posted
First of all, I'm so glad I stumbled upon this website and its forum. Seriously. It's made a very positive impact on me. ^_^
But now I become less smiley and almost teary. ;_; Any words or advice would win, srsly.
Preamble: I'm 21. I'm a late bloomer, as in, this is a girl who's not yet been kissed, not yet had a boyfriend, only just recently clued in on the fact that, hey, I had a few good chances at relationships but I was too oblivious to notice. (Which I'm trying not to give myself a hard time about, but I skip that now.) I'm a "semi-international" student. I'm so shy even I wonder what I'm doing in my university's theatre department. And, in light of recent realizations, accusations, and general nastiness, I'm pining, hurting, and really, really hurting. (Yeah. It merits the double mention.)
See, I got into an argument with the parent I live with (WHEE, DIVORCES! */bad!joke) today that we've been having since January. It boils down to this: because I'm not anti-homosexuality, I MUST be gay, and therefore I should own up to it so I can officially be given the boot, disowned, and never make contact again, and everyone lives happily ever after, the end.
Except not, because a) come on, homophobia? jeez; and b) I'm not gay, and even if I were, would that really change anything? It's not like I'd bring significant others home out of spite.
So I'm 21, a complete dependent (for a whole bunch of crazy reasons), unemployed, a student paying out of state tuition, praying to gods I didn't even know before, and today I became so desperate to get out that the recurring thought of just ending it came back. Which I didn't, because I've got a whole life to live and I kind of want to live it.
There's no talking to the parent, and the other parent (the once-a-week parent) just... no, but I kind of feel locked in this sick dependent cycle, and I'm hearing things like, "At your age, girls have GUY friends, not GIRL friends," and, "At your age you should either be dating or married," and it's tearing me apart because that is not what I grew up hearing.
I don't want to have to come back home after I leave for school again in two weeks, but I don't really have much of a choice. I dream of moving to the States, but I can't get a job with my courseload this semester, and I can't really get an apartment without a job to pay rent, even if I have roommates.
This is kind of all over the place and probably better suited to an online journal, but I was just hoping to see if anyone has any sort of advice, suggestions I might not have thought of... anything. I'm pretty alone when I'm here (all my friends' classes have already started, and I don't see enough of them anyway because I live about 45 minutes away in another town), and I just... I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of always keeping quiet because that's apparently what it means to respect someone, and I'm tired of being berated for the times I do speak up. I want to get out of here.
Oh, and the boys part of the subject? -_-; Three years ago I met this guy through my suitemates in one of the dorms I lived in. He was a senior, I was a freshman when we met, and he graduated half way through my sophomore year. I haven't talked to him in over a year, and it's only now that I'm realizing that he was giving me wide openings, and I just didn't see them. And it's now that I wish I had them, because now I actually feel ready to at least start something. I'm crazy about him, he's a great guy, an awesome friend, but he's moved downstate and he's all into his job and I don't even know if his phone number has changed, and this is just a bunch of useless pining that I wish I had something concrete to do with.
I'm 21, I'm a really late bloomer, I've been made to feel deficient for it, and I want to fix whatever's wrong with me so I can move on with my life. Am I a hard-headed kid who should still be in high school? Am I way too late and way too shy to start the dating game without looking awkward and without feeling like a girl of lesser morals even though I know the very thought is ridiculous?
If you read this, you have my eternal gratitude. For someone who can't find the guts to speak her mind most of the time, I sure do write a lot online.
-------------------- "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." "We live in a spaceship, dear." "So?" Posts: 4 | From: Upstate NY and western PR | Registered: Aug 2007
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I'm really sorry that one of your parents is being a giant jerk. You don't deserve that.
There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, and there's no reason that ANYONE has to be dating, or married, or anything else by a certain age. In fact, there's nothing wrong with not dating at all, ever, if that's what you want.
It does sound to me, though, like you'd like to try dating, and I would say go for it! Maybe you could start by getting in contact with this guy you met? If nothing else, it sounds like you could use a friend, and great relationships can often start from great friendships.
Regarding the college stuff:
1) What state are you in college in? You don't have to tell us which one, just which state.
2) Could you stay in the dorms over the holidays? Sometimes you can. You might also want to think about summer classes or study abroad programs for next summer, both of which would keep you from having to go home. These are things you can talk about with people on campus, like your advisor and/or the financial aid office.
Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Thanks. <3 It's reassuring to read that, moreso than reminding myself of that.
This guy and I are already friends, which is kind of why I'm going, "Jeez, I totally just let leave, ugh." And there were chances. Oy. (Retrospect -- enemy and friend. Man.) I'll have to drop him an email, really. I called twice and left messages both times, but I don't want to seem stalkerish or crazy or something. >.>;;
I'm going to school in New York, and they don't let us stay in our dorms over the holidays. (I've checked, alas.) I'm graduating next May, and I'd be applying for grad school starting in the fall. Study abroad is an option that I'd forgotten about, though... and I know some summer theatre internships offer housing. I'm definitely going to talk with my advisor when I get to school. He's really helpful and supportive.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot. ^^
-------------------- "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." "We live in a spaceship, dear." "So?" Posts: 4 | From: Upstate NY and western PR | Registered: Aug 2007
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