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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend is going away for college.

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Author Topic: Boyfriend is going away for college.
Member # 33229

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I'm a frequent poster here but this is the first time I've written in the relationship section.

My boyfriend and I are both seniors going to college. He told me he was going to a college which is only an hour away from me and I was fine with that. Then last night when I came home from work he told me that he decided to go to Southern California which is 8 hours away from me. He always talked about going to Southern California before and I used to be okay with it. But when he told me he wasn't going that far away I was ecstatic. Now that he's changed his mind I'm crushed. I've been crying since he told me. I don't want him to go because I'm terrified that I'll lose him. I'm not suicidal or depressed; just upset. Is it wrong for me to want to talk him out of leaving? I really don't want him to go. I've dated few other guys and this is the first guy that I feel like I could be with for a long time. I'm not sure how to handle this situation =\

Posts: 51 | From: California | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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LDR's (Long Distance Relationships) work for a lot of people. It takes trust, patience, and communication. It's not the end of the world, though it can feel like it. [Smile]

Actually, it's part of the evolution of a relationship, and even more so? It's part of growing up. It's part of learning to operate as yourself in the context of a relationship, and maintain who YOU are.

As far as maintaining the relationship itself? You can write letters, you can call each other, and it makes the times you DO see each other even better. There is some truth to the old adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." But you need to remember to communicate when you are apart. LDRs can be difficult, but they can also be very successful.

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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33229

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After crying for a day and talking to him I feel better. I'm hoping that our relationship will be a success story.

Thank you for the response =)

Posts: 51 | From: California | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28333

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I'm actually in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I are going to colleges in different states where seeing eachother will be infrequent (once a month or less). The thing is, I don't know if I want to be in a LDR. I can't admit this to him, because it kills me to hee him hurt, but I'm not sure if I want to be tied down or held back. I feel reaallyy bad saying that, admiting that, because it sounds selfish...but it's true, and I don't know how to feel about that.

I feel like the typical girl that wants to go to college single and open to new experiences. I'm not going to be a sl*t or anything, I just think it will be easier for me, emotionally, to handle being at college single. And I also feel like I will forget what we have...and I think, somehow, it would be better if we ended it when everything is good, not when we're having trouble in a LDR and the good feeling is gone...but it also stinks to break up before school because the summer will tighten us together...but i definetly don't want to end it now beacuse we have so much to do together!

do you SEE what's been goin on in my head?!?! ahh! it's terribly confusing and unfortunately I can't express these feelings to him. We're so close and comfortable with eachother, but it doesn't feel right to say these things to him beacuse I know he wont like them and it will be a mess. I feel better not telling him these kind of things while my feelings are put together and still processing. I'm sorry this is so long, but can anyone give me advice?

I just dont want to end it now, but I don't think I'll be able to be in a LDR.

Posts: 3 | From: MA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, in a relationship, if you know you're thinking about a major change or termination, it's really unfair to your partner not to say anything about it. Communication is key to healthy relationships and caring for others.

So, you say the summer will tighten you up, and then a breakup will be a big BAM! at the end of it -- but it doesn't have to be that way, and since you're thinking about this now, it should NOT be that way. And making it that way? Sure thing your boyfriend is going to get really hurt.

Not wanting to walk into college in a relationship isn't selfish, but wanting to sustain one through the summer and staying mum about something big you know may be on your horizon may be. It's a sort of control, really, even if you don't mean for it to be: this is an ongoing discussion you and your partner should be having together, not you alone. Not discussing it with him doesn't allow HIM any choices about the summer -- heck, for all you know, if a breakup is eminent for fall, he may not want to spend the summer with you -- and also gives you all the power here, per you getting to make a last minute choice (and not him) and you getting a sort of exit strategy. It also lets you avoid conflict when you just don't want to deal with it, and leaves it all in his lap in some ways: after all, this way doesn't allow him to process a possible breakup in advance like you can now. See what I mean?

So, you CAN express these feelings to him, you're just choosing not to, and I'd encourage you -- for both of your well-being, and to do all of this more sensibly and maturely -- to make a different choice and open up, start talking. Sure, we all want to process some first, but it sounds like you already have. In a good relationship, even a breakup isn't something one person does to another, it's a conclusion both people reach together, even when one party doesn't want that, if you get me.

[ 06-10-2007, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Just a note, the word slut is pretty much always used to pass judgment on a woman's sexual practices so we don't throw it around much here. No one is going to be judged by their sexual habits here.
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Y'know, on the bright side, travel within CA is getting pretty inexpensive. Southwest Airlines is constantly having promotional fares: fly anywhere in CA one-way for $49.

But realistically, college changes people. Your experiences will mold you, and his will mold him. It's unrealistic to expect people to be static. If they were, nobody would ever grow emotionally nor intellectually. You can try the LDR, but what is to say that YOUR feelings won't change because of all that you are going through?

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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