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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Need advice please

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Author Topic: Need advice please
joesomebody
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Well as you might know from my only other thread posted, I've never had a relationship with a woman before.

Recently a friend has been trying to get me to open up in general. I used to be very shy and very quiet, but through this friend I've overcome both of those things for the most part. Except when it comes to women.

Now for some reason hes trying to get me to meet girls, which I guess is great because I've met a few different ones in the last 2-3 months and didn't really like any of them more then friends except for 2 and out of those 2 I've already decided aginst persuing one of them. So this leaves just the one girl.

So last friday night I met this girl for the first time. My friend, his girlfriend and I went and picked her up and the four of us went to see a movie. This girl was really quiet, and said not one word to me directly which I thought was kinda odd. She did talk to my friends girlfriend somewhat. Every time I'd look at her she'd dart her eyes away like she didn't want to get caught looking. So I sit by this girl at the movie and my friend claims she was sitting wrather close to me, I didn't notice.

At this point I'd like to get to know her better, but I can almost say 95% that even from the little I know of her (which would be her name) I'd like to take her out. Problem with that is that I'm horrible at talking to a woman. Never know what to say, what to talk about, always think whatever does come out of my mouth will be stupid. I also don't wanna come on to strong, give her the idea that I'm desperate/needy/clingy.

Theres also the idea that she could be or is intimidated by me. I worry about that as well, I'm sizeably bigger then her but really a gentle giant at heart. She's probably 5'4 or so about 140 pounds and I'm 5'10 maybe 5'11 and around 270 pounds. I've been lifting weights for the last probably 5 years so I'm much much bigger then the average guy. So it might sound confusing, but you know I dont like want to scare her or anything. She didn't seem intimidated but she didn't talk to me either.

I just have a feeling about her. The other girls he had me meet didn't leave me feeling at all like she has. I was completely relaxed around the first few girls but was really nervous (although I didn't show it) with this one.

My friend says I should just call her, but I think that would seem so werid from her point of view. She might know my name, but only from hearing my fried call me it and we never spoke yet I called her. Which that whole idea is probably silly on my part, I wouldn't call her unless she gave me the number and if that happened I'd have probably talked to her atleast a little.

But I don't want to blow my chances by her thinking I want to be her friend either. I don't want to just ask her out right off the bat, but like I said I don't wanna screw it up by not being agressive enough.

Man I'm really confused and nervous right about now [Confused]

Posts: 18 | From: PA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ghostie
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Is there any other means of contact? [Smile] Such as email or msn or even text? If you feel quite uncomfortable about a call, a less direct approach might be easier.
Or, if that isn't possible, calling her and asking her if she would like to hang out some time, maybe even with your friend and his girlfriend again, and this time make a little more of an effort to get to know her [Smile]
It's tough, but maybe this will be just what you need [Smile]

Posts: 165 | From: England. | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
joesomebody
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I appriciate the advice Noisy and i'll probably suggest that the four of us do something again this weekend.

As a small addition, shes 18 and im 20 if it matters.

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joesomebody
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Still stressing/pretty nervous about the whole ordeal.

I think I'm going to tell my friend (the one who "introduced" me to this girl) whats on my mind and ask his advice/opinion. He's much better at this type of thing then I am.

This girl seems really nice, and I'd like to get to know her and spend some more time with her.

Posts: 18 | From: PA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey Joe,

My advice to your being nervous is just trying to not worry so much. [Smile] Asking your friend sounds fine, but ultimately it's between you and her. I think your outlook to just get to know her better and spend some more time with her is great. I'd try to focus on exactly that.

I know you'd prefer a date right away to friendship first, but that may be the way she'd prefer. It might help you to relax by not giving this whole scenario more emphasis than it's worth. We may really like someone and hope there's chemistry, especially if we don't usually find someone we really click with. However, expecting something specific right away can put undue pressure on ourselves and make a potential date/partner take a step back.

So just continue doing things you like, like lifting weights as you previously mentioned, and things will surely end up working fine. Do you have any close friendships with girls/women? Building relationships that are "just friends" with females in general might also help relieve some of the dating stress. And girl friends, as the same for guy friends, can be great when it comes to dating advice or even matching you up in addition to sharing a mutually nice, platonic bond.

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joesomebody
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Well as it would turn out, were doing something friday night. Not just the two of us, but me and a friend + his girlfriend + this girl.

He suggested that I offer to buy her dinner when were out and it seems like an ok idea. He's also going to help me with being confident around her and what to say and the such.

I guess the rest is up to fate

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Ecofem
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That sounds like a plan. Offering to buy her dinner is definitely an option, but she may accept without being interested as such or, reversely, not accept but be interested. But it does give off a message of sorts. [Smile]

A way to follow up the evening, assuming it went well and you're still interested, would be to call her the next day or the day after. Say, "Hey ___, I had a great time with you last night. [Mention something fun you did or a good conversation you had.] I'd love to hang out again if you have time. What about ____ on ___?" If you can arrange something related to what she talked about, it'd be an extra nice touch. You could make it a group activity again if you're still not feeling like one-on-one yet. Good luck and please tell us how it went! [Smile]

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joesomebody
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Well tommorows the big night. My friend came up with a casual way of me buying her dinner without makeing a huge deal out of it. When we go out to eat he's going to tell the cashier to make it two seperate checks and I'll just casually tell her that I've got it.

Talking to her is pretty much my main objective tommorow, I won't really ask her out per say but if she opens up to me (didn't say a word last time) then I'm going to ask her what shes doing tommorow and if she'd like to do something. That way it leaves it up to her wether or not its something serious and if she doesn't think its anything more then hanging out the good thing will be spending time with her one on one. If she wants to do something saturday i'll ask her if she wants me to call her. If she gives me her number, then to me, she's atleast somewhat interested.

We're both shy in general, and it seems even more so twoards each other. Lets hope it goes well =)

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joesomebody
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Well just to follow up.

Last night was an amazing night. I think I've finally broke my confidence shell and tonight I'm taking this girl to go see a movie =)

I thought she would be shy again, but I was determined either way that at the least I would talk to her.

We go to eat (the four of us) and my friend pays for him and his girl. I casually tell her "I got it" when we get to dinner and I payed for her meal. Talked to her somewhat during dinner but I wasn't fully comfortable althought I did make eye contact and tried to avoid long silences. At the arcade I kinda chilled, asked my friend how he thought it was going and he said it was going really well and that this girl seemed to be really warming up to me.

So when were about to drop her off, I walk her to her door and ask her if shes doing anything tommorow. She said she was busy in the morning so I asked if she wanted to see a movie and almost instantly she said sure. She then asked me if I wanted to call her and gave me her number =)

Tonight should be a wonderfull night. I have a really good feeling about this [Big Grin]

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-Lauren-
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Glad to hear it, Joe! Have fun. [Smile]
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Surferchk07
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Congrats on how well it went Joe! Have fun at the movies too!

--------------------
Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

Posts: 154 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Awesome to hear, Joe!! You deserve experiences like this. (Feeling self-confident and comfortable when talking to/going out with/etc. people (women) you're interested in. I hope the movie date went well; regardless, this just shows that you certainly can do it... now and in the future, too. [Smile]
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joesomebody
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Just to follow up on this thread.

I've now been dating this girl for almost 3 weeks now. I waited 3 times after our intial "date" at the movies to tell her how i felt about her. I told her that I really liked her, enjoyed spending time with her and wanted to date her. She then gave me the sweetest ok I think I've ever heard and a big hug and kiss. She's a very shy girl, but I'm getting her to warm up to me slowly but surely. Sometimes I wonder how I could be this lucky!

She's great and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. And this forum is pretty darn good in my opinion too!

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Leabug
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That's awesome, Joe! I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you; best wishes! [Smile]

--------------------
Lea

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