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Author Topic: Need help in college
buzz_bomb
Neophyte
Member # 18198

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First of all I want to say HI to everyone, it's been over a year since I last posted and almost 3 years since I've joined!! (If you guys are curious look at my old posts) I’m now about to turn 19 and frustrated. I’m at a major university in California with tens of thousands of people. I’m starting my freshman year and I can’t find anyone to start a relationship with.

Sadly, I’ve never had any experience at all in my entire life with relationships, dating/etc. Within the last year I went through a few big changes (lost a lot of weight, look/ and feel 10x better) but I’m in a fiddle. I’m not the type of person to drink or take drugs at all, in fact I spend most of my weekends in the dorms playing computer games or board games with other people but I am lonely and quickly becoming very frustrated.

I’ve tried meeting girls in class and it’s always ended differently than I expected either they were already in a relationship, clearly not interested, or outright cold. Needless to say, this doesn’t help my confidence which has always been shoddy since my high school days. In fact I decided to see a psychologist about it.

I’d like to know from the ladies who are in college how well do you have to know somebody before you feel it would be appropriate to go to coffee or get some food with a guy? I have always been afraid of being inappropriate and therefore it kills me to even think about making a move on somebody. Are there some sure ways after talking to a girl to see if she is interested in you? How important is physical attraction to you (please be honest)? Do a lot of you make your decisions on firsts impressions either physical or through initial interaction?

I’ve always tried to be the responsible person. However all to often I see that the people who get the girls are foolish or careless people.

What do I have to do in order to meet someone that I can just take care of and have fun?

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ASargent42
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 28733

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First, you have to know that every girl is different. We all have different standards and levels of comfortableness when it comes to guys. with that said...

For me personally, as long as i've talked to a guy a few times, gotten to know him enough that he's not a total creep, then i feel there would be nothing wrong with coffee or just hanging out one on one.

Physical attraction differs from girl to girl as well. If i am just meeting someone whom i don't think is extremely attractive, that doesn;t mean i'm not still going to talk to them. And then, if they say something funny, or something that definitly reels in my interest, my feeling for them can develop, regardless of what they look like.

I dont; think there are any sure fire ways of telling if a girl is interested, because we are all so different. I;m wicked shy, and i donlt show my feelings to people i don;t know very well. but if i stay and continue talking to you, then yeah, you could bet i'm somewhat interested.

The thing with girls, or anyone, rather, is you have to take that chance. you could be surprised, perhaps one of those girls you really like is just waiting for you to make the first move, and you are too scared to do so. i am the same way, i can't make the first move because i am afraid they just don;t like me that way. but you have to be confident in yourself, and risk it. yeah, you may be turned down a time or two, but eventually you'll find someone.

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Amanda
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Ecofem
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Member # 13388

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quote:
Originally posted by buzz_bomb:
Within the last year I went through a few big changes (lost a lot of weight, look/ and feel 10x better) but I’m in a fiddle. I’m not the type of person to drink or take drugs at all, in fact I spend most of my weekends in the dorms playing computer games or board games with other people but I am lonely and quickly becoming very frustrated.

Congratulations for taking these big steps -- it's quite an accomplishment and should be recognized.

My take on this: Join some clubs and campus organizations. You're on a huge campus where they are tons of people, but it's easy to feel lost in the crowd. Thing is, so many people feel the same way-- it's just finding them. What about joining a gaming or chess club, if those are your interests. What other interests do you have? Why not check out those campus activities, too? From experience, I have the impression that people make their friends in dorms and through extracurriculars, not so much classes, in the US. It's just finding a few that match your interests and have nice people (including women!)

First work on just becoming friends with people-- men, women you're interested in, women's you're not interested in for dating. A strong basis is important. Then, after getting to know people, dating opportunities present themselves. Like you both had so much fun volunteering together, that you realize you're compatible and like each other. Additionally, people can try to match you up with friends or dormmates. It'll all work out, but just focus on the basics for now at least. If you have a friend or acquaintance you could ask for tips, that might help a lot, too. S/he'd give you feedback on how you come across (like maybe too strong/too heldback at first, etc.)-- thing you'd miss but are easy to tweak.

quote:
Needless to say, this doesn’t help my confidence which has always been shoddy since my high school days. In fact I decided to see a psychologist about it
This sounds like a very good move on your part; self-esteem issues from high school can be hard-hitting and have long-term effects, so it's important to the root of them and try to work them out.

quote:
I’ve always tried to be the responsible person. However all to often I see that the people who get the girls are foolish or careless people.
Let's be careful with judgemental statements like this -- People choose their dates/partners for many reasons, and we don't know the whole story from the outside.

quote:
What do I have to do in order to meet someone that I can just take care of and have fun?
I think having fun is crucial [Smile] and caring ABOUT is important, but taking care OF isn't so equal... what do you mean by this exactly?

In any case, your first year at college can be a bit lonely, because everything's new and you're trying to figure out who you are. But things end up working out (and sooner than you'd think!) [Smile]

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ms. kate
Neophyte
Member # 32735

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When I was in high school, I went to an all-female school. All of my relationships were started over the phone with people that I met through my main activities (debate or youth group), usually friends of friends. When I went to college I started trying to start relationships sexually and then add in the emotional part later, and that didn't work so well for me. However, at the end of my first year, I was approached in a group setting by a guy who I knew vaguely, and we started chatting. We hung out in group settings and it was made clear to me that he wanted something more. Even though it wasn't a good time for me, I accepted a dinner invite from him and a mutual third friend. After that invite, he felt more comfortable coming out with me on his own.

The reason that I tell you this whole story is that that was almost 7 years ago, and we've been together that whole time.

Let me tell you some truths insights I've learned about dating:

-Make and Keep non-sexual friends of other genders. You'll feel more comfortable approaching women when you aren't just doing it for the purposes of a romantic relationship.
-Join clubs - I didn't make any friends in almost any of my classes. But finding people with shared interests is much easier in a voluntary setting.
-Feel free to make a move - my relationship started slow because I was staying in the wrong hotel - he couldn't find me to call me and ask me out. A girl will most likely be flattered - it is nice to be asked out.
-Don't think that just because you play computer games means you are untouchable. I know there are girls that play computer games and I know there are girls who are perfectly ok with video games. Don't psych yourself out!
-Rejection is ok - you're not asking a girl to marry you, or even have a relationship - you're asking a girl if she wants to spend some time together and get to know each other better. After coffee, YOU may be the one not to want to spend any more time with her.

And the number one piece of advice: Don't Give Up!

[ 02-18-2007, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: ms. kate ]

Posts: 3 | From: Silver Spring, MD | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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I went to UC Berkeley. California universities don't get more major than that (suck it, Stanfurd!). The guy I dated for most of my time there was a bloke who just picked me out of a crowd as I was leaving Barrows Hall. He simply walked up to me and started talking, eventually asked for my number and then invited me to coffee and walked me home. We were together for 39 months.

My advice? If you've got nothing to lose, and you have a set of brass ones, you can give that tactic a shot. But I find it easier to just join a club and meet people that way. I belonged a computer lab, some political groups and some ethnocentric organizations on campus. I made a lot of friends. Friends have friends, and they make good date material.

Or try browsing Facebook, Friendster, MySpace and Craigslist looking for chat buddies. Most students are pretty with-it when it comes to online socializing. Just play it safe and play by the rules if you want to meet up (nice, crowded public places).

And if you're a Cal or USC student, lemme know, and I can give you tips on good places to meet people.

[ 02-21-2007, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: Gumdrop Girl ]

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000
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Member # 30201

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how to know if a girl is interested in you? depends on the girl, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty assertive, myself, and physical attraction is the most important thing to me. Perhaps simply increasing the number of people you meet and get to know on a superficial level will also increase your chances of getting a relationship.
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