as you say you "want a girlfriend so bad". Often your chances of attracting someone go up when you're less focused on what you need, and more focused on simply having fun, being easy-breezy laid back and making other people happy, that sort of stuff.
I've become morbidly obsessed with this little "quest" of mine lately, and it just struck me that maybe I've gotten out of touch with the person I used to be. Wow I really have gotten creepy lately. I'm sorry if I've been a bit brusque or said some creepy stuff. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is NOT what I'm like.

I see that you edited your post after what looks like a rebuke from the mod. I don't know why, but I'd like to see what you said (I have a hint it may have been more honest than I'd have liked). [Wink]

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by A Posteriori:
Girls are rarely attracted to guys who are just friends. I don't buy that.

Not sure why you're so resitant to that idea. I can honestly say that all of my relationships have grown out of friendships. I've never been comfortable with dating scenarios, I'd much rather hang out with guys in a casual settings and get to know them as friends. My current partner and I were close friends for more than three years before we fell for each other.

And for most people I know (of either sex) that's been true at one time or another, as well: relationships can develop out of friendships. In fact, friendships are a great basis for relationships.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9187 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just noticed something: In the face of all these encouraging responses, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up this hugely negative, unrealistically pessimistic view of things. I know this is despicable, but it's clear to me now that I intentionally exaggerated things in my first post and deliberately worded it so as to make people feel sorry for me. I have no idea why I wanted that!

I guess I just need to start having more fun in my life. In due time, things will develop. I have a hunch that the more I'm just enjoying myself, my "need" to find someone will subside.

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFgrrrl
Activist
Member # 35244

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SFgrrrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"I see that you edited your post after what looks like a rebuke from the mod. I don't know why, but I'd like to see what you said (I have a hint it may have been more honest than I'd have liked)."

Actually, I didn't even notice the moderator's response when I was editing my post, so no worries there, that didn't have anything to do with it. I think the mod was just objecting to my use of the word "childish".

Posts: 207 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SFgrrrl
Activist
Member # 35244

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SFgrrrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
"I guess I just need to start having more fun in my life. In due time, things will develop. I have a hunch that the more I'm just enjoying myself, my "need" to find someone will subside."

And I think that's some good wisdom. Probably something most of us struggle with from time to time, but true nonetheless.

Posts: 207 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I know this is despicable, but it's clear to me now that I intentionally exaggerated things in my first post and deliberately worded it so as to make people feel sorry for me. I have no idea why I wanted that!

You know, it takes some real gonads to out with that; it's okay to admit that you wanted attention and sympathy, and it's something you certainly need and deserve. Besides, you aren't nearly the only one, here or anywhere! It's human to exaggerate or lie to get things you need. [Smile]

I guess I just need to start having more fun in my life. In due time, things will develop. I have a hunch that the more I'm just enjoying myself, my "need" to find someone will subside.

I think you're right! I second Joey; my best relationships of all types have stemmed from friendships, and friendships come from having some fun and, well, sometimes just not thinking. [Razz]

I conquered a similar problem to yours myself.. it's hard to say exactly how I managed. Basically, I said no to all negative thoughts about myself, and put up a "front" in the company of others. Not in a totally-changing-self-way, but forcing a smile, forcing a confident attitude. The faking didn't last long; once I saw people would react to me kindly, not in the ridiculous ways I imagined, it became easy to genuinely be confident and happy. Now to to work on my million OTHER crazy phobias..

But, as they say, your mileage may vary. And please forgive me if this is not coherent.. long day!

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
A Posteriori
Activist
Member # 34384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for A Posteriori     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just did something really stupid.

So I know this girl. We've encountered one another randomly across campus a few times. She's pretty cool, easy to talk to. I like chatting with her when I get the chance. Well, I got kinda antsy in the library tonight and needed a break from studying. I had her number (via facebook) and decided to call her. Just to sat "hi" and chat for a few minutes. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I just enjoyed calling up an acquaintance for the sake of it. I thought it might be a "fun" thing to do.

But it struck me as I ended the call that what I did was actually pretty weird and creepy. I hope she didn't misinterpret what I was doing as me hitting on her. I just want to maybe, possibly, see if I can turn this acquaintance into a friend. Was what I did wrong?

Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't think that's creepy at all! I'm sure she was flattered by the attention and enjoyed your company.

Did you pick up any cues that she thought it creepy/was uncomfortable? If not, I'd put this aside and keep on as normal.

By the way? That was pretty brave! Isn't it easy to do what comes naturally? Soon enough, you'll be able to stop second-guessing yourself. [Smile]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I don't really have anything to add but I want to second how brave that was. We see people here who are too nervous to say hi to people they like and you had the guts to call. Good for you!

--------------------
“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3