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Author Topic: I kind of need some confirmation...
StarHallie
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Hi guys. Some of you know I'm in a long term, newly long distance relationship with a guy...well here's the story.

I called my boyfriend last night and he had just gotten off work. When I asked him what he was up to he said, "just having a drink with (*****, his male friend from work, whom I know), sitting outside and watching the world go by".
I said, "well, okay, I'm just going to bed and I wanted to say goodnight"

(Mind you, we weren't having any communication issues during this conversation, it wasn't loud in the background, we could hear each other just fine)

I said "I love you", and he replied, "well you have a good night", and I said, "No...I said I love you", and he replied "mmbye", and he hung up.

I texted him "shady", and he texts back "?". I text to that, "You can't say 'I love you'. Hmm...don't act like you don't know what's going on. You were just talking to me like I'm just some girl you know. 'Well you have a good night'? And then when I say I love you, you say 'mmbye'? Okay, that's sketchy, sorry to say it"

He texts back: "I couldnt' hear you. I was in a club. Sorry, but you weren't really talking anyway."

I replied: "Hmm in a club? That's funny because when I asked you where you were you said, 'having a drink outside watching the world go by'. so bull****. You could hear me damn well and you know it. I even said 'I love you' twice. You clearly heard me so dont lie to me. So what is it? You surely can't be embarrassed to say goodnight and 'I love you' to your girlfriend in front of *****. Or was there someone there you didnt want knowing you had one? Plus 'sorry, but you werent really talking anyway.' How do you think that makes me feel?"

And he never replied back to that. That was around this time yesterday evening. I haven't heard from him. I'm thinking if he wasn't up to anything questionable, he'd had called me by now, trying to clear up any misunderstanding or miscommunication.

I haven't really questioned his fidelity until now. On top of this issue, he's been not calling me for two to three days at a time (knowing that that bothers me), among some other minor to moderate issues that I am starting to take as little red flags.

What do you all think...? Thank you, as always.

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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DarkChild717
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Frankly, I think it's nothing to worry about. Really. My partner typically avoids saying it around other people, for his own comfort levels, as they're typically business associates. I know he's not doing anything I need to question, and I know it doesn't mean he doesn't love me at that particular time. Whatever the circumstances, he chose not to reply to my "I love you" at that time.

I might just have a different perspective on attentiveness in a relationship, but this doesn't seem like a huge deal to me, nor does the 2-3 days in between calls, BUT, given your posting history and relationships you've posted about in the past, I'm curious: what other flags are you seeing? Any one thing can be harmless, but if there are other things you're seeing...well, that might change the whole thing entirely.

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StarHallie
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Well, in argument, he has never had a problem saying it in front of his friends, at parties, or even at work on the phone. This is the first time he's ever done this, so it's much more potent to me.

As for the other "flags", we're talking things as little as accusing me of being spoiled (which I think is his own, financial insecurity issue) and when he doesn't call for a while, telling me he simply "didn't get around to it" to some more substantial problems such as telling me to "shut up" during a recent phone conversation and not being remorseful or appologetic when I told him that "wasn't OK".

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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StarHallie
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Newsflash, he just called. Basically, he said "how could you accuse me of cheating on you?"... when I didn't accuse him, I simply asked "Or was there someone there you didnt want knowing you had one (a girlfriend)?" Lots of harsh language from him. A little arguing led to him saying "maybe it's about time I did (cheat on you)!", so I said, "I'm done with your abuse, and I'm done with you".

[ 05-11-2007, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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StarHallie
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He said in a few text messages I received this morning:

"It was over the day I came home and you were packing"

"You're obviously interested in someone else, how am i supposed to react when I'm accused of being with another girl. I gave you a chance to appologize but you didn't.
You couldn't understand that I was upset so I raised my voice to a tone you would understand."

...isn't that abusive, guys?

Kaylin: this is the same guy whom I'd had issues with my body image.

Things are bad today, I feel sick.

[ 05-11-2007, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: StarHallie ]

--------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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LivingTree
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even if it's not abusive, it's manipulative and creepy.

good call ending things, in any case.

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Heather
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You know, something doesn't HAVE to be abusive to justify not keeping it.

We absolutely can say, pretty clearly, that these dynamics are crappy and clearly just not GOOD, and that is ALL anyone needs (and really, no one needs a reason, period), to justtify not staying in something.

To review: relationships that aren't what you want, that don't make you feel good, that aren't going places you want to go, it's reasonable and sound not to stay in them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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StarHallie
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Thanks, Heather.

I lost my virginity to him, and dealt with an STI that he gave me, and I'm having some huge issues with that. Is it okay to talk about that in this thread...

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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DarkChild717
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Sure. Absolutely. That's what we're here for. [Smile]

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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StarHallie
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I went into this relationship thinking he was "the one", and I thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together. I was pretty sure he'd be my only sexual partner for life. And now we're not together. So I feel out of control, and to complicate matters, I have HPV, so any other partners I have after him will need to be aware of this, and I will also have a higher risk of getting dysplasia if I happen to contract another high-risk form of HPV. I don't want to live that hell all over again. Maybe this is something I should scoot to the STI sufferers thread, but I guess there was a certain level of comfort I had knowing that I didn't have to worry about it with him. Now I feel even more like a freak thinking I could possibly have a relationship with someone new and have to tell them THIS. I feel like I'm going to have some major sexual issues due to this breakup.

I also find myself hoping he'll do something drastic to win me back, knowing in the back of my mind that he could never reverse the damage his words have caused me. I feel really out of control, I hope that this is normal.

--------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Heather
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It's never easy when some expectations meet reality and they don't get along that well, hallie. And you're very hardly the first person to have the idea that their first partner would be the partner they'd always be with, even with so many people knowing -- intellectually -- how unlikely that is.

Obviously, netting an STI on top of all of that makes it even tougher to deal with.

Too, I think a lot of people have to deal with feeling like, for whatever reason, that they somehow failed in not staying with their first person for always and always, even though, again, that's just not sensible, since it's really kind of crazy that there is cultural/social status affixed to who stays with who the longest. Good, long-term relationships are wonderful when they happen, for sure, but that doesn't mean they're in some way better than relationships that don't last decades: every realtionship has it's own value.

BUT. It sounds pretty clearly like this in time was NOT a good relationship for you, and leaving a relationship that isn't good for you and isn't right for you not only is okay, it's smart and it's sensible. For sure, it can be a bit awkward to come to new sexual relationships with a pre-existing STI, but darlin', hundreds of thousands of people do it: this is the world we live in, and it always has been -- and not just with STIs, but with all sorts of visruses and illnesses.

By all means, take a break from dating and big relationships period for a while if you like: that's sound to do right after a breakup regardless. I'd also advise you not to obsess on what may or may not happen in the next relationship you have, or try and imagine dating again right now. Instead, go greive as you need to, and also take time to do some nice things for yourself, hang with friends you may have seen less when you were coupled, look towards bigger life goals than dating, etc. Okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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StarHallie
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Man, guys. I am at an all-time low.

Songs that we loved make me cry. Pictures of him haunt me. Memories are painfully sweet. It seems everywhere I turn, there are reminders of him. Reminders that hurt me, but I can't bear to rid myself of. I love them! I catch myself fantasizing, wanting to be in his arms again, just wanting those arms. Or...maybe...this...or maybe that. Or maybe he will make an excuse for what he did that will be exceptable to me. And telling myself that I will always love him and I will die loving him. There are two of me: one that knows I'm better off getting over this, that I'm strong and I will make it without him, and the other, one who wants to get in the car and show up at his door and run away with him. I can't deal!

To aggravate things, at dinner, my mom said, "well, I guess we can put you back in the will now", regarding my not being with him anymore.

I am so, so low...

--------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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-Lauren-
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Stay strong, Hallie!

This guy all around made you feel like crap, you weren't happy, and obviously, from what we see above, doesn't have the best communication skills.

I'm going to suggest something you might not agree with; is it possible you're mourning more over the idealistic-coulda-beens rather than the reality? Like Heather said above, I'd imagine this is hard to take because he's your first boyfriend.. which is almost automatically attached with unrealistic expectations, tons of fear of failing, etc.

So, I think trying to rationalize to yourself what things were really like (even make a "things he did" craplist if you have to) and what about your expectations and fantasies are unrealistic might help you out.

In the meantime, do your level best to be busy. Go out with girlfriends, hang out, have some fun (hell, I'd be for joining if you were nearby!).

*hug* You'll get through it. I can almost guarantee that once you've toughed it out, you'll love your newfound freedom and well, all the perks single life has to offer. [Smile]

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StarHallie
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Okay, that is a really good suggestion. I could definately do that.

Okay, this morning I started making a "goodbye to" list of all the things we did together that I miss. I feel like if I can put the best memories down on paper, and say "goodbye to -insert sentimental moment-", maybe it will help me get over losing all of that. Is that a wise way to grieve, or do you think it would dredge up old feelings? I feel like it helped, the two or three pages I did so far, and I didn't cry. Almost like I'm giving those things up in complacency...does that make any sense?

The "things he did" craplist is helping a ton. Wow, some of the things I forgot he did that when I think about now, really make me glad I ditched him. Thank you Lauren! Just re-reading this thread last night helped a little: to see how he really was, to see just what a d*ck he turned out to be, without romanticizing the good times and my hopes for the future.

Things are looking up: I'm about to start summer school, I'm getting a part time job so I can spend money on myself (my guilty pleasure is retail therapy), and I'm meeting some new people.

*Hug back* (I wish we were in closer vicinities too!)

Thanks so much for everything, and I know I shouldn't be appologizing, but sorry for the naivity. [Smile]

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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ErinK
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I think that a "good bye list" is a very good thing to do; you're exorcising those feelings by writing them down. And you've also got the "things he did" list to balance that out, so it's not like you're building some kind of one-sided view of him in these writings.

I'm glad that things are looking up. You deserve great things and great people in your life.

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StarHallie
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Thank you Erin, I appreciate your support. Yah, it was a good coping mechanism, writing that all out. 'Exorcising' is a great word to describe how I felt when I was writing my memories down. It was truly theraputic.

I'm around friends that I love to death and that's helping a great deal. Things are looking up! Thanks, all [Smile]

--------------------
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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