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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » college guy

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Author Topic: college guy
bnl129
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ok so I am going on a date with a guy who is a freshman in college and i am a sophmore in high school and i don't know if that is wrong it i make sure nothing more than kissing happens... if he truly likes me he would wait for anything more than kissing right? i am really nervious and confused and scared. i just don't know what to do. i don't even know if i like him as much as i think i should. O and he is my brothers old friend (they are the same age). he wants to go to the movies and he keeps asking me if i like him and i don't know what to say. do mind giving me a little advice?
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Ecofem
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Honey, if you're "really nervous and confused and scared," just don't go with him! Where are you located (country/state)? Because in many places, you could be under the age of consent if you're 15 and he's 18/19? If he truly likes you, he sure would wait for anything more than kissing (or even kissing!); however, there always is the risk that he won't respect your boundaries. This is the case in all relationships, but especially in ones with one partner being a lot older.

Honestly, it just doesn't sound like something you're wanting to get into, which is completely understandable. I'm sure you're mature, but there is a BIG development difference between starting college and starting (sorta) high school. He should be looking for dates in his college community, not checking out his friend's little sister in high school.

It seems like you wouldn't feel equal to him, which isn't a good foundation for a relationship. You can still go on the date if you want, but what about sticking to a public location and having someone like your brother come pick you up at a set time. If it's good, that's fine; if it feels uncomfortable, you have some back-up. What does your brother say to all this anyway?

Dating an older guy may seem exciting or mature, but in reality it's not so much. There's nothing wrong with saying no because of the age difference or that you feel uncomfortable. The fact that he keeps asking you and you're not sure what to say is kinda creepy on his part! There's something to be said about dating around your own age; what about looking more in the high school age range? That way you can relax more and talk about things you both have in common, like classes and teachers or go to stuff like school dances together.

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NervousFreak
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I completely agree with ecofem, if this is a situation you're uncomfortable in, don't put yourself in it.

I actually was in the same sort of scenario a couple years ago, and what I did was just cancel the date, I felt kind of bad but it was better than going out with someone I wasn't comfortable with

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?

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bnl129
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i live in minnesota and i am sixteen. I haven't told my brother because i am not super close to my brother nd he would say that is absolutely disgusting and i also can't tell my friends because they would think its gross too, and my brother is also in california for three months and isn't allowed to talk to anybody (he is taking and outward bound trip). I feel like i can't date anybody my age because i feel i can't connect with them. I am more connected to people who are older than me and i can actually talk to them because we are more independant. I just don't know if its what everyone else would say if i dated him or if i am just not ready.
~BNL129

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Ecofem
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It appears that 16 is the age of consent in Minnesota, so you should be ok in this regard.

I understand you when you say you feel like you connect better with people who are a bit older. But I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about their intentions and maturity levels. Ages 16 and 18/19 are pretty close year-wise, but there's a world of difference between being a sophomore in high school versus a freshman in college.

From my personal experience: When I was 19 and a sophomore in college, I dated a guy who was 25. Looking back, I realize that we were about the same maturity level then; there's no way I'd want to date him now when I'm 23. While my friends knew about the relationship, we had to keep it on the down-low for other reasons. That was super stressful and I'd discourage anyone from that.

What concerns me is that you are afraid to tell your brother or friends. I mean, I understand why you're not want to tell your brother; that's ok. But not telling your friends because you think they'll think it's "gross" IS a bad sign, telling that it's not a safe relationship to get into. What does he say to all this? Another bad sign is when a guy (or girl) is ok with having a secret relationship.

Why not talk to your friends about it? I'm sure they'll understand finding someone older attractive (I'm sure they do, too, although they're not getting asked out.) What about going on an outgoing with your friends and this guy, like to the movies all together? That way you can get to know him better in a safer environment? What about telling him straightforward: "I like you but the age thing seems weird."

You know, this goes the other way around, too. In college I had a crush on one of my younger sister's friends when he was a senior in high school -- he seemed cute, mature and interesting. But I didn't do anything because, regardless of details, he was still in the world of high school, and that was definitely the best decision. We don't have to act on our crushes and there's always the chance of dating someday in the future. If I were to meet up with this guy again, a few years later, and if we both were single, I'd probably ask him out.

How does this all sound? What are you feeling like doing?

Here are some other posts on similar topics from our FAQ:

Age Differences
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/005507.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/005171.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/005153.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/002339.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/002107.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/001961.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/001914.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/000619.html http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum3/HTML/000501.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000089.html

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bnl129
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WOW THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! you are extremely helpful. I will tell my friends but i may go on a first date to a public place for sure and just get to know him and if i think he is a decent guy and worth going out with again i will tell my friends. I am nervous though and i can't quite put my finger on why i am so nervous. but thank you so much!!! you have helped me so much.
~BNL129

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bnl129
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o and one more thing. Why do you think he would want to date me? I am 16 years old and he is 19 and i am not extremely attractive so it just isn't clicking in my head...
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Ecofem
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Hey, you're welcome. [Smile]

I'd tell your friends first; it may not be someone they know, but it's not like it's such a big difference that you woudln't want to mention it to them. Don't you talk about other crushes? Just be like: "Hey, so I'm going on this date with someone this weekend..." It's always good for at least a person or two to know where you'll be.

In any case, a date is just that: a chance to get to know each other better and have fun. You don't have to be in a relationship or even go on another date afterwards. And you can get leave if it starts to mirror a scene from a bad TV dating show (I admit to loving those!) If he seems inflexible, that's his loss. Someone who genuinely likes you is willing to take things at your pace. (Such as not commiting right away or sticking to public dates first.) What about just hanging out together with a group of people as friends?

I can't explain the nervousness. Maybe it's a crush-type thing, maybe it's your gut telling you not to get involved?

As for the attraction thing, we're attracted to people for so many reasons and factors are at play. I'm sure you are attractive and interesting to boot. I'm guessing that he's seen you for awhile and has been wanting to make a move. Has he hung out with you before, like just as friends? Do you think he waited until your brother was gone before asking?

However, there could be more negative reasons for him being attracted to you. He could feel unsure around girls his own age so he goes for younger ones, where the power divide is in his favor.

As I mentioned, just do what feels right: Keeping your guard up, go on that date if you really want to. But remember that you don't own him anything under any circumstances. You can always just say: "You know, I like you and wanted to see how a date would be, but I'm just sensing too many differences."

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bnl129
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i have hung out with him a few times and i have gone to school with him since i have been in kindergarden but we were never really close and now he always asks me if i miss him because he is off at college, but to be quite honest, i don't miss him, i don't really think about him except for lately since he has been calling me more. well he asked me out before even when my brother was here but i told him i was busy every time he asked me out (i wasn't busy by the way).
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bnl129
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i don't think i am ready.
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Ecofem
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Well, it sounds like you've answered your own question. [Smile]

Seriously tho, not feeling up for the date has nothing to do with being mature enough or not. It strikes me as a little odd that he keeps asking over and over again -- doesn't he realize that "always saying you're busy" is a polite attempt at a brush-off? Asking "did you miss me" is also kinda, well, I don't know -- immature or selfish? It's one thing for you to tell him this, but being like "oh baby, did you miss me!" just isn't so smooth.

Just because he's so into pursuing you (which, as I said, seems a bit much), doesn't mean you have to ever accept a date. This happened to me in high school and I ended up being with someone I didn't really like (when someone I did like was just about to ask me out, ack!) We don't have to only date people we're super into, but in this situation it sounds like you're clearly not very interested? Just keep hanging out with your friends and someone you're really into, where the attraction is mutual, will come along eventually -- no need to spend time on, or give false hopes to, people we're not really interested in. [Smile]

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bnl129
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ok well i guess i know my answer now. you have helped out so much and i am extremely grateful. i could have made a big mistake by going out with him. Thank you for everything
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