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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dealing with Virginity

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Author Topic: Dealing with Virginity
SFgrrrl
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I am a 21 year-old virgin (well, by most people's definitions, anyway) and I'm never sure how to deal with this when it comes to relationships. I think my insecurity about this fact and apparent inability to communicate clearly about it has ruined two potential relationships already. Now, I'm thinking about starting to date a guy who is around 30. (A little old, but so far I've enjoyed hanging around him and I haven't kissed /anyone/ for like a year). I'm not sure how to talk about the virginity issue, or when in a relationship is the appropriate time to bring it up. Any suggestions?
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Narwhal
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I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for when you should tell someone you're dating that you're a virgin. It's definitely a good idea to tell him if you're thinking about having intercourse, because that's best for you. But otherwise, perhaps just wait until you get to know each other and you feel comfortable talking about sex in general--it's really important to discuss boundaries before things get intimate, and if you'd like, you could tell him at that point.

But it sounds like you're a little uncomfortable with the fact you're a virgin at all. Is there a particular reason for this?

Also, since he is older than you by a fair bit, it might be worth checking out the thread on Age Disparate Relationships. There are points there that anyone who's dating someone with a significant age difference could benefit by considering.

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SFgrrrl
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I'm very uncomfortable with that fact. When I was 16 and 17 and had never kissed a guy I was uncomfortable with that fact. Same thing when I was 18 and a virgin. Same thing now.

I guess I partially worry I won't know how to please my partner and will be clumsy in bed (and I know from experience this is pretty much true). Guy's bodies confuzzle me very much and this makes me ever so slightly uncomfortable.

Also there is the element of feeling undesirable. I've heard people conversing about girls/guys of a similar age in a similar situation to me, and (not always, but frequently) the question comes up of "what is it that's wrong with them?" I think there's sort of an assumption that they're not a good person to be in a relationship with for some reason or another. And maybe for female virgins that's moreso the case, b/c guys worry they'll become clingy (except for those guys who prefer to be with virgins, and well, I just find that sort of pervy).

Also I'm fairly knowledgeable about sex and fairly comfortable with my body... so with the way I talk and the way I flirt with people and everything, I just feel like being a virgin would sort of comes out of the blue in terms of people's perceptions of me.

I just feel like it means there's something horribly wrong with me, I guess. Maybe if I knew some cute guys and girls my age who were open about the fact they were virgins (and not for particularly deliberate reasons) I would feel more secure. But if there are a significant number of virgins my age, it's not something people are generally open about. Do you know statistics on that sort of thing, by any chance?

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Narwhal
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Hmmmm, I don't really know about statistics on that. What I can tell you is there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. You can say it with me, if you like. Nothing wrong. I promise. And I think it is really crummy for anyone to assume that there is something wrong with someone, or that the only reason they're still a virgin is that they're undesirable. It's simply not true.

As far as your ability to please a partner, a lot of that comes down to your partner telling you what does and doesn't feel good. Nobody can read their partner's minds, regardless of how many relationships they've been in. Everyone is different, so the best thing to do, if your partner isn't volunteering the information, is to ask.

I hope some of this helps. Maybe someone else on the forum will have a little more of the kind of information you're looking for.

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SFgrrrl
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Thanks Narwhal.

Also, maybe this is getting a little more into one of the more exclusively "sex" forums, but I've watched videos of guys masturbating online. They all seem to be doing relatively similar motions to me (not that different people don't like different things, but in the overall scheme, relatively similar). But I don't think I can move my hands that fast for that long, for instance. So I'm sure learning to communicate better would help, but I'm not sure that's my only problem...

But I'm in average shape, and somehow I don't think that only people in above average shape are capable of having good, mutual sex. So *shrug* maybe there's just a lot I don't understand in terms of the details of sex. Which is weird, b/c some friends have said it came "naturally" but I've certainly tried and don't feel that way...

But I've finally realized I first need to learn to broach the topic of virginity, before I even start worrying too much about how to communicate/learn the other stuff.

[ 09-17-2007, 12:23 AM: Message edited by: SFgrrrl ]

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LilBlueSmurf
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So *shrug* maybe there's just a lot I don't understand in terms of the details of sex

Here's the thing ... The 'details' of sex change from time to time, from partner to partner. The key will always be communication. Communicating likes and dislikes, boundaries ... And having a laugh when none if it turned out how you thought it would.

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Narwhal
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I can't speak from personal experience on this one, but I'm pretty sure it's unrealistic to assume that the first time you have intercourse, it always will/should come naturally. There's an article on the main site, First Intercourse 101 which can help you figure out what to expect in that regard, but rest assured, it's not something that everyone just knows how to do.

As far as having trouble, physically, with doing things your partner tells you feel good, that's why communication is a two-way street. You can always say something like, "I'm finding this a bit difficult; can we experiment a bit and see if we can find another way that will work for you?" And your partner should also realize that any sexual activity with a partner isn't going to be the same as when he's by himself: there's another person whose needs and feelings he has to consider. And frankly, any partner worth being with should consider your needs and feelings, and any partner who doesn't just isn't good news.

The same goes for your virginity, by the way: if your partner really just can't handle that fact, again, he's probably not so good for you anyway.

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SFgrrrl
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Well, to clarify a bit, when it comes to actually doing things physically, I'm probably less concerned about intercourse than most other things. At least to me now, it seems fairly straightforward, and maybe not as physically challenging as say, manual or oral sex.

Knowing at what point you should discuss never having had sex though, is still something I'm a bit confused about. I mean, do you wait until you've gone on a few dates and had a few drinks and are back at one of your guys's apartments fooling around, or would it be better for everyone to bring it up sooner? Or maybe as soon as someone says "hey, wanna go back to my place?" would that be a good time?

And then I guess you just have to break it out "Umm... so I feel a little weird talking about this, but there's something you should know. I've umm... I don't have a lot of sexual experience"

And I guess ideally they ask you what you mean by that, so that you don't have to just keep rambling off a bunch of intimate details in a monologue. Does that sound about right? The problem is, everytime I picture myself saying these things I picture the other person suddenly looking uncomfortable and metaphorically running for the hills. Except one time a guy didn't ask me for details, and acted almost like he either didn't realize I was trying to state a concern, or he was trying to brush it off, and that wasn't any better. So maybe that's not being direct enough?

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-Lauren-
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(Nicely handled with the info and links, Narwhal! [Smile] )
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Ann-Marie26
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Hey, so this is my first post but im gonna add at first that im happy i came across this page because i hope that im going to get answers.i cant seem to get any good answerers from my friends because they have no idea what im goin through seems there all more experienced than me. im am all around virgin. Never kissed a guy never had a bf never had any physical connection with a guy at all. IM 17 ! i guess its because im hard on myself sometimes thinking im not good looking. or i just cant put myself out there. i wanna change because id like to experience something new. some of my friends are like just get drunk ( when we go to party's) and just kiss a guy ! oh i get drunk... and i don't do anything i have no idea what to do with myself. HELP ME !
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dailicious
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Welcome to Scarleteen, Ann-Marie. Could you please make your own topic so we don't hijack the original poster's? [Smile] You can create a new topic by clicking the "New Topic" button up at the top right of the page.

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Narwhal
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(Thanks for the encouragement, Lauren [Smile] )

SFgrrrl, I know what you mean about the likelihood of that conversation feeling really awkward. [Smile] It probably will feel like you're sharing a lot of very personal details--although you certainly aren't obligated to give an itemized list of exactly what you did and did not do on every previous date. If your partner were to ask for that, it might be a little creepy, right?

I think that precisely when to talk about it can be a little bit delicate, but as I mentioned, it's in your best interest to talk about boundaries in the relationship before things heat up. Perhaps you could wait for a point, probably when you've had a few dates, when it seems things are going well, that you could open up a discussion about what you feel comfortable with in terms of those boundaries. Something like, "I really like you, and I've been having a good time. I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page as far as how our relationship progresses..." And you can definitely mention that you are concerned the fact you're a virgin might make a difference for both of you.

A caring partner should understand that that's a concern for you, and should be willing to listen and help make sure that you can be comfortable in the relationship.

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SFgrrrl
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I think part of the problem too is that now that I'm an adult, I feel like more often than not people are just looking for casual fun. Probably moreso in an age disparate relationship. And I don't have any problem with that, in theory. That's probably not the ideal situation for a heavy conversation. And I can see why it might be best to be with someone my age or a little younger, because they more than likely just lost their virginity within the past 5 years. On the other hand, most of the cute people interested in me /are/ at least a few years older, and I just feel like the longer I wait for an "ideal" situation the older I'll be and the harder having to learn everything will get, and of course an ideal situation may never come.
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Narwhal
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Well, it doesn't have to be a really heavy conversation. Just make sure that you know what you are and are not ok with, and that you're ready to communicate that.

Even in a more casual relationship, partners should be considerate of one another's well being. So if a casual relationship is something you feel OK pursuing, that in no way should stop you from communicating with your partner about what's best for you.

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James the Dark
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Thankfully, this isn't the dark ages, and there's no time limit on beginning to learn intimate affairs. When you're older, you'll be just as able to do the things others seem to be as you are right now. The only thing that changes is the number of times you've circuited the sun, and not one thing more.
And I'm not just blowing smoke. I'm a 22 year old virgin who's never been in any sort of romantic relationship. And that's probably for the best, considering the crap I've had going on in my life for the last ten or so years. When I start, sure, I won't have any practical knowledge, any real-world experience in those things, but I'll have a calm head, a full understanding of how everything works, and enough sense about me to be less of a jackass than I probably would have been when I was 17.

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SFgrrrl
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Well James, I was a lot more calm about the whole thing before I had my first relationship, and realized the whole thing was a lot more complicated *and physically challenging) than I'd at first assumed
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