posted
I am moving in with my father in about a month. This is a big deal. I am 18 and have never lived with my biological father before; the most I have seen of him were some weekend visits when I was in the second and third grade.
It is an even bigger deal because I am moving across the Atlantic, from America to Norway. Needless to say, I really REALLY need this to work out.
My father is a Jehova's Witness, as is the entire household (which consists of his wife and four of their children, my half sisters and brothers). I thought to myself, "It will be fine if we just both stay away from each other's beliefs and do not criticize."
My father is already beginning to send me links on Biblical articles that are supposed to "appeal to my feminism". Articles about how the Bible does not discriminate against women; about how the subjecation of women is not descrimination, but necessary order in which everyone has a happy part; etc etc.
posted
Ugh, that sounds really unpleasant, RedGoddess. Is there any way you can live somewhere else or look into moving after a month or two? How long does it take to get on to the Norwegian, uh, social system, i.e. get money to live alone? Are you going to be studying or working? Will you be in an urban or rural area?
It does sound like he's really trying to "reach out" to you and show he's trying to be understanding.... maybe he'll be more open than you think? In any case, having a sit-down to talk about this and figure out guidelines and limits is really important to do right away. I can imagine this could get really trying, but there always is the aspect of having to respect his "rules" while being under his roof.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
I'd suggest looking for an alternate place to live. Especially knowing that you've already struggled to get from under one man's domineering foot, and are just out of that, as well as dealing with a host of tough adjustments lately.
The Bible is open to a lot of different interpretations: but even if it did not endorse women's subjugation in many parts, JW stuff is going to be a REAL problem for you. Homosexuality, for instance is a grievous sin, women's reproductive choice? No such doing. Women as anything but caretakers of husbands and kids? Newp. Even stuff you totally take for granted like going out dressed as you like to dress is likely to be a very big conflict, every darn day.
I don't see how you can stay away from this stuff in a household you'll be living in, and a household ruled by these beliefs, Red. And "ruled" is imortant language here, because it's not optional for a Witness to suspend their beliefs in their household: how the household is constructed and run is a pretty critical past of that belief system.
Here's a basic Wiki -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah's_Witnesses -- but I have to say, knowing you as I do? This is going to be about the wrongest environment for you possible, and I'd strongly suggest looking into ANY alternate living arrangements.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Worth mentioning, too, although I'm sure you already know this. In many cases, Europeans may seem a lot more liberal than Americans in terms of sexuality, religion, etc. However, this is certainly not always the case. In fact, when someone is a member (or head) of a group like Jehovah's Wittness, it is seem really odd or totally away from the accepted mainstream. (I saw this from the perspective of Germany where there are two official, state-supported churches, "Evangelisch" (Lutheran-Protestant) and Catholic; people aren't necessarily religious but there just aren't tons of little churches like in the US.) I can imagine that his views on feminism are very extreme for such a social-democratic country like Norway.
(Random: I had a friend from Norway one year on exchange in high school in the US-- it seems like such an awesome country! )
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I agree with Heather. I think trying to find an alternative place to live is your best option here. Moving across the Atlantic is difficult enough (believe me, I've been there, done that), and ontop of that having to live with people whose beliefs are very different from your will only make the situation worse. Have you talked to your father about your differing beliefs?
-------------------- "Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law. Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've godda say, I'm just really desperate to get to Norway, and this is THE way that I am able to do it. Finding a place to live from across the Atlantic isn't exactly easy; this was my chance to get back home, and I jumped on it.
My father is a really gentle person; he isn't pushy. But, he has his beliefs and I have mine. I think I'm asking more, as a matter of a necessity, how I can cope with this since it is GOING to happen, rather then being charged with the impossible task of getting my own apartment in a country whose language I don't even speak well enough to pass the college entrance exams on yet.
Posts: 213 | From: Private | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
In that case, I'd make a contract of sorts where your and his needs/wants/expectations are clearly outlined as well as how to deal with conflicts. Does he expect you to attend church with them? Do chores around the house or watch the children? I can imagine that, regardless of religious background, getting used to living together will take some big adjustments and a lot of effort at first.
Are you going to take a formal test prep-language course or first work on picking up the language in daily life situations? Are you in a town with a university? What about checking into language learning programs they may have or like a Tandem-Partner thing where you meet weekly with someone to practice your target and other language? Working as an English tutor for younger students might be a way to earn some money, too. Will you be working?
I know this seems like a lot now, but the more options you have, the better you'll feel about the one you choose, i.e. living with your dad. I'd work on gaining your independence and figuring out how things work, regardless of how things go with him. Spending less time at home, so you can enjoy each other's presence versus always getting on each other's nerves, and making connections with other people in the community would also be a good step. How is your relationship with your stepmom and these siblings? I can imagine they're excited to see you, but that a clash might happen at first. I'd also really talk things over with her and what expectations/wishes she has of you.
I assume you have Norwegian citizenship? Even if you don't, I can imagine the social services/immigration offices have programs to help you. You could be assigned a social worker who could help explain how things work as well as help you apply for programs.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Examples of social services are - practical help for people who need assistance because of disability, age or other factors - relief assistance for people and families with comprehensive needs for care - support persons for people who need help with leisure activities and with making contact with others - sheltered accommodation with services - salary for people who care for children or relatives who have comprehensive needs for care - needs based financial support for persons without income or capital
Seriously, when it comes to help like this for everyone who needs it, I can't think of a better place to be than Norway -- please definitely check this out either before or when you get there. I'm sure they'd set you up with free housing, financial support, and language programs if you apply.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Wow, Ecofem, thanks so much for the resources.
To be honest, I am very up in the air about what I will do or even CAN do, because there is really no way of knowing until I actually get there. I would like to start working as soon as possible and save up some money, but I do not know if there are any local places that are willing/able to hire someone with my extreme language deficiancy. Whether I can go to college also depends on a messy wealth of things, such as whether I will be able to get a High School Equivilancy in time. (I have a GED right now, but appearently that doesn't "count" over there, as I recently learned.)
Either way, yeah, I think it's probably best that I do the uncomfortable task of sitting down and trying to make some basic live-in agreement with my dad... Though I'm actually kind of afraid to, incase it just stirs up more conflict than peace, ya know? -_- Oh well.
Posts: 213 | From: Private | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by RedGoddess: Wow, Ecofem, thanks so much for the resources.
You're welcome, RedGoddess.
quote:To be honest, I am very up in the air about what I will do or even CAN do, because there is really no way of knowing until I actually get there. I would like to start working as soon as possible and save up some money, but I do not know if there are any local places that are willing/able to hire someone with my extreme language deficiancy. Whether I can go to college also depends on a messy wealth of things, such as whether I will be able to get a High School Equivilancy in time. (I have a GED right now, but appearently that doesn't "count" over there, as I recently learned.)
Well, I think what you can do then is be prepared as best you can. I'd bring an official copy of your GED (notarized), high school transcript, birth certificate, immunization record, and any documents (health care card?) from Norway you had before. (And make sure to make copies, one extra set that'd be good to have with you and one in the States.)
After arriving I'd make an appointment with social services to lay out your situation and see what they have to offer. You may need to reside there ___ so long for services, but at least you have some timelines and directions. If they could assign you a caseworker or advisor of sorts, it'd make the process so much easier for you. I mean, these services are there for you! That's SUCH the advantage of living in a place like Norway versus the US (and why people there pay such high taxes!) Something else to keep in mind that in Europe, being adult may start with 18, but that parents can be obliged to financially support their children until age 29 or so. When applying for stuff, I'd try to do so as an independent, even if you'll be living with your dad intially and stuff, because it would mean getting ____ many more Krone per month from social services.
quote:Either way, yeah, I think it's probably best that I do the uncomfortable task of sitting down and trying to make some basic live-in agreement with my dad... Though I'm actually kind of afraid to, incase it just stirs up more conflict than peace, ya know? -_- Oh well.
I can say from personal experience as a roommate and an RA that having an agreement worked out ahead of time, regardless of how peachy things are, is so important. I might stir up some conflict at first, but at least you have a chance to start working things out/seeing what your options are from the start.
Have you bought your ticket yet? If you haven't, I might consider getting a round-trip ticket with a return date of a month or so later (if you're not planning on using it like a year later.) Often round-trip tickets are the same price as one-way, and no ones says you have to leave. It's just nice to have that option built in; when my sister's now-husband came to live in the US from abroad, they got a round-trip ticket in case things didn't work out right away so he could go back (they're still together, things are fine, but options are always good. )
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Is there any way you can live somewhere else or look into moving after a month or two? How long does it take to get on to the Norwegian, uh, social system, i.e. get money to live alone? Are you going to be studying or working? Will you be in an urban or rural area?![[Smile]](smile.gif)
)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
It's just nice to have that option built in; when my sister's now-husband came to live in the US from abroad, they got a round-trip ticket in case things didn't work out right away so he could go back (they're still together, things are fine, but options are always good. 
Printer-friendly view of this topic