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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » So confused

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Author Topic: So confused
BiLLaBaBy017
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Member # 6514

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Ok so we're going thru with the divorce. It finally hit me that I'm going to be alone for a long time. I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to handle being alone right now. I miss being held at night and all that lovey stuff. I had a lengthy conversation with the guy I cheated on Max with. I told him that I still loved him and he said that if he wasn't with his current girlfriend, he would be with me. He said that she's kind of crazy and doesn't know if things will work out with them, but if it doesn't he would give me another chance. It felt so good to hear him say that. Everyone tells me to GET AWAY FROM HIM! DON'T GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! THROW HIM AWAY! But I don't think I can. I want a relationship to work with him. I'm very confused. I don't want to be alone. I've been alone before and I didn't have a happy time. I don't know what to do anymore....

[ 01-15-2007, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: BiLLaBaBy017 ]

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Posts: 294 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Faith54
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I'm so sorry for what you're going. It's obviously emotionally straining, and that's why you need to be single for now. If you feel like you can't be alone, spend time with friends and family. Find comfort in them- not this guy. When any taken guy says "Oh, well, I WOULD be with you..." it's a big red flag to me. Do you want a relationship to work because you're scared of being single, or because you really like this guy? Right now it seems like you just want to be with someone; don't jump right into his arms when you're in this emotionally unstable state (I don't think you should go back to him period, but I don't know the whole story). Essentially, my advice is don't go to him now, take time to be single, spend time with friends and family to clear your head. The last thing you need when getting a divorce is being in a relationship with the guy you cheated with. It'll just give you more unhealthy stress.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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BiLLaBaBy017
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Member # 6514

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I do want to be with him, we were dating for a couple months before he left me for this girl. Me and him were having sex while he was dating her. They had been dating 2 weeks, and this girl lives in Florida. He always told me what I wanted to hear, and when I tried to make things work with my husband he continued dating this girl, he went down to FL for Christmas and came back totally in love with her. I'm very close with his parents, and I love them like my own. I'm afraid to be alone, but I do want to be with him. His parents are trying to convince him to be with me because they don't the other girl-- she's rude and disrespectful. That's besides the point. I have been with family and have been working, but I still find myself thinking about this guy at night. It's very emotionally straining on me. Family can't be with me 24/7.

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Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
It finally hit me that I'm going to be alone for a long time. I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to handle being alone right now. I miss being held at night and all that lovey stuff.
Know what, though?

This is one of the WORST reasons to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship. One of the absolute worst. Especially when you're coming out of long-term abuse, no less.

This is also what friends are for. When we're healing and we're hurting, our friends can give us a hug, hang out with us, help get us through. And then when you ARE in a place where you're good with being on your own, you can think about relationships again. And if you don't have any close friends right now, then that's a real issue, and something in need of repair. You can put energy into making new friends just like you can put energy into new romantic relationships.

But desparation clouds the head, gal, and is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship, which should be a big concern of yours. And desparation is coming across loud and clear here.

In fact, the way he responded to you may even be in response TO your desparation: when someone we have feelings for -- even if we don't want to puruse or continue a relationship of some type with them -- seems that desperate, it's very difficult to know what to say to them, or just to tell them we're not interested. Again, this is one of many reasons why this sort of headspace isn't a good place to be trying to make a relationship happen in: it's just too hard for everyone involved to behave honestly and to make sound choices.

quote:
I've been alone before and I didn't have a happy time.
When was the last time that WAS, though? Because unless you're talking about for a couple short months, to my recollection, you were in the abusive relationship and marriage for years. And that sure wasn't a happy time.

What I'm also hearing is you and your parents really kind of treating this guy like a child. You don't get to -- any of you -- broker him per what y'all think is best for him, and it's an especially precarious thing to do when you know full well that you have your own interests in this.

quote:
But I don't think I can.
Statements like that should also send up HUGE red flags for you. Again, you're in the process of healing and processing being in abuse for a long time, and also choosing to stay in it for a long time because even when it became clear it was going to get bad, you didn't feel you could choose to leave.

So, if you're feeling like you can't make active choices with things, that's yet one more clue that you may not even be ready yet for another relationship.

[ 01-15-2007, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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